Category: Marriage

Is Marriage Failing?

Has the institution of marriage let us down? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

Readers of the blog know that for all intents and purposes, I am still a Newlywed and this has been a major learning experience. I often look forward to my male friends who are single getting married themselves so they know the joy of it, but at the same time want to prepare them for realities. Marriage is awesome, but it is also something that requires work.

My wife and I are both diagnosed with Asperger’s. This makes our marriage even more interesting. Something we discovered early on was that while there are many ways we have to say “I love you,” some are unique to us. Her cooking me something is such a way and wanting to buy me something is a way. For me, I am all about knowledge and one way I have done so is by ordering books on marriage and reading about being a good husband.

I also listen to podcasts. One I’ve found quite enjoyable is Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen Evans. (Link below) I think the advice given is often quite good and my wife and I have started the pattern of listening to an episode together and then discussing it. We listened today to one on God’s indestructible plan for marriage. After that, we discussed what the subject was, how women need to feel loved and secure and how men need to feel respected and honored.

We then talked about ways we do this for each other and then talked about ways we don’t do this for the other and how we’d like to see change. We also set up a rule that we want it to be that when she does not feel loved by something I do, she can tell me without fear of criticism or defensiveness, and when I don’t feel respected by something she does, she can tell me without fear of criticism or defensiveness. It doesn’t mean that the person speaking is right, but they do have a right to speak. I really think this would be a great rule for many marriages to follow.

However, there was one point I disagreed with on the show and that was when Jimmy Evans said that the institution of marriage was failing as more and more people were unmarried than ever before and divorce was becoming more prevalent. Some of you could be wondering “With unwed mothers, homosexuality on the rise, and cohabitation without marriage rising, how could you say the institution of marriage is not failing?” Some of you I hope have caught the distinction, and it is one my wife caught immediately when someone gave her the same kind of statement.

The institution of marriage does not fail. People fail the institution of marriage.

You see, the system works great. It’s God’s idea. It’s just the people that are in the system are often problematic. Why is this? One reason that comes to my mind immediately is how self-centered each of us is. We are all constantly looking out for #1.

Sure. The husband is more than willing to help with taking out the trash, but there’d better be sex in it for him or else he’s going to be upset. Meanwhile, of course the wife is willing to have sex with her husband, but he’d sure better be sure to paint the kid’s bedroom!

This can sadly happen and in each case, each person is looking out for #1 and not seeing the joy in helping their spouse just for helping them. Okay men. You’ve spent all day cleaning up the house to surprise your Mrs. and then think “I bet she’ll want to show me how much she appreciates this!” Let’s suppose that wasn’t on your mind really when you started, but now it is and of course, it’s all you can think about it.

Question. If she does not give you a really good time tonight, are you going to feel hurt?

Let’s hope the answer is no. She is not under obligation after all. There is nothing that says that if you do X, she must have sex with you. Keep in mind however men, that women will say you are never more attractive to them than you are when you’re doing housework. (On a forum I belong to, there was a thread once called “Female porn” that consisted of pictures of men fully clothed doing housework.)

If she does, well you can certainly enjoy that! If she doesn’t, what do you enjoy? You enjoy that you got to show love to your wife and please her. Perhaps if she is not interested, she has her own reasons and it might just be that it does not mean anything whatsoever about her lack of desire for you. Instead, just let it be. It’s not much of a gift of grace to her if you give of yourself only so you can get something in return. Keep in mind we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, which means sacrifice.

Now as to the women, so you spend all the time prettying yourself up waiting for your husband to get home from work. You’ve had a nice and long shower, put on his favorite perfume and the nicest make-up, fixed his favorite dinner, and you have those rose petals on the bed while you’re wearing a very revealing outfit all for him and have that romantic evening all planned with some nice romantic music. When he comes home, he is pleased and the night goes exactly as you wanted.

And now you go to sleep that night and think “I’ve shown my husband a great time. I hope he’ll paint the kid’s bedroom tomorrow.”

What if he doesn’t? What if the guy is still a bonehead who has not caught on as to how much this means to you? Do you get angry? “I did all this for him and he doesn’t do this for me?!” (oh how tempting it can be for us!) Or, do you delight that you showed your husband love? Note however I think this wife is on the right track. Women. You find men doing the housework attractive, but it is certain that if you nag your husbands, they will find that unattractive and will NOT want to meet your request. In fact, the way to get your husband to have more interest in your desires is to have more interest in his. One of the best things you can do in this case is to seduce your husband.

