Category: Marriage

Why I Encourage Waiting Until Marriage

Is it harmless to have you fun before you say “I do?” Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

Recently, at Reclaiming The Mind, Michael Patton posted on the topic of if the Bible condemns pre-marital sex. His idea was “Yes.” Then shortly after that on TheologyWeb someone shows up who in the midst of his posting saying he is a Christian, starts saying Christ has no problem with sex before marriage and that the legalism of Christians on the issue is sickening. (Wouldn’t surprise me from what I saw if the guy was really an atheist.) There are a number of Christians who have questions on this issue. I figured I should throw in my own two cents.

To give a personal background, when I first lived in Knoxville, I had a circle of friends and around me, I saw people getting married. I was in a position of wondering if it’d ever happen to me. Many people I chatted with online knew that this was my perennial question. It was the great sadness I had in my life. When I went to Charlotte and got on Facebook while there, I saw many people I went to high school with had married and were having kids as well.

Ironically, I formed a new circle of friends, many of whom were in my wedding party. As it turns out, this time, I was the first one in my circle to get married. Allie and I have been married for nearly 2 and a half years. I was 29 when we married and she was 19. (I waited a long time. I tell her often she’s fortunate that she got something many girls dream about, a good husband, pretty much right out of high school) Add in that we both have Asperger’s, and that makes things even more interesting.

Sex is definitely an important part of a marriage. Some people might suspect that I’m going to say what some Christians give the impression of. Sex is something dirty and you shouldn’t think about it.

Um. No.

I’m a married man. I consider that practically blasphemy to say that about sex. It’s something special and awesome and wonderful. God created it. It was all His idea. He designed the parts, the system, and even the engine that runs it. The pleasurable aspect of it, He made for us.

Yes. God intends for us to enjoy this.

I also don’t want to say the usual stuff that we get. Most often we are told “You could get STDs,” or “You could get a girl pregnant or get pregnant yourself” or “You will have guilt for what you did.” First off, it’s true that you could get an STD or pregnancy outside of marriage could result, but what if that was eliminated, and to an extent it can be. Does that mean we no longer have an argument? Our stance must be on moral grounds and not just practical grounds.

As for guilt, some people do have guilt. Some don’t. We do a great danger to those who don’t because they could say “Wow. I had a really good time. The church was wrong about this. I wonder what else they’ve been wrong about as well?” After all, if guilt always resulted from doing something wrong, our society would not have the sin problem to the extent that it does. (Note that not feeling guilty does not mean one has not incurred actual guilt before God)

So now, eliminating STDs, pregnancy, and feelings of guilt, is there any reason to not have sex before one is married?

Yes. Yes there is.

To begin with, our society has its view of sex very much wrong. When we watch a TV show or a movie for instance, it’s usually just what every person is thinking about entirely 24/7. The media doesn’t seem to show all the other aspects of sex that can happen. It seems foreign to them that a woman might not be turned on immediately but needs to be loved over time. It seems to forget that men can also want some emotional closeness and that one does not just play the sex card every time as if every man will be immediately subservient to that. Watch just the media and you can get the idea that we’re all just big bundles of hormones walking around waiting for our next fulfillment.

Yet even still there is an inconsistency. One can find a prostitute as a shameful place to have in society, but one does not seem to find that sleeping around personally is. If anything, it would seem at least the prostitute who is just giving out sex could be said to at least be making money out of the deal. When I see this, I just cannot figure out the irony of it all.

Also, there is a tendency to view the person as just an object. For we men, it can be that a woman could be seen as nothing more than a means to have sexual release. C.S. Lewis once wrote about a man with strong sexual desire and how it would be said “He needs a woman.” Lewis responded that’s the last thing he needs. If he found a real woman, he wouldn’t know what to do. He just wants sex and a woman happens to be the apparatus by which he desires that. We men in marriage need to be on guard against this attitude.

Now someone can say “Well you wouldn’t drive a car without taking it for a test drive would you?” No. You wouldn’t, but this gets to the problem as it is treating people as if they were mechanical and dare I say it, treating sex as if it was nothing but a mechanical process. Of course, there is nothing wrong with technique and such, but this is not just two physical objects coming together. This is two persons, persons with wills and emotions and desires.

When you take the car off the lot to test it out, the car is not thinking “Oh my. I’d better do good for this driver.” The car is not worried about its performance. The car has no pressure. If you reject it, the car does not pine away in the dealer’s lot. The car does not have fear for the next person to come along wondering if it will be rejected again. The car is just still right there and neither knows nor cares.

It’s usually interesting that most people see themselves as the driver instead of the car. Implicitly, the other person in that case is being watched to see if they please you.

In marriage on the other hand, it becomes different. Yes. We men want our own pleasure very much, and to an extent there is nothing wrong with that. We need to know what we like as well so we can tell our wives, but many men will also say, and I would agree, that there is something unsatisfying if we don’t think we’re pleasing our wives at the same time. We’re not just focused on us. We’re focused on making our wives know how much they mean to us, and bluntly, for us, this is one of the best ways we know how to do it. (I understand that Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, has said that this is the sixth love language every man speaks.)

The difference is we have that trust built in beforehand through the covenant that has been made. There is no pressure to perform. There is, of course, or should be, desire to perform and to perform well. It is not for fear of rejection in marriage, or at least it shouldn’t be, but for a desire to build up that trust.

Besides, how much can someone be trusted when they seek total and complete vulnerability from you, but are not willing to make a commitment to you in marriage. “Well they will in the future!” Okay. If they will in the future, and you’re certain of that, then what’s the harm with waiting for that commitment?

Of course, that is a struggle and a battle. Allie and I dated for less than a year, but it was a battle until then. She knows I was very hesitant about physical touch. I was always afraid to go too far. I am not for a moment denying that this is a struggle for people who are not married and for people who are in a dating relationship. In fact, that’s good and normal. Sexual desire is a good and healthy thing.

It’s just that sex is something incredibly powerful and explosive. It is a little dynamite in a marriage relationship that adds a powerful spark. For my friends who are single, yes, this is something that changes your life. I tell people that the reason I have so much confidence now as opposed to the way I was before marriage, is because of the validation that I have in marriage. It is like nothing else. It is the strongest way I can be told “I love you.” Men and women both want romance. We just want it in different ways, and we men definitely need to realize especially that women are creatures that need and deserve romance and not just objects to turn off and on for our pleasure.

In the marriage covenant, this becomes something that solidifies the relationship and strengthens it. The deeper bond that comes produces love as the man and woman see each other in a different light. They start responding to each other differently than they did before. In public, one can think they know their spouse in a way no one else does.

Because of this, each person then seeks to please the other more and more and put to death their own desires, and that can be a battle. There are many times, for instance, that one can be in an argument with a spouse and think of a “zinger” that one could use to really win the argument. I can think of times that I have held back when it was right there waiting to be said. Unfortunately, I can think of times when I’ve been an idiot and let it out only to sincerely and deeply be apologizing minutes later. (And men, please do make it a point to apologize and seek forgiveness when you screw up, because you will as will I.)

Many women can enter a sexual relationship seeing it as if it is a precursor to marriage. Many men are quite happy with the relationship at the level that it’s at, and why shouldn’t they be? They get to have their fun and they don’t even have to make a lifelong commitment to the woman. This is also why statistically, living together before marriage increases the likelihood that you will get a divorce.

And speaking of divorce, some of you could be thinking that a trust relationship isn’t really there in marriage because there’s always divorce. Note what I am going to say at the start. I am not going to say that divorce is ALWAYS wrong. There are sad times where I think it is highly recommended, such as the case of an abusive relationship that does not end even after separation and counseling. I also think it is justifiable in the case of marital infidelity. Of course, in the latter, it is also possible to work through it, and I would encourage that route first. Divorce can be an option, but it should be a last resort. We set the bar way too low and inevitably, people will hit a low target. Treating marriage as if it can be ended at any time for any reason destroys trust. Realize you are in a lifelong relationship with that person so do what you can to build it up, not to tear it down, and don’t test the other person.

