Month: April 2011

Analyzing

Welcome everyone to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. We’ve been going through a look at Autism spectrum disorders for Autism Awareness Month. This has been an insider’s perspective on Asperger’s by myself, someone who is diagnosed with that. Tonight, I plan to look on the topic of analyzing.

Risks can be very hard to face for all of us and I believe for someone on the spectrum it could be even harder. Of course, whenever I say something like this, I am open to correction and there is an aspect that wonders how much of this is related to being an Aspie and how much more is just human. What degree is it harder for an Aspie? It’s really difficult to say since I can’t know from an insider’s perspective what it feels like any more than you can know what my condition is like. For my fellow philosophy people, just think of the idea of what it’s like to be a bat.

Being highly analytical can be a good thing when you’re examining the great ideas. When you’re examining internal perspectives, it can be very difficult. These are more subjective and thus you can have the “What ifs” show up a whole lot easier and these are what ifs on propositions whose truth the world believes to already be a foregone conclusion. I’ve honestly spent years analyzing some of these and this is something my own counseling is working with.

For those who are struggling with this, I believe there is great hope in cognitive therapy. What this means is that what you feel is a direct result of what you think and that the most suffering that you undergo is not based so much on what happens to you, which you cannot control, but on what you tell yourself about what happens to you, which you can control to some extent.

This can be easier with really good friends seeing as they can often tell you what the reality is with you. It would also mean to not get caught up in the moment, which can happen with over-analysis and anxiety. Anxiety is not really based on the present after all but based on pushing the future into the present. It is thinking a present situation is eternal or thinking that what you are undergoing in the present will always hinder you in the future. Just turn to Romans 8 when you’re doubting this and think about what Paul said about our suffering as well as 2 Cor. 4.

This needs to be kept in mind also when thinking about internalization. Whatever happens, it can be prone to be exaggerated to an unhealthy extent, no matter what the gesture. Of course, as what I’ve said about cognitive therapy, I realize that the main issue lies with us in particular, but remember that if we’re on the spectrum it can be difficult and we will need your help with it. Let us all help one another.

Once again, the person is worth it.

Obsessions

Welcome everyone to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. I’ve been spending this month writing on Autism Awareness Month. Today, I plan to discuss the topic of obsessions.

Many Aspies get obsessed with things very easily. It can be an attachment to an object, many of which I can remember growing up, or it can be an attachment to an interest. In some ways, this can be good. For instance, I have a great drive to learn about apologetics.

There are times that it can be neutral as well. The obsessiveness can affect one’s memory on such matters easily. Regular readers of the blog know that I am a total Smallville fan and some of you know that I have every episode title memorized in order. Yes. That’s more than 200 episodes.

When I was growing up, I used to collect the little matchbox cars and I would place them all on an end table. If my mother for some reason moved one when I was away, I am told that when I came back, that I would know exactly which one had been moved and I would be quite upset. I don’t remember this, but I have no reason to doubt it.

When an Aspie has a healthy obsession, it will usually be on a topic and they will want to know all about that topic that they can. There was one day my wife saw some geese outside of our place of residence. She said they were Canadian Geese and I asked her how she knew, to which she immediately shot off a number of reasons to which I could only say “Okay. I’m convinced.”

Of course, there are times that an obsession can be negative and we have to realize that. For me, as an example, I often get obsessed with a negative idea or fear and I cannot seem to shake it. This will be talked about more when we discuss what it means to be overanalytical, but I can spend a long time worrying about something that everyone else already concludes is an established fact.

This needs to be kept in mind when dealing with an Aspie. For instance, if you’re in a church service, an Aspie could bring some sort of object that could bring some comfort to them. You might really want to think before saying anything along the lines of “Is this something I really want to make a big deal over?” If it isn’t, then why not let them since they can have some calmness and serenity in a place where they might be uncomfortable. (Why might they be uncomfortable in church? It’s a social situation and frankly even if it wasn’t, we need God to make us uncomfortable at times.)

When it’s a negative obsession, help the person through it. My own counselor is quite good at this. For many counselors, flooding is not recommended. Give them little steps at a time until they’re ready to make the steps that they need to. Remember, seek first to understand with someone who’s different.

Again, the soul is worth it.