Marriage is the best way to draw you out of yourself and start you focusing on another. As you live with the other person, you have to learn how to change. You can no longer think about just what you want. Perhaps I want to spend some time in study and my wife wants to watch a movie. Am I willing sometimes to forgo that for the joy of my family, or will my wife always be second to academia? (For those concerned, we do often watch movies together at home).

Perhaps the Mrs. has been busy preparing herself to head out the door, but her husband sees her getting ready and suddenly has other things on his mind. Okay. Maybe you are too busy at this point, but does that mean you have to give a flat no? How about something like “I’d really love to right now, but I have to get to work, but I will be thinking about you all day today and if you have things ready when I get home, I will also be ready.” Be assured of this women. You will be on his mind ALL DAY!

No. You can’t do everything every time, but what would happen if in marriage each person put the needs and desires of the other above themselves? Why most of each person’s needs and desires would be met. What do we do when we seek to look out for #1? We seek to meet our needs and desires. A major difference with the first way is that in this case, we not only get them met, but we also grow in holiness and character as we reach beyond ourselves into the other.

Someone I worked with once asked me what the best way to learn forgiveness was. I answered to get married. In marriage, you spend a lot of time being forgiven and giving forgiveness because all your faults are displayed there for the other person to see and there’s nowhere to hide.

For we men, we have to learn to love with grace. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, a tall order that should fill us with terror when we see how badly we are failing obviously. The women are to love as the church loves Christ. Some women might be saying “Well that’s a relief because the church doesn’t do that one well!” It would be a mistake to think that way. The church is the body of Christ and the church is to love Christ as if they were loving themselves. How many of us are good at doing that with the other?

It’s not a surprise to me then that so many people try to take the easy way out to avoid this, but the easy way will seldom produce exemplary results. “Marriage is just a ritual” The problem is with the word ‘just’. The ceremony is certainly a ritual in a sense, but it is much more than that. The wedding day is a day that will change your life forever.

Ah. Such a risky manuever! Let us go without risks! We will try each other out first! We will see how we do and if we think we are doing well, well then we might consider marriage.

Do you like being tested? Now some of us are rare exceptions in that when test time came at school for me, I was thrilled. I thoroughly enjoyed a good test. That is because I knew the subject and could pass it and thus, that meant that I had an easy class.

What if the test was never-ending? What if the test was every day? What if you were tested on every comment, every action, and every fiber of you being? Would that be a good test? What if it was not your knowledge that was being tested, but rather you that were being tested?

What if this test determined whether this person would love or respect you and your entire future happiness could depend on this?

Are you able to be free? No. You must walk on pins and needles. Your time in the bedroom cannot be as passionate if you know that you must please this other person. You cannot seriously think about having children if you know that this other person might not be around to help raise them. How can you plan to buy that house if you could be left with a mortgage when the other person abandons you?

For a married couple, they are to stay together no matter what. Whatever happens, one makes the best of it and loves and/or respects anyway. For the couple that is living together, it is but a sham.

“Okay,” I have heard several single guys ask me. “What’s the big deal? If I’m in love with this woman, I want to have sex with her. Why should I wait?”

You know what. That’s a good question. Why should you wait? Another good one is “Why shouldn’t you?”

For single men who are willing to take this risk, you are playing a very very dangerous game. I was relieved when one friend I have who started dating already told me they were making sure that if their relationship went well, there would be no sex until marriage and that that goes without saying.

For too many guys, even Christian guys I know, it sadly does not go without saying.

The dangerous game is that this is something dynamite that will forever change the fabric of your relationship. In ancient times, most marriages were arranged at birth. Today, many still are. How did that work? The two people who never knew each other come together after the wedding for the first time. This was usually where something like a bloodied sheet would be shown so all could celebrate the marriage being consummated.

That act was what it took to begin forming the bond. Were it not that the future of the human race is built upon having children and that sex is something designed to be very pleasurable, I suspect most men would never get married. However, it is that drive for the female that makes us want to be with her and the act of sex increases that desire all the more. Don’t think it can happen and the fabric of your relationship not change. It most certainly will.

Marriage creates the perfect bond for that. This is why Paul even told men and women to only abstain if they agreed beforehand and to come quickly together lest the devil use their lack of self-control. Obvious reason even for Christian couples? Both will want more and it will quickly become something highly important in the marriage.

Marriage helps to stabilize this drive. The man knows he must work to please the woman and provide for her as she meets his need for respect. The woman knows that she must be gracious and loving so that her husband will be able to meet her need for love and security. Sexual intercourse will also be a great security for her as it will be a great affirmation of respect for him.