Some of you are also surprised I haven’t been quoting Scripture in this. I don’t think there is an explicit reference in the Bible, but I think implicitly, true sexuality in the Bible is always seen to be between husband and wife. In Jewish culture, when a couple was betrothed, they did everything except live together and have sex, which would mean this did not need to be spelled out. Also, the point of marriage would in many cases be the first time of having sex. Having sex with someone, as Paul says, makes you one with that person. I can look back and be thankful that I’m one with only one other person and she has only been one with me as well. I am thankful to have this in my life now, but also thankful that I waited.

The reason ultimately we guard sex between a husband and wife is not because we are prudes, although some of us are. It is for the opposite reason. It is because this is like the objects one keeps in a safe-deposit box. You don’t keep dirty laundry or old banana peels or your grocery list in there. You keep what is valuable in there. We protect sex because it is so valuable and realize that releasing this dynamite outside of the setting it was meant to be used in leads to disaster. The hook-up culture is a fine example of this.

For further information, I think one of the best books a parent can get their Christian child before sending them off to college is “How To Stay Christian In College” by J. Budziszewski. In that book, he has a chapter with several reasons to avoid pre-marital sex. Also, Lauren Winner’s book “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity.” For couples who are engaged or about to be, I highly recommend Kevin Leman’s “Sheet Music” and Ed Wheat’s “Intended for Pleasure.”

Go forward and enjoy, but enjoy the way the Creator intended, and you will get the most out of it.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

What Don’t You Like?

Is morality just a set of personal preferences? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

There’s an image going around Facebook again with a message like this:

Don’t like abortion? Don’t have one. Don’t like gay marriage? Don’t have one. Don’t like porn? Don’t watch it. You can see from here how it is going. I also see there are some variations of it online. However, the last part of each one is “Don’t like having your rights taken away. Don’t take away someone else’s.”

It is sad that our society today considers this sound reasoning.

At the start, let’s consider that it is saying that if you don’t like something, don’t do it. Okay. Let’s suppose it was the opposite. Let’s suppose I do like those things. Does that mean that if I did like taking away someone else’s rights, then I should be free to do that? Does this come down to what we like?

Second, images like this ignore the main question. Why aren’t these things liked? (And furthermore, why are we even using the term “like.” It makes me think I’m not discussing what moral practice I want to uphold or condemn but what movie I want to watch at the theater.) Could it be there are actual objections that say that “I don’t support X because X is wrong.”

Take abortion as an example. Could it be that some people oppose abortion because they believe the following statements are true?

Human life is in the image of God.
Human life begins at conception.
When conception take place, a new human life has entered the world.
Innocent human life should be protected.
All innocent humans have a right to live.

If we believe those things, then it follows that we should conclude abortion is immoral. For the sake of argument, our position could be wrong. It could be one of those statements or more is false. The aspect we cannot be wrong on is that we know that we believe those statements to be true. Again, you can say we’re wrong, but we condemn abortion because we believe it to be immoral.

Porn is an example of this. I know men who are addicted to porn. You know what? Some of them would say they like porn! They want more of it! They want to see it! They just know that it’s wrong. You can like something and know it’s wrong. In fact, the reason we all return to our sinful habits some is because we like them. If sin was not something we liked, sin would not be such a problem.

When we get to the end, what we note immediately is that this switched from personal preferences to moral absolutes. The others were things you did that generally involved your own private life. (though not entirely) This last one involves your interaction with others directly.

However, if the other statements are not based on moral truths, why should I think this one is? If all others are just personal preferences, could we not say that this is a personal preference as well? In fact, why should I care about someone else’s personal preference, which is a moral claim. Suppose it’s just that I don’t like abortion. Okay. I condemn it. Someone else does like it. Why should I care? By what moral standard will I be told that I should not go against what someone likes if there is no moral truth?

Someone could say I’m being a hypocrite. This is interesting since for all the stances people have on morality, most of us condemn being a hypocrite. Last month, I debated an atheist on the Razor Swift podcast who had said that God was not consistent with his moral principles. I found this interesting since he had espoused a moral relativism and so I just started asking that if morality is relative, what is wrong with being a hypocrite? It’s saying “There are no moral standards, but it’s immoral to not follow your own personal standard.” That becomes a moral standard that is put on everyone else.

Cliches like the ones used in the image lead to the lack of thinking among the masses and shut down good discussion. It is those who do not think who will be persuaded of this.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

It Won’t Hurt Your Marriage

Redefining marriage won’t hurt yours will it, so what’s the big deal? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

How many of us have heard this one? What’s the big deal about letting homosexuals marry? It won’t hurt your marriage.

This sounds like a powerful objection, but it’s simply empty rhetoric.

For a start, most of us are encouraged to look for the good of others. It’s interesting that those who make such statements as this usually also tell us that we should seek the happiness of others and give them what they want. On the one hand then, I am encouraged to do this because it meets my own interests. In the other case, I am not to look for my own interests. Which is it?

Still, let’s look also at the way the argument is. There is a hidden premise.

That which will not hurt you is that which you should not worry about.
Homosexuals marrying will not hurt you.
Homosexuals marrying is that which you should not worry about.

But how would this work in other situations?

The kids of the neighbor are being abused by their father. Well that hurts them certainly, but it does not hurt me or my children. Therefore, I should not worry about it.

There is a high frequency of female rape in your community. Supposing you are not married and not even interested in marrying and have no female relatives nearby, then it affects no one that I know, therefore I should not be worried about it.

Our country is going to war. I know no one in the military and I know no one we are fighting against. Therefore, I should not worry about it.

In being good citizens of society, we all know that we should have an active concern in seeking the good of our society regardless of if it affects us directly or not. Even if I am not homeless, I should go and help those who are. Even if I am not going hungry, I should be willing to go and help those who are. (Interestingly, these were the same people who also complained that Christians were going to Chick-Fil-A instead of going to the soup kitchens. Would it have been fair to say “Starving people don’t affect me so why should I go?”)

In fact, in all of this we have not yet answered the question of if it hurts us. I contend that the answer is yes.

Let’s use divorce as an example. Let’s suppose we live in a society where people are profoundly aware of no-fault divorce. They are aware due to a high divorce rate in their area. Say that a couple gets married. The man has no intention of divorcing the wife. The woman has no intention of divorcing the husband. Both can repeat this to each other but when a hard time hits, both could be tempted to think “I will not divorce my spouse, but I wonder if I’m starting to wear on them.”

Even supposing that it is true that divorce never enters the mind of either, when they are asked by each other and answer “I would never think about it!” it could be easy to say “They’re just saying that.” This leads to the breakdown of trust. Never mind the effect that something like this will have on children who need to grow in an environment of stability.

We were told divorce would not really hurt kids. We were wrong.

Now this time we are to believe that not having a mother or not having a father as the default position will not hurt kids. A study like Regnerus’s has come along to help dispel this myth. I have no doubt that ten to twenty years down the line, even more research will come in to support this. If marriage as an institution is lowered, all instances of that institution will be lowered.

Yes. What happens does hurt my marriage but even if it did not, I believe it hurts society so I cannot be silent.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

The Stonewall Riot

What happened at Stonewall for the homosexual movement? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

Normally, I don’t really share the blog with anyone, but my wife has been making a study lately on the homosexual movement. Now for those who don’t know, she did have surgery yesterday for a deviated septum, so it could be awhile before she posts again. I myself could be posting later on today again. For now, all that follows comes from her.