OVERLOAD!

Welcome everyone to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. Lately, we’ve been acknowledging that it is Autism Awareness Month as I have been writing about Autism and Asperger’s from an insider’s perspective. Tonight, I would like to discuss what happens when we undergo what I often call sensory overload, although it can be just information of any kind.

My former roommate who was also the best man at my wedding and I once went to a Kingdom Hall together having had some Jehovah’s Witnesses visit us. Both of us have a strong love of apologetics and our Witness friends did not know about how we regularly debated doctrines like the Trinity against others. Going to the Kingdom Hall was certainly an experience. I have never seen such intense indoctrination as I did then.

However, when the “service”, if you can call it that, ended, we were love-bombed. All around us, all these Witnesses were coming to us and wanting to get to know us. Yesterday I wrote about touch and how a handshake could be the most someone requires of us. I still remember it like it was yesterday that I was being bombarded left and right by all these new people and I had someone’s hand in mind who was greeting me and my roommate had to say to me “Say your name.”

Now on some level, I knew I needed to do that, but I could just not somehow find the means to do that. It was as if I had been frozen in place. There have been times I’ve also experienced such overload on some social issues in receiving different opinions that I can just freeze in a kind of paralysis not knowing what do. Being an overly analytical personality can make this harder.

Also, being part of the working force, there are many times after a day that I am just exhausted and I do not think it is physical exhaustion that has worn me down. In fact, I would prefer to be physically exhausted. Instead, I have been having to exert myself over and over with meeting people and interacting with them. As a public speaker, that’s not a problem since in a way, you control the message, but when you are interacting on the generic level, it is much more difficult.

What does this mean for the Christian wanting to reach an Aspie? Remember that during a church service, it could be that the person you’re wanting to witness just needs some time away. Fellowship time at many church services could be very difficult for some. It isn’t for everyone. My church has a good fellowship time but there are still many times I prefer just sitting down and minding my own business.

If the Aspie you’re witnessing to is like this, that’s okay. Give them space. It could be that they’re on to something. Remember that Jesus many times went off to have some time of seclusion despite having a public ministry.

Again, it’s worth it for that person.

Autism and Touch

Hello everyone and welcome to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. We’ve lately been going through what it’s like to be an aspie for Autism Awareness Month. This has been an insider’s perspective which is not necessarily universal to all Aspies and Autists, but could apply to several. Tonight, I’d like to talk about the idea of touch.

Many of us bond easily with physical touch. For an Aspie, it is not the same way. Touch is also something that can be very intimate, though not necessarily sexually of course. It seems to indicate a new level in a relationship. For someone like myself, even a handshake at times can be awkward.

I recall being at a job once with an assistant manager none of us liked and we had a little dispute one day. I don’t recall what it was over, though I do know this and I mean this without any pride that I was in the right. What happened was that this manager put his arm around me in a kind of buddy-buddy stance with his over my shoulder. As soon as that was done, I went straight to the head manager up front and let it be known that this guy had better never touch me that way again.

For us, touch like that is highly uncomfortable and highly invasive. Of course, once we warm up, we can handle touch to a certain extent. As a married man, I am sometimes in public and there are other women around and while there can be contact such as the exchange of money on a job or something like that, I don’t like the touch. I have devoted myself in such a way that aside from family, the only female who I want to touch and receive the touch of in any way is my wife. Of course, that is also something about we Aspies and our loyalty levels.

When you are deailng with the Aspie, the Aspie will not want to touch you and that’s okay. Being a touchy-feely person around the Aspie will be scary to them. Until they get to know you, the Aspie wants to keep his distance. Of course, if you ever do get to the point where you can get that physical touch easily from the Aspie, then you can congratulate yourself upon reaching a high point with an Aspie and per our loyalty, if you keep that, you will find that you do indeed have something great.

What does this mean for evangelism? It means in our church situations we need to be careful. It can be the tendency to hug a new member in the church but if they’re an Aspie, this could be something to avoid. This is just throwing caution to the wind. Handshakes could be okay, but if you notice that the person is being hesitant, then it would be best to hold back. Just conversation will work and if the Aspie is someone of an intellectual bent, they will appreciate it a lot more.

Again, it’s all worth it to win one to Christ.