Why wait? Because you want to save that for the person you’ve committed your whole life to. “Well I already know she’s the one!” Okay. If you’re so sure, you should be willing to wait. Is she not worth waiting for? You can rest assured, there will be times in marriage when you have to wait. You might as well learn now.

Thus, if she is the one, wait and you will have her eventually. If she is not the one, then you can be sure you are saving yourself for the right one.

But it could just be our drive for our personal pleasure is greater than our drive for personal holiness.

And maybe that’s what the problem is at root. We are lovers of self rather than lovers of God. If you are in a marriage and you do not love your spouse, do not give me this nonsense then that you love God. Now sadly, if in the case of a situation like abuse, it could be you have to separate, but I’d also be praying for your spouse to be convicted and repent and return to holiness. Most of us are not in these situations and how can we be lovers of God and not lovers of our spouses? John told us we cannot say we love God if we do not love man who is in His image.

Let us then reach beyond ourselves and love God and love our spouses, for the glory of God, and show the world the institution of marriage is not failing.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Info on Marriage Today can be found here

Marriage and the Learning of Grace

Could it be that your marriage will actually help you to learn to have more grace? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

I wrote recently on Margaret Sanger and her view of sexuality after a friend shared with me a book that had been put out advancing the Eugenics view recently. In communicating with my friend late at night, I started discussing the topic of marriage and what a difference it makes.

If you ever want to learn about grace, one of the best lessons in experience that you can ever have is to get married.

When you live with someone else, like a college roommate, you can learn a lot about how you relate to other people and traits you need to work on. The difference with a college roommate is that you can by and large up and walk out if you need to and there is no lifelong commitment. Besides that, chances are that if you’re a Christian, that relationship with a roommate won’t involve sharing a bed and having sex.

Marriage is different. You marry someone for life as a start. There is no backing out once you seal the deal. Second, you marry someone of the opposite sex which means you need to learn to relate to someone who has a totally different way of thinking than you do. Third off, your relationship is far more intimate than any roommate relationship could be.

It is in this that grace is learned.

How so? In the dating period, we all put our best foot forward, but when we marry, we soon come to learn that there are a lot of negative traits that person has. Oh sure, we saw them some when we were dating, but now, they can be written large and they are before us constantly.

My wife can point it out to me when I am showing pride at times, for instance, and in the marriage relationship, I am far more aware of when I am being prideful than I was before. I find I have to constantly monitor myself even when she’s not around and ask “Am I participating in a thought pattern or activity that will make me be less the man that my wife needs and less of an example to her?”

Grace especially works when we find the other person’s faults however. It’s quite amazing that for most of us, our problems are small and simple and we can take care of them, but that other person! They have to get things right! We can put their mistakes under a magnifying glass and say that ours are not really such a big deal after all.

This can become a reality in prayer and makes me think of the passage in 1 Peter 3 about your prayers not being hindered. If my wife does something that I think is wrong, I can come to God and ask what am I supposed to do in this situation and how can my wife do whatever it is that was done?

Now I do not believe in God speaking to me, but I can often picture it as if He would say in response “And how is that different from all the times that you’ve done if not an identical a similar action to me? Are you saying that I should just overlook all you did to me and you don’t do the same for your wife?”

Ouch. That hits home. That makes grace a reality. Men. Here is the challenge to us. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. I really don’t understand it these days when women complain about how hard the Bible is on women when we are told as men that we have to follow a command like that for our women.

Let’s face it men. A lot of times, love is work. It really is. It’s easy to be loving when your wife is in a romantic mood and she wants you to be with her. It’s not so easy to be loving when you’re in the middle of a disagreement and you’ve got that zinger on the tip of your tongue and you know you sure as heck better not say that since that will leave some serious scars.

Now to get back to both of us, women can also complain about their husbands. Mrs. Peters has her own concerns about me that she shares sometimes. I know sometimes I get so caught up in my own world that I’m not giving her the attention that I should. That is something I need to work on. A lot of men do that also with such things as the TV remote.

In all these cases, we sit back and wonder what it will take to change our spouse. We can pray for that change to happen. Now in a sense, I don’t have a problem with this. I think we should pray for the good of our spouse and even give God our input. The message that needs to be conveyed at this point is that of Gary Thomas’s in Sacred Marriage. In that book, he tells us that a lot of spouses say that a partner needs to change in the marriage. They’re absolutely right! They just have the wrong one in mind!