June 27th, 1969, at the Stonewall Inn, in New York’s Greenworks Village, a deadly riot was created and lasted for several days. But before we get into what happened at the riot, let us go back to what life was like for the homosexual before the riot.

Homosexuality was illegal. If you were caught doing any homosexual activities, you were not only arrested, but you were also permanately listed on maps as basically a sexual deviant, and could not get a license for any sort of business or job. You were also often beaten severely and called very offensive names such as “faggot.” You had to live in secrecy. If anyone found out your sexuality, you would pretty much be cut-off of society. Homosexuality was even listed as a mental disorder. You would be taken to a special mental institute for gays and would get things such as electroshock therapy whenever you were turned on by an image of the same sex, or you were given a pharmacudical pill that would essentially give you the feeling of drowning, similar to waterboarding. Life as a homosexual was very difficult. When you’d finally find a place where you could be yourself as a homosexual individual, police officers would eventually raid those areas (such as gay bars) and make plenty of arrests. Again, you would often be severely beaten.

Now, let’s go to the Stonewall event. On the evening of June 27, 1969, six police officers raided a popular gay bar known as the Stonewall Inn, which like many gay bars, were owned by the Mafia. Many people were outraged by this and surrounded the Stonewall Inn. There was a huge crowd yelling and throwing objects at the police officers. Trash cans were also set on fire. The crowd surrounded the police officers. The police officers were then trapped inside the Stonewall Inn. More police officers then came to the site with helmets and shields. Drags known as “Queens” taunted to poilice officers doing the rockettes dance and singing,

“We are the Stonewall girls
We wear our hair in curls
We wear no underwear
We show our pubic hair
We wear our dungarees
Above our nelly knees”

Eventually, the police officers and the crowd were beating each other. The cops would beat people with clubs, while the people in the crowd would continue to throw things and even bite the officers. The police reports recorded this information on the first day of the riot:

David Van Ronk assualted Officer Gilbert Weisman by throwing an unknown object which struck the officer’s right eye, causing injury.
Raymond Castro, Marilyn Fowler, and Vincent Depaul assaulted Officer Charles Broughton by kicking him.
Wolfgang Podolski assaulted Officer Andrew Scheu by striking him on his left eye, causing him to fall and fracture his left wrist.
These are only a few of the reports. On the second day of the riot, more people began to join in the riot, including “straight” people, causing the rioting to become even more intense. People in the crowd were not only hit on the back, but also serious injury to the head. This lasted for six days when it finally ended. Many bodies layed on the ground. The crowd had consisted from hundreds of people, to thousands of people involved in the rioting.

One year later, Gay Pride week was created, where homosexuals would march around Christopher St in a parade, promoting their sexuality. This still continues every year to this very day, celebrating what the men and women did on that very day.

Now that we’ve taken a peak into history, let’s take a look at this at both point of views.
The homosexual community was being treated improperly. They were being exploited and beaten. It is no wonder they reacted the way they did. Does this make what they did right? Not at all. Beating people is never the right thing to do. The way how the police force treated homosexuals was wrong, but rioting and throwing objects at them and biting and kicking them, as well as taunting them, was wrong as well. Here’s another interesting fact to compare then to now. When these riots were going on, the homosexual community were not concerned with having same-sex marriages. In fact, they were trying to get away from the pressures of family and marriage. But today, they are pressuring not only to make it legal to have same-sex marriages, but for the rest of the world to also accept same-sex marriage. Why has this all of a sudden changed? Why is it that then they didn’t care about marriage, but now they’re arguing for same-sex. With my research, I am trying to only stick with the facts for both parties. This is only the beginning of my research and I hope you will follow along this journey with me, and that we will examine our hearts in the process.

For more information on the Stonewall Riot, here are some resources.

http://socialistalternative.org/literature/stonewall.html
http://www.outhistory.org/wiki/Stonewall_Riot_Police_Reports,_June_28,_1969
http://biblethumpingliberal.com/2011/06/25/the-stonewall-uprising-and-the-evangelical-right-1969-to-1984/

Two Years Today

Two years of what? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

In the past, I kept to myself, but around two years ago, I did make a personal announcement that people who did not know me were probably very surprised by. I announced then that I had met someone very special and I would be out for about a week as I was getting ready to tie the knot.

Today, that has been two years.

It’s really incredible all that we’ve gone through. We’ve had deaths in the family. I had a gallbladder attack that resulted in my needing surgery. We’ve had to move. I’ve lost a job. I’ve been unemployed (And still am.). In two years, we’ve faced a number of crises, some of which we’ve probably forgotten.

And we’re still going strong.

It’s not to say it hasn’t been work at times, but should we expect anything less? In our world today, to learn to love the other and put your own needs and desires second place is extremely difficult, especially in an individualistic culture that looks at each person as the center of their universe.

Let’s face it. The old man can rise up in us all and needs to be put to death and marriage is one of the best ways to find out what your nature is really like. It reminds me even of how someone at my last job once asked me the best way to learn forgiveness. I answered “Get married.” Why? You spend a lot of your time either giving forgiveness or asking it. In my case, it’s asking.

As readers know, we haven’t had much and that’s been difficult. It’s not just paying for basic necessities in this tough economy, but I do have a very generous side that would love to give more gifts to my wife than I can afford to do and I hate to have to say no.

Something else you learn about marriage is that love grows every time. My wife is more beautiful today than when I was dating her. She means more to me today and half the time I find myself stunned at the things I think and believe because I had no idea that such a commitment was possible.

Noteworthy also for my friends is to see the change that has come. Aspies usually don’t have the best of diets, yet I’ve had increased diversity there ever since my Princess came along. Doctors today be they physicians or mental doctors have been stunned since they had given up hope long ago. A good woman can just be a great incentive.

Study has also been more important now. My wife has greatly caused my confidence to increase and while I’m unemployed, I’ve been making the most of my time with vociferous reading from the local library. I have high hopes of winning a kindle in their summer reading contest. I even already subscribe to the free list of books on Kindle and get those emailed to me.

As for the apologetics field, I hope to see it grow. I believe we are on a great quest right now and there’s no telling where it’s going to go. I realize things are hard, but being a theologian, I realize who’s in charge of the story as well and trust that He will guide us to a good outcome. While my resume may not be getting many bites, I will still try to no end.

Any way, to my Princess, you are the love of my life! Happy Anniversary from your Phoenix!

In Christ,
Nick Peters

General Mills Vs. Boston

What does a cereal company have to do with the capital of Massachusetts? Find out on Deeper Waters.

We’re taking a break from our look at the law to discuss a hot topic going on today. Not too long ago, some companies like General Mills came out in favor of homosexual marriage and this caused an outcry from several Christians and the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) leading to a boycott of General Mills and other companies.

Immediately, the blogosphere was ablaze with the imbecility supposedly of Christians doing something like this. Even on the Failblog one would see entries asking about how many other things would be boycotted because of the position of General Mills. Obviously, Christians were just dumb for doing what they did.

The reality of this situation is that Christians who want to do this are simply living according to their principles. Most people who believe in tolerance would agree that it would be wrong to force someone to do something that they deem to be immoral. Of course, if they say otherwise, one wonders what kind of tolerance they have when they believe they should force their opinions on others.

Enter Chick-Fil-A. Chick-Fil-A is known to be a company built on Christian principles. You will not find a Chick-Fil-A open on a Sunday. Chick-Fil-A has also been accused of being in support of traditional marriage. Before going on, let’s take a look at the way the debate is framed.

Chick-Fil-A is said to be in opposition of marriage equality. If you oppose homosexual marriage, you oppose said equality. This is fallacious however as it assumes that the opponents are people who oppose equality and we see equality as a good quality to have. Who would want to oppose it?