Internalizing

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. We’ve been discussing this month Autism Awareness Month and I’ve been trying to give an insider’s perspective on the topic as a person who has Asperger’s. Please note I have Asperger’s. I don’t suffer with Asperger’s. There are times that there are difficulties, but overall, my life is good.

Tonight, I’d like to talk about the topic of internalization. This is not the philosophical debate but the simple fact that what we can tend to do with data is to internalize it to an unhealthy extent. Thus, if a friend of mine doesn’t seem to be speaking to me about something and it could have nothing to do with me, I will be thinking about that detail for awhile and thinking “Did I violate some social rule? Why is he not speaking to me?” It could be he didn’t notice me or he’s just tired or any number of reasons, but it will be internalized.

And yes, I will go to the worst possible scenario.

This can make group interactions very difficult since every facet of what happens in the group scenario has to be understood. If something happens at school or church, you can be thinking “Is the professor or the pastor thinking about me when he says that?”

Please note that when I talk about things like this, I am not saying that the behavior is right or wrong. I am simply saying that this is the way that it is. Most of us can think about that way with worrying, and I assure you an Aspie definitely can. When we are worrying, we know that we ought not to worry. We can know at times that we ought not to internalize things, but like the worrying session, we do that.

Thus, for you, what could be a simple and innocuous gesture for the Aspie can become something that requires much analyzation, and analyzation is something that I plan to talk about in this series. Since we don’t understand society many times, we will misunderstand the reason that you who are neurotypical, as we say, do and say certain things.

What’s the solution? For one thing, we can’t live in paranoia. One aspect of this is that if we are struggling with this, we need to get over it. However, we can be helped in this in that Aspies need people who we know can be open to us and able to be approached and be able to say something like “The other day I did this and you did this in response” or “I said this and you said this in response” and then “Can you explain this to me? I’d like to understand.”

Second, be careful to make sure you’re not adding a barrier. How will your actions be interpreted? The first end is on us here to make sure that we are interpreting you right. However, the other end is to further watch the message you’re sending and remember when being around an Aspie, they could be especially sensitive to comments you make.

And of course, forming communication easily will be an important part in reaching that Aspie for Christ. Again, is it not worth it?

We shall continue next time.

Extroverts

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. Lately, I’ve been going through the experience of being an Aspie in honor of Autism Awareness Month. I have received feedback that this is being helpful to some and I am indeed trying to be as transparent as I possibly can. While most of what I’ve dealt with has been directly about us and our relation to the world, I am going to write tonight about an external response to us.

When I go to a new place, someone who is an extrovert can scare me. At a job I had at a grocery store, there was someone who immediately came up to me upon finding out about my joining and wanting to greet me and shake my hand and find out everything that they could about me.

It’s the kind of thing that makes us want to run screaming.

Of course, people can’t know this about us in advance which can be a disadvantage and I do realize some people are this way naturally. However, while we all must practice self-control about some personality traits, I urge you that if you are outgoing and very talkative that you do your best to avoid this behavior when seeking to minister to an aspie.

It is ironic what happens in these situations and the same can happen in marriages with a wife who is talkative and a husband who is more quiet and analytical. (Our marriage is not like that. We’re both introverts.) In fact, this could be a good tip for those who are in marriages like that. (Note I’m not saying that extroverts and introverts shouldn’t marry. By all means do so. Just like any marriage, be aware of difficulties. Two people can’t live together without them)

Here’s what happens. The wife wants to have a good talk with her husband about just anything. The husband doesn’t really want that at the time. He’s not comfortable with it. The wife will start talking and talking and the husband will get nervous not wanting to talk as that’s not his personality. This makes him be more quiet. Unfortunately, the wife when she gets nervous talks more. As a result, she talks more and he talks less. Of course, this could be reversed in most any case as there can be talkative husbands and quiet wives.

This is the way it is with us as well. If you come out being really exuberant and excited, we will just wonder what to make of you and in fact, not trust you. Picture it the way you picture a salesman who really wants to talk to you a lot. “What’s the pitch?” Does that mean we really think there is a dark ulterior motive behind your wanting to talk to us? No. It just means that we can’t understand that kind of behavior and it makes us nervous.