You can only change your spouse indirectly, but there is one spouse you can change directly, and that is yourself. If I want Mrs. Peters to do something or to have a certain kind of attitude, I try to ask myself “Am I doing this or am I manifesting this attitude?”

And thus, marriage makes it so that I have to see my own failures highlighted before my eyes. I can look at myself constantly and say “Wow. That is the way that I really am! I need to work on that!” When I see those failures in myself, on what basis can I sit in judgment on my spouse? To do such is even to treat myself as a superior, when I try to make it a constant point to say that we are life partners and she and I are on the same level.

What am I to do in all of this? Seek to be more holy. My own pastor could tell you that on the day of my wedding, a Saturday, he took me to a little room in the church about ten minutes before I walked down the aisle and said “How can I pray for you today?” I told him my honest request straight from the heart. “I need to be holy.” I understand that he even commented on that in the sermon. (OF course, I wasn’t there. We were too busy heading out on our honeymoon.)

Dying to self takes on a whole new reality when you realize there is someone else in your life who depends on you. It’s not one-way of course. Anyone who knows us would say that I depend on Mrs. Peters as well. She is my encouragement and support when the rest of the world doesn’t make sense and the one who has done the most to increase my confidence. Anyone who has known us can tell the remarkable impact that this woman has had on my life for the good.

It means also not just your sanctification but the others. Do we men have relationships with our women that she could think that she’s married to Christ? Christ was not only holy himself, but He is making His bride holy and His work is to present us to the Father blameless and without blemish.

As Christ loved the church. Remember that men?

If you’re married now and not intimidated by that, you’re not taking it serious enough.

For we men, a definite way to do that is to watch our relationships with other women. I make it a point to try to avoid even looking. Now some might say that’s paranoid. Well I would rather be that way rather than even risk anything happening in my marriage, since it all begins with what goes on in the mind.

Every action done in love also inclines one further that way. The more you act in love, the easier it is to love. The more you go against your own selfish desires, the more you are disciplining yourself to think selflessly and the more you do that, the better and better you are at being a spouse and not only at being a spouse, but being a Christian.

When those wrongs happen however, you learn to forgive. You are to forgive as you have been forgiven. This forgiveness does make one learn all the more about grace. Not only do you learn to show it, but you learn all the more about the grace that has been shown to you by God.

It’s all work, but it’s also a blessing. Marriage is a great adventure, something I want my single friends who seek to get married one day to recognize, but it’s also a lesson in holiness. The best advice I can give to you is to do all you can to work on that now.

And really, shouldn’t you be doing that anyway?

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Sex, Sanger, and Animism

What has Margaret Sanger to do with Animism? Let’s find out as we plunge into Deeper Waters.

My best man recently told me about a find he made on the STR blog concerning a book by Francis Galton recently released, though apparently in bits and pieces, that involves a dream Eugenics society. For many, that society would be a nightmare, but what my best man was most interested in was that despite the technology, the society happened to be animistic. This sounds like a primitive belief to many, so why would it be in such a great society?

Naturally, that gave me something to ponder, which indeed I did. I do have the fortune, or one might say misfortune, of having read Margaret Sanger’s “The Pivot of Civilization.” Sanger was the one who founded the organization today known as “Planned Parenthood” although it was originally known as “The American Birth Control League.” Indeed, that name is still in the back of my copy of the book.

Sanger was an atheist through and through, but the point we can forget is like many atheists, she was extremely religious. You might think that does not fit well, but indeed it does! Man is by nature a worshiping being and I find that sadly many atheists take the question of God even more seriously than many Christians do. At least many atheists live as if there are ramifications of the question. Many Christians seem to live as if Jesus saved them from their sins and can provide comfort, but apart from that, God doesn’t really play that big a part in the world today.

For Sanger, her religion was sex, much like the ancients of the past who used fertility rites to appease the gods. To be sure, the ancients were onto something. Let us not dismiss the pagans because they were pagans. We dare not say that the pagans loved sex too much. The problem was for them that they loved God and their fellow men too little.

The ancients believed that by using sex, they were tapping into contact with the gods. To go and have sex with the prostitute in the temple was to have sex with the goddess. In many myths, sex was a creative power whereby the gods came into being, and why should this surprise us since sex is the act whereby we repeat creation as it were bringing new life into existence.