Now when I meet someone who claims an inequality, I ask how my marriage rights differ from someone who is homosexual. This is the response I get.

“You have the right to marry the person you love!”

Well, not necessarily.

Before some of you might start panicking, let me assure you I have not made a statement that says anything about the love I have for my Mrs. I have made a statement rather about the rights that I have. Let’s see what my rights are as a heterosexual.

I can marry someone of the opposite sex.
I can marry someone who is of age.
I cannot marry a close relative.
I must marry a human.
I cannot marry more than one person.

As it stands, the person I love falls into that criteria.

Here are the rights of a homosexual.

They can marry someone of the opposite sex.
They can marry someone who is of age.
They cannot marry a close relative.
They must marry a human.
They cannot marry more than one person.

Looking at the lists, the rights are identical. Now the homosexual community says that they are not allowed to marry the person they love, which is someone of the same sex. I agree. They cannot. The reality is that I cannot marry someone of the same sex either and I cannot force a change just by saying “I love them!” If I claimed to love my mother sexually, it does not mean that I should therefore have the right to marry her.

So the idea of marriage equality is just wrong. There is a different right that is desired. At this point however, we can just ask why we should not change any of the other rights. It could be that we will be told no one is campaigning for those rights now. So what if they are? What do we do then? By what criteria do we not grant them those rights that allows for homosexuals to marry someone of the same sex?

Anyway, to get back to where we were, some who think Chick-Fil-A has taken a wrong stance have also decided that they want to boycott Chick-Fil-A. Upfront, I think that is just fine. That is what their moral belief is and they have the right to act according to that belief. If they think Chick-Fil-A deserves to be condemned in this endeavor, then by all means let them speak with their pocketbook. We can speak about the rightfulness or wrongfulness of such a position, but we cannot say the action of a personal boycott is automatically wrong.

Now recently, Dan Cathy, president of Chick-Fil-A has come out with a statement in regard to their stance of being for traditional marriage and has said that they are guilty as charged. I find it interesting in this that someone who believes in traditional marriage is meant to automatically be seen as a bigot. He is not speaking out against something so much as he is speaking for something.

Now because of this, a different factor has entered the equation. Thomas Menino, the mayor of Boston, is moving to block Chick-Fil-A from opening a restaurant in Boston. Now when NOM went against General Mills, it was a personal boycott. Right now, Menino is doing a political action to make his case.

What do I not expect to see happen? I do not expect that the people who mocked Christians for their boycott will go after Menino for not just boycotting but actively blocking the business of Chick-Fil-A. A look at Twitchy shows that there are comments that have this. (For those who don’t know, Twitchy is a service that shows comments on Twitter in response to various news items)

Instead, what we are seeing is that Menino is proudly standing up for those who are being discriminated against. This is in fact Menino’s reason. He does not want a business that discriminates in his city. The problem is Menino is confusing persons with behaviors and in fact, his position is dehumanizing.

You are not a behavior walking around. You are a person. You are a person who happens to do whatever behaviors might be discussed. Menino’s actions instead define persons by their behaviors. It claims that persons must perform with such and such a behavior and they cannot avoid otherwise. With regard to homosexuality, a person must perform sex in a homosexual manner and they cannot do otherwise.

Now we could write endlessly about whether someone can change from homosexuality to heterosexuality. I’ve read of enough stories of that happening that I think they can, but let us suppose for the sake of argument that they cannot. Does it follow that a person who is homosexual must partake then of homosexual sex? No more than a person who is heterosexual must partake of heterosexual sex, unless you want to make the case be that heterosexual people have self-control and homosexual ones don’t.

Can that be difficult? Of course, but would someone deny that it is also difficult for a heterosexual person to not engage in heterosexual sex outside of parameters they believe that it is permissible, such as within marriage? (If anyone does not think it possible, I can tell them my wife and I were virgins until our wedding night) Sexual temptation is difficult for most anyone.

Now if someone does not eat, that someone will starve. If someone does not breathe, they will suffocate. If someone does not drink, they will dehydrate. There are things we have to do individually to survive. Sexual behavior is not like that. You will not find an autopsy anywhere that lists cause of death as “Did not have sex.”

Now of course, as a whole, the species must engage in sexual intercourse to survive, but we are quite fortunate that it seems that most men and women don’t really need encouragement to get together and make babies. We don’t see any reason to think the human race will soon die out due to a lack of babies coming, although abortion might make us wonder in the future.

And to be even more specific, no one needs to engage in homosexual sex in order for the species to survive. If no one ever had homosexual sex, the species would still get along just fine. It is something like this that makes me wonder why it is that so many atheists want to rush to defend homosexuality? One would think that from an evolutionary perspective, it doesn’t do much to bring about the fitness of the species.

At any rate, we can think of terms that describe our behavior like vegetarian or homosexual or baseball player or anything like that. We would not want any of those to be our whole identity. Behavior is an aspect of persons but not a definer of persons.

Hence, Menino’s position is really dehumanizing as it makes homosexuals be identified by their behavior. If saying marriage should not be changed is discriminatory, then what is anyone to say about people who are homosexual as well and want marriage to stay the same?

Furthermore, for all his talk about discrimination, Menino’s position is discriminatory. He has set up which businesses he will allow in his city, those who agree with him, and has set up which ones he will not allow, those who do not agree with him.

Of course, he could be right in his position, but let us not make the mistake of saying that he is not discriminating. In fact, he is also discriminating against a population, something he says he is against. He is discriminating against the population that believes marriage should stay what it is and that we should act to protect it.

Now we often hear from the homosexual community about how we should be tolerant and open of other opinions. Apparently, that means people who believe in traditional marriage should be open to being wrong, but people who are for homosexual marriage do not have to be open to being wrong. Tolerance in this case is never a two-way street. Will we see tolerance coming from the other side? Doubtful. This decision will be celebrated while at the same time the decision to boycott General Mills will be mocked.

Ironically, it is the marriage side that is practicing true tolerance. We are saying General Mills has every right to say what they think is true. Meanwhile, we have every right to not buy their products if we choose. Menino on the other hand is saying that not only is Chick-Fil-A wrong, he will not have a discussion with them. He is just going to block them and use the force of his political power to not let anyone in his city enjoy their products.

Ah. The loving tolerance once again that is being expressed. But what do we know? We’re just bigots who need to be more tolerant.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Self-Focused Sexuality

Why are we having a debate over the marriage question? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

I was in a debate on Facebook on same-sex marriage when someone wanting to respond to my view told me that if my view is correct, then divorce should be illegal.

It was at that moment that I got a further realization of how depraved our culture is.

“If marriage is a lifelong sexual commitment between a man and a woman, then divorce should be illegal.”

“But divorce should not be illegal because divorce is a good.”

“Therefore, marriage should not have to be a lifelong sexual commitment between a man and a woman.”

Was this said explicitly of course? No. The argument does seem to assume that divorce is some kind of good and we ought to have it. See how ridiculous my position would be then? I take this thing that is a good and say that if my view on marriage is correct, this should not be.

In fact, my reply was to congratulate the person on agreeing with Jesus. Jesus, if you remember, when asked about divorce, said that Moses granted divorce because of the hardness of hearts, but it was not always this way. God did not design marriage to be separated by divorce. Now Jesus did grant it in the case of unfaithfulness to the covenant, and there are such sad cases, but those cases are for when the good thing has already gone incredibly bad.

It would be a mistake to start with divorce as the good. We must start with marriage as the good. We should not be seeking to protect the state of divorce. We should instead be seeking to protect the state of marriage.

Could this be part of the reason why we even have the debate on SSM to begin with? Every argument is built on premises and there are times that those premises themselves have to be questioned. If marriage is just simply about the happiness of the people involved, then I agree, there would not really be an argument against SSM. Now marriage can and does bring happiness to the two, but is that what the institution is all about? Does marriage exist simply to make us happy?

