I’ve been thinking about this concept some lately. (Unfortunately, I tend to have a problem with focus so this concept I think on could be in the middle of several other concepts.) In Pilch and Malina’s “Handbook of Biblical Social Values” we read of the idea of love as attachment and that the idea of love of wife could mean abiding sexual attraction.
We moderns find such a concept hard. We live in an age of dating and can’t seem to grasp often the benefits of arranged marriages. (Speaking as a single guy who has been waiting for a long time, there are times that I wish I had been born in a culture where we had arranged marriages.) We go out and we find someone we like and we date them for awhile and then we marry them.
Could it be though that we need to recover this ancient worldview? Even if we don’t return to arranged marriages, I think there is much to be said in the biblical view of how a man is to love a woman. Let us look at various texts and see this applied in how we are to be attached to the woman and how hate is a form of disattachment.
In Matthew 6:24, we are told no one can serve two masters. There can not be two people that are the ultimate authority in life. Your attachment can only belong to one. Thus, a person in that text will either be attached to God or they will be attached to mammon. The same concept applies though.
In Song of Songs chapter 4, the man speaks of his lady and is very descriptive about how he describes her. Now some of us may blush at these parts. These are fully God’s Word though. Yes. We can draw an allegory to an extent, but let us never deny the beauty of the literal meaning of the text.
However, is he merely doing this? In expressing her beauty, is he not also saying that he desires her and longs to be attached to her above all others? Don’t we see this in Chapter 6:8-9?
8 Sixty queens there may be,
and eighty concubines,
and virgins beyond number; 9 but my dove, my perfect one, is unique,
the only daughter of her mother,
the favorite of the one who bore her.
The maidens saw her and called her blessed;
the queens and concubines praised her.
What is he saying? He is saying that she is different from all the others. He has chosen her to be attached to. The same is found in the explicit language that is contained in Chapter 7:7-8. The story ends with the bride speaking to her groom about how he will find what he desires in her.
Probably one of the best examples of this is in Proverbs 5.
15 Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well. 16 Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
17 Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?
Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?
21 For a man’s ways are in full view of the LORD,
and he examines all his paths.
22 The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him;
the cords of his sin hold him fast.
23 He will die for lack of discipline,
led astray by his own great folly.
Note in this warning against adultery what is described. What was pleasant back then was water. It was a joy to have water. Where was the man to find this “water” of his? It was in his own cistern. He wasn’t to take his neighbor’s water. What the man has is too valuable to simply let loose in the streets. It is his alone. It is his to cherish.
Then he is to look at his wife and in deeply sexual language, is told that he is to rejoice in her always and be satisfied by her. Yes! The groom is to enjoy this relationship and this is to be the prevention against adultery. How does God say to rekindle joy in the marriage covenant? Simple. Rejoice in your wife. Look at her again. Remember how beautiful she is.
Why go with an adulteress? Here’s why not. Your wife is good enough for you. She is what you are to rejoice in. Forbidden fruit may look good, but it is not for you. Why delight in someone else’s wife when you have a lady of your own that you can spend endless delight in?
This is one of the problems with our culture. We rely so much on emotions and feelings that the idea is hard to grasp. “I don’t feel love for my wife.” What do you do? Love her. Be attracted to her. Try romancing her some. Do you not remember when you were dating how you would do anything to impress her? Why stop that?
We tend to have it that in our day and age, the man marries and thinks the chasing stuff is over. May it never be! Keep pursuing her! Remember her! Be attracted to her! Check this out guys. If I am right in what I am saying, and I believe I am, God is telling you to sexually desire your wife. Some of us might be scandalized by that. If I’m correct again though, God isn’t, and he expects it and for you and her to enjoy it.
Men. We need to learn what we are to do from the Scripture. If we are married, we are to desire our wife and her alone. We should not even entertain the thought about what other waters would be like. If you are married, you have your own cistern to drink from and it is most certainly a treasure.
Men. Be attracted. Not only is it commanded, but I am sure of this. Your wife is attractive. Also, your wife will enjoy being attractive to you and she will most likely be glad to show it. So consider the picture then. You get a good marriage, you have a happy mate, you get to please her and she gets to please you.
Maybe the biblical way is right after all.
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