Remember, slow and steady wins the race. To reach your friend on the spectrum, you will have to move slowly. That person is worth it however.

Being Nonverbal

Welcome everyone to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. I’ve been blogging throughout April on Autism Awareness Month. I hope that this is going to open some peoples’ eyes to what it means to be on the autism spectrum. Aspies are often misunderstood and we need to remember that we’re in the image of God also.

Last night, I wrote on how we need to avoid small talk when dealing with an Aspie. This includes with family. I was even on the phone last night with my mother and she was asking if I was being quick in conversation because I was busy and I said that I was a bit, but I just mainly wanted to talk about something, which led to us discussing politics some, a just fine topic to discuss.

However, having said we don’t do small talk, in many ways, most of us prefer to be nonverbal. Someone from our church once asked my wife and I if we wanted to be door greeters there. For us, that was a thought that gives us terror. Of course, I don’t mean anything negative about the person who asked us. They did not intend us and I don’t have a problem with greeters per se. It’s just that for us, it is an extremely difficult position to be in.

Why? We don’t like to talk if we don’t have to. Now if there is a topic that we want to talk about, we will talk about it. Even with just the two of us, we can be nonverbal at times. My wife knows that she can best determine my mood not so much by what I say but by any nonverbal sounds that I make.

Answering more than that puts us in an awkward position as the conversation involving small talk is not our area of expertise. Based on the way we think, it’s extremely difficult so without the intention of being rude, our goal is to simply move on past that point of the interaction as quickly as we can.

I do admit that this is an oddity of us. After all, we want people to understand us the best we can without being verbal, when all the while we say that we can’t understand people unless they tell us what is going on and I can admit that that is something that I and other aspies like myself need to work on. For all of us, we need to remember that most of our communication that we do will in fact be nonverbal.

What does this mean? When the Aspie is quiet around you and not saying anything, that does not mean that he is not care. As one autism pin I’ve seen has said “Just because I don’t speak doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say.” It could just take time before your aspie friend will be able to warm up to you and talk. However, if it can lead to bringing him into the Kingdom, isn’t that time worth it?

We shall continue next time.

No Small Talk

Welcome everyone to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. For the month of April, I’ve been noting that it is Autism Awareness Month and seeking to give my readers a look at what it means to me to be an Aspie. I am hopeful that this will help us in being more aware of people who are labelled as “disabled” and better able to lead them to Christ.

Small talk is something really difficult for me. The idea of shooting the breeze with conversation just doesn’t make sense. Conversation I think is meant to lead somewhere rather than discussing my internal states necessarily. Of course, there are exceptions but even these I think are in the pursuit of truth. What is the right path for me to pursue? Why does my attitude to this situation say about my psychology? All of this is for the truth.

I recall a time when I was at a past job and was coming up front and someone asked “How are you?” I gave a non-verbal reply of some sort. The same was followed when asked afterwards “How did you spend the weekend?” The third question I was asked was “What are you reading now?” I immediately replied “Saint Augustine’s ‘On The Trinity.’ ”

This has several important facets for evangelism. In talking to someone on the spectrum, talking small will not be helpful to them. In fact, for me, I would be on my guard the whole time wondering who you were exactly and why it is you really want to know all this stuff about me. What difference does it make?

Another example of this was a recent time my wife and I each went to get hair cuts. Normally, I am quite quiet during such an event, but this time the Mrs. was with me and somehow, the lady cutting my hair started asking me questions about her. From then on, I could not be quiet as I went on and on and on about her and about how we met and just delighted in hearing how happy this person was about it. This was a subject that was of interest to me. Apparently, others knew how interested I was as when my wife was done one of her stylists said “Now go show Prince Charming.”

Thus, when you wish to talk to someone who is on the spectrum and who really is at the level where they are capable of verbal communication, is to somehow find out what they are interested in and be sure to talk about that to them. Someone can reach me, for instance, by talking religion, philosophy, games, Smallville, etc. Of course, you might not know something the Aspie is interested in that you’re communicating with. What do you do then? I’d recommend either seek to learn something about what they’re interested in or bring along someone else who has such an interest and let them do the job. Keep in mind that when sharing your faith, you are not obligated to be able to reach everyone. You must depend on others at times.