As Christians, we are to believe that our happiness is found ultimately in God. There are things here that can make us happy, but they cannot be the source of our happiness. Our spouses can make us happy, but they should not be our happiness. Sexual union can also bring about happiness, but it should not be the source of happiness. If we make either of those the source, we make a huge mistake as we end up creating an idol.

For our culture, sex is the big one. We live in a society that says you are not living a complete life if you have not had sex. I happen to have friends who are single and still virgins and I am convinced they are living lives of much higher quality than those people I know of who are shacking up or who are having one-night stands regularly.

It is my hope that they will marry, because I do think marriage provides a great joy and I want them to have it, but at the same time, if for some reason they decide to not marry, then that is alright. They are not living incomplete lives. It is possible to go through life without ever having sex and still to have led a rich and full life.

Yes. You heard that right.

Now as a married man, supposing, and God forbid, my wife suddenly died. I would be without sex in my life then. It would be something very hard, no doubt, and something I would miss assuming I never remarried, but it would be entirely possible still. My life is enriched by sex, but my life does not depend on it. You will not find a medical report anywhere that says “Cause of death: Lack of sex.”

Our society just finds this incredible to think about. We have films like the 40 year-old Virgin. After all, who could reach the age of 40 and still be a virgin? How bizarre would that be?

Yet I wonder if anyone would really describe our society overall as happy with this. We might have some temporary pleasures every now and then, but could we not be more like addicts seeking more and more pleasure from various places and needing more and more to get us the necessary high each time?

A married couple should not have this problem. It is the constant growing with the other person physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially, and sexually that shapes things. The intimacy is regularly built that you become one with the person and rather than wading in many shallow pools of sexual flings, we end up diving in a sexual ocean with one person becoming more and more aware of them every time.

The great danger is to come seeking solely your pleasure. Now you need to be aware of your own pleasure so your spouse can know what does and doesn’t bring you pleasure, but if you are just seeking your own pleasure entirely, you are not loving the other person. You are treating them as an object.

For this reason men, we should sometimes be thankful our wives tell us “no.” Men tend to be the ones that want to enjoy sex the most and women don’t. Why is it that a man should be thankful for something like this? Mark Gungor, a Christian pastor with the “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage” says in his DVD presentation that there are some men who marry a woman with a strong sexual appetite and that he thinks he speaks on behalf of all men when he says to those guys “We hate you.”

Without some limitations, we could tend to dominate our wives. We could think they exist solely for our pleasure. They do not. Keep in mind we also exist to bring them happiness. In fact, in Deuteronomy, if a man got married, he was not to go to war for a year so he could bring cheer to his wife. That’s right. The man was supposed to avoid defending his country so he could make his wife happy.

It does not say so she can bring cheer to the man. (And this is supposedly a sexist culture remember)

I’ve recently been reading “And the Band Played On” by Randy Shilts on the spread of AIDS. Shilts was in fact a homosexual who died of AIDS, and regularly one hears about the homosexual experience in the book where men who just always want more pleasure would find more and more partners, and more would be needed, as well as more experiences. The number of sexual partners a man could have in his life would be astronomical.

Why does that matter? Because with no limitations placed on appetite, one can allow it to dominate, and when an appetite for that which is less than the greatest good dominates, then it will quickly lead to idolatry. Could this be some of what Paul has in mind in Romans 1?

What has this been all about? It’s been all about seeking our happiness. Marriage is not about that. It is hard work. Why? You are a fallen individual and the person you marries is fallen and when our fallenness collides with that of another, you can be sure that there will be conflict. My Mrs. and I can get upset sometimes over the craziest things. We can know it’s crazy, but hey, we’re fallen.

That being said, we both want the other person to shine in the future. My wife wants to see my ministry flourish and is excited about where she thinks I am going. Meanwhile, I see that my wife has a lot of good to her that she has a hard time realizing and I am looking forward to seeing that beautiful flower bloom more and more.

We have this idea that everything in life is supposed to be easy. It’s not. Most things in fact are hard. I’ve said on a recent blog I think that I try to read at least 100 pages a day, often more. That can be difficult with balancing time between being with my wife, helping around the house, doing any work, just some quiet pleasure time, and all the other demands of the day. It’s good to be able to answer questions, but the wrong approach to getting the ability to answer questions is not to sit down and pray “God. Give me the knowledge I need,” and then do nothing. There is nothing wrong with praying that, but be sure to follow it with actions. Be sure to be going to a library, listening to podcasts, attending conferences, studying, dialoguing with others, and taking classes at colleges and Seminaries.

The reality is that you actually have to be seeking knowledge in order to get knowledge. What would it mean to say “I want knowledge” but then say “But I don’t want to do all the things that will bring about knowledge?” If that is your attitude, then you do not really want knowledge. You might think it’d be nice to have, but it just isn’t worth the effort.

If you want a good and happy marriage, you will have to work. It does not matter who you marry. Work will be an essential. That person will change over time and you will have to love them through all the changes. This will help you to become a more holy person. When you are tempted to complain about your spouse’s attitude, it will show you much in your own attitude you need to work on.

We often hear about how hard the Bible is on women with the term “submit.” Most don’t take the time to look at what else is in Ephesians 5. I was recently talking with a friend on the phone whose wife is going through a hard time and reminding him of what it says.

What does it say? How are husbands to love their wives? “As Christ loved the church.” As I told him, that better terrify you. That is a huge calling. What man is going to look and say “Yeah. I can love a woman the way Christ loves the church?” It is supreme arrogance to think that we apart from the Holy Spirit could do that, but yet, this is what we are called to do. We are called to the most sacrificial love of all. (And keep in mind, this is in that sexist book again.)

The first step is to stop looking at other people, including our spouses, to fulfill our desires. The second step is to stop looking at ourselves as having our purpose be to fulfill the desires of our spouses. What? “But Nick, I thought you were saying we need to have that self-sacrificial love.”

Correct. We are. There is nothing wrong with seeking some of your desires to be filled and some of your spouses. The person we should desire the most to please is God. When we are loving our spouse, we should be asking if we are loving in a way that is pleasing the heart of God. If we are pleasing God, we will benefit our spouse. We can be thinking we are loving our spouse, but if we are not pleasing God, then we are not really loving our spouse as we ought.

For those who are single, live in such a way to please God as well and count on Him for your happiness. If you want to marry, that’s just fine. Go ahead and seek a spouse. Just don’t make your spouse an idol. If you don’t want to marry, then be aware of what that comes with, such as a life without sexual intercourse. You can still lead a rich and fulfilling life. You will have to ask if that is a worthwhile sacrifice. Christianity only teaches two options. You either have no sex, or you get married and have sex with only that person.

Perhaps when we realize that everything is about the joy of God instead of our joy, we can recover the hope of the world and restore marriage for a watching world. Our view of everything should be different because we are Christians and yet it seems for marriage, our thinking is usually the same as the world’s. Christ has changed everything. He changed the view of the first century peoples on sex and marriage. Let us not forsake that new view to return to the old.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Marriage and Moving

So now that we have the big move done, what’s been learned since then? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

I’ve been told that it’s awfully popular whenever I write about marriage and now that we’re moved into a new house, there have come some changes in how we approach matters so let’s talk about it.

To begin with, we’re living next to my folks, seeing as it is my grandmother’s old house after all. We immediately decided that we would establish some boundaries. Naturally, my folks have some authority around our household, but they also know that the final decision comes down to myself. If I think they are incorrect with something that they are saying about my wife, I will say so. It may not be immediately. I might have to think about their perspective for awhile before I finally decide.

Finances are still tough for us. I’m still looking for another job and looking to raise up funds through Ratio Christi, but being as I’m very much Aspie, that aspect of speaking is difficult. Talking to someone about the evidence that Jesus rose from the dead and that God exists? Sure. Any time. Talking to someone about fundraising? Hard as can be.

We do have a whole lot more room now which means more places to walk around. My wife is turning our attic into her art studio, which is just fine with me since the stairs to the attic have always frightened me anyway and she’d be more comfortable up there. Meanwhile, since the house has two bedrooms and we only need one, the other one is for the time being my office, so as I write this, I am writing it in my office.

The office is quite nice to have. My wife hasn’t really liked the idea of being surrounded by books, but in our old apartment, I had to keep them all in the bedroom and she was surrounded. Now, my books have their own place, although she is still hopeful that someday I’ll get a Kindle. I wouldn’t mind it either, but I’ve heard the Nook allows for library check-outs, which might be better for me.

While we thought there’d be something awkward about living in my grandmother’s old house, so far there hasn’t been. Every now and then I do have a memory of things in this house with her, but by and large, we’ve established it as our house and I do know the history more of this house now and that several members of my family have lived here. My wife and I are just the latest in a long line of people in the family to take up residence and we hope we honor those who came before us and whoever will follow after us.

Sleeping is still difficult at times. Is it because we’re in my grandmother’s old house? No. It’s actually a quite different reason. For some reason, we don’t have a door to the bedroom and so every morning, our cat decides to let us know that he wants breakfast and comes in, usually around 6:30 whining for us to feed him. For me, once I get up around then, I can’t go back to sleep, but I’ve managed to adjust. I usually spend some time on the PSP or DS last thing before bed which actually helps calm me down. Or else it’s just that due to my being an Aspie, I like the familiarity and that’s what it takes for me.

My wife also has her dream kitchen here, which is a 50’s style diner. There’s several Coca-Cola products. I’m especially thankful in it for the new stove some generous friends of the family got us. Our stove automatically will heat to the temperature for us, tell us when it’s ready, and then has it’s own timer. I’m quite sure it’d shut itself off as well. Believe it or not for some of you, I can do some of the cooking around the house.

We also now live in the country. My wife hopes to be gardening more towards the summer. We can also go walking easily and there are no fast-food restaurants and such around so we more have to make sure that what we have lasts. The library, post office, and a place to get hair cut are all within walking distance.

I happen to love walking. I carry a walking stick with me every time not only for that awesome adventuring feel, but just for safety, especially since some people who live in our street own dogs and if I ever met a really vicious one, I want to be ready. I also walk reading a book at the same time and can get in several pages on a brief walk.

So living in a house really changes our approach. It has also come with lessons on marriage. Having my parents around means that we regularly interact with another married couple. My aunt and uncle live next door as well, and they even used to live in this house, and they are much older in age and so we hope to do our part to help take care of them. They have been married longer than my own folks have been around.

Looking for churches has been difficult. We want to find a church that is more contemporary in style, but I also do like to hear the old hymns some. We also want to make sure that this is a church that realizes the importance of the apologetics ministry and sadly, many don’t. I am regularly disappointed by the churches and realize how far we have to go in working on them.

There is also the division of duties. My wife loves the kitchen so that’s mainly her responsibility. Still, I try to do my part. When we make up the bed, that is a task for both of us to do together. I maintain my own office and as for the cat, I handle his litter box. Also, like all men out there, I have the tasks of taking out the trash and handling those vicious intruders that sometimes come in known as “bugs.”

In all the change, we are still husband and wife and that means learning to love the right way. How is it that a man is loved by Christ? He is to love his wife the same way. In our society, too many people often think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and thus don’t take care of their own marriage.

Little tip guys, and also for you women who are abandoning marriage. If the grass is not green for some reason, have you ever considered that maybe you need to be a better gardener? In fact, this is what Ephesians tells us to do. We are to present our brides before Christ and maybe we’re not taking that position as seriously as we ought sometimes. The wife and I often talk about how we can improve things since we can regularly hear the statistics even in churches. I think part of the problem is we don’t have the foundation of marriage. We just have the ethics but not a basis and the ethics are floating in the air.

The basis for the faithfulness is the covenant system in the NT. For those who hold to eternal security, this should have any more weight seeing as you believe Christ is faithful even when you are not. Whenever one has a disagreement with the spouse, it is wise to look at yourself and say “How am I treating Christ?” It can be quite amazing to find out you’re not much better.

We also learn that we need to have some of our own time. There are times I just want to be in my office working on my material alone. There are times that she wants to be on her laptop. There are times I go walking and it’s just me and I’m find with that. We do have special together times such as visiting my family or watching something on the TV. I’ve been surprised to find out that she quite likes the Waltons, a series I’d never seen before.

For together times, for many of my friends, something needs to be said about how sex fits into all of this. For the men, it’s not a secret that we usually have strong libidos. Consider the joke that has been made about the Muslim version of Heaven. When a man gets there and finds 70 women waiting on him, that’s heaven. If a woman got there and saw 70 men wanting her, that’d be hell.

I do have a distress I often see amongst young men who are not married and are asking me now “What’s the big deal about waiting till marriage?” Sometimes, these are Christian men and it’s very sad that I have to ask now when counseling some men who are interested in women “Are you planning on waiting until marriage?”

Most couples don’t realize the explosive force that they’re unlocking when it happens and it is something that will forever change your relationship. You will never look at each other the same way again and you will forever have to watch the way that you look at the opposite sex.

Christians. Be on guard with how you handle this area prior. Watch the attitude you have towards the opposite sex. For we men for instance, we can constantly have that rolodex of women we knew before and we have to do what we can to banish that from our minds. My wife often thinks I’m being paranoid, but I make it a point to not look at other women because I don’t want my mind to wander. This is especially true when watching TV or a movie as my wife will often have to tell me when I can look again.

Now I have often said preachers preach too much on the negatives and not on the positives. Let’s get some positives. Enjoy this aspect of marriage very very much. I often look forward to my friends getting married so they can get to experience the great gift of marriage. It is a great gift and remember that God made it to be enjoyed.

We Christians can sometimes be so prudish at times on sexuality that we make it a difficult for a couple to switch positions once they’re married. Before marriage, we are rightfully told to avoid sex. After marriage, we are rightfully told to enjoy it. The problem is we’re not given a reason why to avoid and then not given a reason why to enjoy.

The reason you avoid is that you are not yet in a covenant and in a position of total trust. If you think you are in that position, then at least be willing to go get married immediately. If that seems like a big step to you, then you are definitely not in the position to be having sex. You are wanting the pleasures of covenant without the commitment of covenant.

Why enjoy it? Because you are in that covenant. There’s no reason not to. God made the system and He made it for you to enjoy it. Why is it enjoyable? It’s because God designed it that way. The union that is that of husband and wife is meant to be an image of the union between God and man one day. If the shadow is God’s incredible gift, we can’t help but wonder how awesome the reality will be.

But for those who are single, do not despise your virginity. Instead, enjoy it as a badge of honor that you are being faithful for your special person and one day, if you get married, the other person will be very grateful and you can truly say that you two have only ever known each other.

Once again, marriage is a gift and where we live now is also a gift. There is much more to learn I am sure, but I hope what I have said has been helpful to those out there.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Is Marriage Failing?

Has the institution of marriage let us down? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

Readers of the blog know that for all intents and purposes, I am still a Newlywed and this has been a major learning experience. I often look forward to my male friends who are single getting married themselves so they know the joy of it, but at the same time want to prepare them for realities. Marriage is awesome, but it is also something that requires work.