Small talk might be fine for some, but for some of us, it is a dread that we wish to avoid. Keep this in mind when dealing with those on the spectrum.

How Are You?

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. Right now, it’s Autism Awareness Month and I’ve been focusing on giving us an insider’s look at what it means to have Asperger’s as my wife and I are both diagnosed with the condition. Tonight, I’d like to look at the question that I can’t stand the most to be asked.

When we participate in small talk in public, one of the first questions someone gets asked is “How are you?” Now I do know it’s not just an aspie thing to not like this question, but I believe it’s particularly grating for someone who is on the spectrum. It has always been a question I’ve had difficulty with and when I’m out in the social arena, one I have to deal with the most. I’d rather be asked one of those questions Christians supposedly hate to be asked rather than have to be asked this question.

First off, when I’m asked this question, I feel like I’m under an obligation by the person asking the question to disclose myself in a way that I do not want to. That can be the case even if the person is a trusted friend. If I do not spill my guts on what is immediately on my heart, I can have a feeling that I am being less than honest in what I am stating. On the other hand, there are times that if I did state such a feeling, I am certain it would not be well-received.

Second, the question is vague. When someone asks me the question, I really do not know how to answer because my brain tends to think in only specifics. I do not accept vague generalities for answers. I need to know the connecting reason for something and if I can be able to quantify something, then all the better for that.

When I lived with my folks, I used to have this kind of problem. If I was sick, my parents would ask me the next day if I felt better and found it quite odd that I couldn’t answer that question. The problem for me was that I had no idea how I would quantify such a feeling. I can understand feeling good and feeling bad but I could not really compare feeling better and feeling worse. That’s still a difficulty.

My advice to the person in this case then wanting to reach the aspie is to not ask the question. The aspie could feel under an immediate social obligation. Instead, go and find out something that the aspie is interested in and talk about that instead.

Of course, I do realize that people mean well when asking the question, but it is still a difficult one to answer. In my case, I typically make some sound in reply that is really hard to understand, and most likely because I don’t even know what it really is. I just want the conversation to move on past that question to something that I believe can actually be talked about.

It might sound strange but hey, it’s the world of the Aspie.

We shall continue next time.

No Eye For An Eye

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. I’ve started doing some writing on Autism Awareness Month and giving my insider’s perspective as an Aspie. I want everyone to keep in mind that that is all that it is. I do recommend more thorough research for those interested.

A month or so ago I was involved in a Facebook debate with someone on matters of culture when this person said something to the effect of “Consider that in our culture, we highly value eye contact.” I had to laugh then and let him know that he was talking to an Aspie and I hate eye contact.

Does that mean I always avoid it? No. However, I have to prep myself if I’m doing something like a job interview. Of course, there are other exceptions where eye contact is not hard, such as when my spouse and I spend our time looking into each others’ eyes and not be intimidated by it. There are times however where it’s especially important, such as I want to tell her something really special about herself or deal with some negative attitudes she has and say “Look at your husband” and she’ll turn and look me in the eyes. Of course, she does the same to me.

Generally however, the person like myself will not look at you in the face, and this can be for a number of reasons. Eye contact in some cases can be intimidating. Some people don’t do it because of a sensual overload that they get. However, the person I was arguing with was right in saying that it is expected in our culture and that is something that can often make the Aspie be seen as rude.

The reality is that this is just a different way of thinking. I go see a counselor on a monthly basis. When I’m in his office, I sometimes look at him, but often, I’m busy looking around at everything else. Part of it is just gathering a sense of my surroundings and wanting to know what’s going on. When I have to say something really deep, I can often close my eyes as it can seem to give a better focus. I could also just say that I don’t understand half of what I do, but I do it anyway. Somehow I doubt that’s just an Aspie thing.

What is the lesson to learn for the neurotypical? Realize that when you meet someone who is not looking you in the eye, it is not best to presuppose that they are rude. It could be that they are an Aspie and they will not appreciate eye contact. Now of course, there are times that we Aspies do have to bite the bullet and do such, but keep in mind that if you are a complete stranger to us meeting us at a place like school or church, we will likely not do so to begin with. Keep trying. If you get an Aspie looking you in the eyes, it could just mean you’ve earned his trust.

And that’s quite a thing to earn.

We shall continue next time.