My wife and I are both diagnosed with Asperger’s. This makes our marriage even more interesting. Something we discovered early on was that while there are many ways we have to say “I love you,” some are unique to us. Her cooking me something is such a way and wanting to buy me something is a way. For me, I am all about knowledge and one way I have done so is by ordering books on marriage and reading about being a good husband.

I also listen to podcasts. One I’ve found quite enjoyable is Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen Evans. (Link below) I think the advice given is often quite good and my wife and I have started the pattern of listening to an episode together and then discussing it. We listened today to one on God’s indestructible plan for marriage. After that, we discussed what the subject was, how women need to feel loved and secure and how men need to feel respected and honored.

We then talked about ways we do this for each other and then talked about ways we don’t do this for the other and how we’d like to see change. We also set up a rule that we want it to be that when she does not feel loved by something I do, she can tell me without fear of criticism or defensiveness, and when I don’t feel respected by something she does, she can tell me without fear of criticism or defensiveness. It doesn’t mean that the person speaking is right, but they do have a right to speak. I really think this would be a great rule for many marriages to follow.

However, there was one point I disagreed with on the show and that was when Jimmy Evans said that the institution of marriage was failing as more and more people were unmarried than ever before and divorce was becoming more prevalent. Some of you could be wondering “With unwed mothers, homosexuality on the rise, and cohabitation without marriage rising, how could you say the institution of marriage is not failing?” Some of you I hope have caught the distinction, and it is one my wife caught immediately when someone gave her the same kind of statement.

The institution of marriage does not fail. People fail the institution of marriage.

You see, the system works great. It’s God’s idea. It’s just the people that are in the system are often problematic. Why is this? One reason that comes to my mind immediately is how self-centered each of us is. We are all constantly looking out for #1.

Sure. The husband is more than willing to help with taking out the trash, but there’d better be sex in it for him or else he’s going to be upset. Meanwhile, of course the wife is willing to have sex with her husband, but he’d sure better be sure to paint the kid’s bedroom!

This can sadly happen and in each case, each person is looking out for #1 and not seeing the joy in helping their spouse just for helping them. Okay men. You’ve spent all day cleaning up the house to surprise your Mrs. and then think “I bet she’ll want to show me how much she appreciates this!” Let’s suppose that wasn’t on your mind really when you started, but now it is and of course, it’s all you can think about it.

Question. If she does not give you a really good time tonight, are you going to feel hurt?

Let’s hope the answer is no. She is not under obligation after all. There is nothing that says that if you do X, she must have sex with you. Keep in mind however men, that women will say you are never more attractive to them than you are when you’re doing housework. (On a forum I belong to, there was a thread once called “Female porn” that consisted of pictures of men fully clothed doing housework.)

If she does, well you can certainly enjoy that! If she doesn’t, what do you enjoy? You enjoy that you got to show love to your wife and please her. Perhaps if she is not interested, she has her own reasons and it might just be that it does not mean anything whatsoever about her lack of desire for you. Instead, just let it be. It’s not much of a gift of grace to her if you give of yourself only so you can get something in return. Keep in mind we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, which means sacrifice.

Now as to the women, so you spend all the time prettying yourself up waiting for your husband to get home from work. You’ve had a nice and long shower, put on his favorite perfume and the nicest make-up, fixed his favorite dinner, and you have those rose petals on the bed while you’re wearing a very revealing outfit all for him and have that romantic evening all planned with some nice romantic music. When he comes home, he is pleased and the night goes exactly as you wanted.

And now you go to sleep that night and think “I’ve shown my husband a great time. I hope he’ll paint the kid’s bedroom tomorrow.”

What if he doesn’t? What if the guy is still a bonehead who has not caught on as to how much this means to you? Do you get angry? “I did all this for him and he doesn’t do this for me?!” (oh how tempting it can be for us!) Or, do you delight that you showed your husband love? Note however I think this wife is on the right track. Women. You find men doing the housework attractive, but it is certain that if you nag your husbands, they will find that unattractive and will NOT want to meet your request. In fact, the way to get your husband to have more interest in your desires is to have more interest in his. One of the best things you can do in this case is to seduce your husband.

Marriage is the best way to draw you out of yourself and start you focusing on another. As you live with the other person, you have to learn how to change. You can no longer think about just what you want. Perhaps I want to spend some time in study and my wife wants to watch a movie. Am I willing sometimes to forgo that for the joy of my family, or will my wife always be second to academia? (For those concerned, we do often watch movies together at home).

Perhaps the Mrs. has been busy preparing herself to head out the door, but her husband sees her getting ready and suddenly has other things on his mind. Okay. Maybe you are too busy at this point, but does that mean you have to give a flat no? How about something like “I’d really love to right now, but I have to get to work, but I will be thinking about you all day today and if you have things ready when I get home, I will also be ready.” Be assured of this women. You will be on his mind ALL DAY!

No. You can’t do everything every time, but what would happen if in marriage each person put the needs and desires of the other above themselves? Why most of each person’s needs and desires would be met. What do we do when we seek to look out for #1? We seek to meet our needs and desires. A major difference with the first way is that in this case, we not only get them met, but we also grow in holiness and character as we reach beyond ourselves into the other.

Someone I worked with once asked me what the best way to learn forgiveness was. I answered to get married. In marriage, you spend a lot of time being forgiven and giving forgiveness because all your faults are displayed there for the other person to see and there’s nowhere to hide.

For we men, we have to learn to love with grace. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, a tall order that should fill us with terror when we see how badly we are failing obviously. The women are to love as the church loves Christ. Some women might be saying “Well that’s a relief because the church doesn’t do that one well!” It would be a mistake to think that way. The church is the body of Christ and the church is to love Christ as if they were loving themselves. How many of us are good at doing that with the other?

It’s not a surprise to me then that so many people try to take the easy way out to avoid this, but the easy way will seldom produce exemplary results. “Marriage is just a ritual” The problem is with the word ‘just’. The ceremony is certainly a ritual in a sense, but it is much more than that. The wedding day is a day that will change your life forever.

Ah. Such a risky manuever! Let us go without risks! We will try each other out first! We will see how we do and if we think we are doing well, well then we might consider marriage.

Do you like being tested? Now some of us are rare exceptions in that when test time came at school for me, I was thrilled. I thoroughly enjoyed a good test. That is because I knew the subject and could pass it and thus, that meant that I had an easy class.

What if the test was never-ending? What if the test was every day? What if you were tested on every comment, every action, and every fiber of you being? Would that be a good test? What if it was not your knowledge that was being tested, but rather you that were being tested?

What if this test determined whether this person would love or respect you and your entire future happiness could depend on this?

Are you able to be free? No. You must walk on pins and needles. Your time in the bedroom cannot be as passionate if you know that you must please this other person. You cannot seriously think about having children if you know that this other person might not be around to help raise them. How can you plan to buy that house if you could be left with a mortgage when the other person abandons you?

For a married couple, they are to stay together no matter what. Whatever happens, one makes the best of it and loves and/or respects anyway. For the couple that is living together, it is but a sham.

“Okay,” I have heard several single guys ask me. “What’s the big deal? If I’m in love with this woman, I want to have sex with her. Why should I wait?”

You know what. That’s a good question. Why should you wait? Another good one is “Why shouldn’t you?”

For single men who are willing to take this risk, you are playing a very very dangerous game. I was relieved when one friend I have who started dating already told me they were making sure that if their relationship went well, there would be no sex until marriage and that that goes without saying.

For too many guys, even Christian guys I know, it sadly does not go without saying.

The dangerous game is that this is something dynamite that will forever change the fabric of your relationship. In ancient times, most marriages were arranged at birth. Today, many still are. How did that work? The two people who never knew each other come together after the wedding for the first time. This was usually where something like a bloodied sheet would be shown so all could celebrate the marriage being consummated.

That act was what it took to begin forming the bond. Were it not that the future of the human race is built upon having children and that sex is something designed to be very pleasurable, I suspect most men would never get married. However, it is that drive for the female that makes us want to be with her and the act of sex increases that desire all the more. Don’t think it can happen and the fabric of your relationship not change. It most certainly will.

Marriage creates the perfect bond for that. This is why Paul even told men and women to only abstain if they agreed beforehand and to come quickly together lest the devil use their lack of self-control. Obvious reason even for Christian couples? Both will want more and it will quickly become something highly important in the marriage.

Marriage helps to stabilize this drive. The man knows he must work to please the woman and provide for her as she meets his need for respect. The woman knows that she must be gracious and loving so that her husband will be able to meet her need for love and security. Sexual intercourse will also be a great security for her as it will be a great affirmation of respect for him.

Why wait? Because you want to save that for the person you’ve committed your whole life to. “Well I already know she’s the one!” Okay. If you’re so sure, you should be willing to wait. Is she not worth waiting for? You can rest assured, there will be times in marriage when you have to wait. You might as well learn now.

Thus, if she is the one, wait and you will have her eventually. If she is not the one, then you can be sure you are saving yourself for the right one.

But it could just be our drive for our personal pleasure is greater than our drive for personal holiness.

And maybe that’s what the problem is at root. We are lovers of self rather than lovers of God. If you are in a marriage and you do not love your spouse, do not give me this nonsense then that you love God. Now sadly, if in the case of a situation like abuse, it could be you have to separate, but I’d also be praying for your spouse to be convicted and repent and return to holiness. Most of us are not in these situations and how can we be lovers of God and not lovers of our spouses? John told us we cannot say we love God if we do not love man who is in His image.

Let us then reach beyond ourselves and love God and love our spouses, for the glory of God, and show the world the institution of marriage is not failing.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Info on Marriage Today can be found here

Marriage and the Learning of Grace

Could it be that your marriage will actually help you to learn to have more grace? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

I wrote recently on Margaret Sanger and her view of sexuality after a friend shared with me a book that had been put out advancing the Eugenics view recently. In communicating with my friend late at night, I started discussing the topic of marriage and what a difference it makes.

If you ever want to learn about grace, one of the best lessons in experience that you can ever have is to get married.

When you live with someone else, like a college roommate, you can learn a lot about how you relate to other people and traits you need to work on. The difference with a college roommate is that you can by and large up and walk out if you need to and there is no lifelong commitment. Besides that, chances are that if you’re a Christian, that relationship with a roommate won’t involve sharing a bed and having sex.

Marriage is different. You marry someone for life as a start. There is no backing out once you seal the deal. Second, you marry someone of the opposite sex which means you need to learn to relate to someone who has a totally different way of thinking than you do. Third off, your relationship is far more intimate than any roommate relationship could be.

It is in this that grace is learned.

How so? In the dating period, we all put our best foot forward, but when we marry, we soon come to learn that there are a lot of negative traits that person has. Oh sure, we saw them some when we were dating, but now, they can be written large and they are before us constantly.

My wife can point it out to me when I am showing pride at times, for instance, and in the marriage relationship, I am far more aware of when I am being prideful than I was before. I find I have to constantly monitor myself even when she’s not around and ask “Am I participating in a thought pattern or activity that will make me be less the man that my wife needs and less of an example to her?”

Grace especially works when we find the other person’s faults however. It’s quite amazing that for most of us, our problems are small and simple and we can take care of them, but that other person! They have to get things right! We can put their mistakes under a magnifying glass and say that ours are not really such a big deal after all.

This can become a reality in prayer and makes me think of the passage in 1 Peter 3 about your prayers not being hindered. If my wife does something that I think is wrong, I can come to God and ask what am I supposed to do in this situation and how can my wife do whatever it is that was done?

Now I do not believe in God speaking to me, but I can often picture it as if He would say in response “And how is that different from all the times that you’ve done if not an identical a similar action to me? Are you saying that I should just overlook all you did to me and you don’t do the same for your wife?”

Ouch. That hits home. That makes grace a reality. Men. Here is the challenge to us. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. I really don’t understand it these days when women complain about how hard the Bible is on women when we are told as men that we have to follow a command like that for our women.

Let’s face it men. A lot of times, love is work. It really is. It’s easy to be loving when your wife is in a romantic mood and she wants you to be with her. It’s not so easy to be loving when you’re in the middle of a disagreement and you’ve got that zinger on the tip of your tongue and you know you sure as heck better not say that since that will leave some serious scars.

Now to get back to both of us, women can also complain about their husbands. Mrs. Peters has her own concerns about me that she shares sometimes. I know sometimes I get so caught up in my own world that I’m not giving her the attention that I should. That is something I need to work on. A lot of men do that also with such things as the TV remote.

In all these cases, we sit back and wonder what it will take to change our spouse. We can pray for that change to happen. Now in a sense, I don’t have a problem with this. I think we should pray for the good of our spouse and even give God our input. The message that needs to be conveyed at this point is that of Gary Thomas’s in Sacred Marriage. In that book, he tells us that a lot of spouses say that a partner needs to change in the marriage. They’re absolutely right! They just have the wrong one in mind!

You can only change your spouse indirectly, but there is one spouse you can change directly, and that is yourself. If I want Mrs. Peters to do something or to have a certain kind of attitude, I try to ask myself “Am I doing this or am I manifesting this attitude?”

And thus, marriage makes it so that I have to see my own failures highlighted before my eyes. I can look at myself constantly and say “Wow. That is the way that I really am! I need to work on that!” When I see those failures in myself, on what basis can I sit in judgment on my spouse? To do such is even to treat myself as a superior, when I try to make it a constant point to say that we are life partners and she and I are on the same level.

What am I to do in all of this? Seek to be more holy. My own pastor could tell you that on the day of my wedding, a Saturday, he took me to a little room in the church about ten minutes before I walked down the aisle and said “How can I pray for you today?” I told him my honest request straight from the heart. “I need to be holy.” I understand that he even commented on that in the sermon. (OF course, I wasn’t there. We were too busy heading out on our honeymoon.)

Dying to self takes on a whole new reality when you realize there is someone else in your life who depends on you. It’s not one-way of course. Anyone who knows us would say that I depend on Mrs. Peters as well. She is my encouragement and support when the rest of the world doesn’t make sense and the one who has done the most to increase my confidence. Anyone who has known us can tell the remarkable impact that this woman has had on my life for the good.

It means also not just your sanctification but the others. Do we men have relationships with our women that she could think that she’s married to Christ? Christ was not only holy himself, but He is making His bride holy and His work is to present us to the Father blameless and without blemish.

As Christ loved the church. Remember that men?

If you’re married now and not intimidated by that, you’re not taking it serious enough.

For we men, a definite way to do that is to watch our relationships with other women. I make it a point to try to avoid even looking. Now some might say that’s paranoid. Well I would rather be that way rather than even risk anything happening in my marriage, since it all begins with what goes on in the mind.

Every action done in love also inclines one further that way. The more you act in love, the easier it is to love. The more you go against your own selfish desires, the more you are disciplining yourself to think selflessly and the more you do that, the better and better you are at being a spouse and not only at being a spouse, but being a Christian.

When those wrongs happen however, you learn to forgive. You are to forgive as you have been forgiven. This forgiveness does make one learn all the more about grace. Not only do you learn to show it, but you learn all the more about the grace that has been shown to you by God.

It’s all work, but it’s also a blessing. Marriage is a great adventure, something I want my single friends who seek to get married one day to recognize, but it’s also a lesson in holiness. The best advice I can give to you is to do all you can to work on that now.

And really, shouldn’t you be doing that anyway?

In Christ,
Nick Peters