There can be no doubt that our American society has a strong fixation on sex today, and again, why should it not? In fact, I would not say this is common to just Americans. There was a reason celibacy was practiced for years and still is today by several who are Christians, particularly in the Catholic faith. Somehow, the vow to avoid sexual intercourse for one’s life was seen as a sacrifice, and why should it be seen as a sacrifice unless it was a great good to be sacrificed? One would not think it a noble sacrifice necessarily to give up playing cards or going fishing or something of that sort, unless one was of course a gambler or a fisherman.

The problem in our society is not the proliferation of sex per se. It is really the ignorance of sex. Everyone knows the basics of sex who has come of age. We know what goes where and we know that this practice can produce babies and we know that it can spread STDs and that it is supposed to be for two people who love each other very much. (Of course, in our society who those two people can be is questioned) If we think sex education is the answer, when it comes to these questions, there is not much more to be said.

Perhaps what we need is the what of sexuality. What is sex? Could it be that the ancients were right in what they said? Could it be that Sanger was right in what she said?

Sanger had a connection with the ancients?

Why yes she did! All one needs to do is read chapter 10 of the Pivot in order to see this. For instance, consider this:

In the solution of the problem of sex, we should bear in mind what the successful method of humanity has been in its conquest, or rather its control of the great physical and chemical forces of the external world. Like all other energy, that of sex is indestructible. By adaptation, control and conscious direction, we may transmute and sublimate it.

Later she says in speaking of a book by Louis Berman she agrees with that:

Our spiritual and psychic difficulties cannot be solved until we have mastered the knowledge of the wellsprings of our being.

Yes. Those terms are being endorsed by an atheist. Sanger believed that we needed to harness the energy of sex to make man into what he fully needed to be. Make no mistake about it, Sanger took sex incredibly seriously. Make no mistake about this as well, she did not take it seriously enough.

Sanger saw sex as a way to build up man to man. We see it as a way of building up man to God, when does as He intended it to be, within the confines of marriage. Sex is to be celebrated as a gift of God. There is a reason the marriage relationship is compared to the relationship of God to Israel and Christ to the Church.

What if Sanger had seen sex in a theological light? She might have understood a lot more than she realized then. She had already cut that way out however. For her, there was nothing above. Therefore, when we look at a eugenics society based on her philosophy, there can be nothing above. There cannot be our monotheism or even the polytheism of the ancients. There can also not be pantheism as eugenics would imply some superiority whereas if pantheism is true, all is one so there can be no superiority.

Animism then I think makes sense, for if we are to bring out spiritual realities, there must be something spiritual, and if this cannot be located above, it must be located within our cosmos and bound by it. If there are to be gods and this cannot be a polytheism above, it must be a polytheism within, which would be more animistic.

And this could get us closer and closer to the ancient pagans as well. If we can allow for god concepts to come back in, we would reach polytheism. In fact, if we are fortunate, we will do this. After all, the pagan is essentially pre-Christian and is beyond the idea that only science has all the answers. He knows that there is a transcendent reality and is seeking to reach it.

Of course, this does not mean that the eugenics program is good, but if we are moved away from a scientism approach, let us not condone the evil that is done but see it as an opportunity to reach our fellow man. I would not be surprised if the bankruptcy of total secularism is nearing as it seems the new atheists could be showing.

Perhaps also then what we Christians need is exactly what Kreeft said we need in “The God Who Loves You.” We need a theology of sex. Christians need to be the ones showing the world that the world in fact does not have sexuality right and not only that, they are not enjoying it the way that they should. Instead of thinking that the popular culture has the answers on sex, the popular culture should be thinking we do. After all, we know the God who created sex. We should be the authorities.

I conclude then that the idea of this leading to animism makes sense, and what it will take is not knowledge of the mechanics of sex, but rather the God of sex.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Reflections on Cherokee

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. Before continuing our look at Inerrancy, I’d like to write on the weekend my wife and I had taking part in an apologetics conference in Cherokee, NC at Christ Fellowship Church.

This was put on through the work of our own church, Community Fellowship Church. There were many fine talks, including one by my best man at my wedding, an excellent talk on Mormonism and the Jehovah’s Witnesses. My wife and I quite enjoyed the company of Winfried Corduan and his wife. Some great friendships were established at this meeting. The conference ended with a panel with anyone asking questions and some turned out to be quite interesting.

Something I had to comment on on the panel was when a young boy who I found out later was 12 asked a question at the conference, and he had gone around taking notes and asking questions to many of the speakers. When he asked something, I took the mike afterwards and told the people that I found it simply extraordinary that a boy of this age was asking questions and seeking truth and implored the church to wrap themselves around this boy and teach him. I would rather have a dozen like him in the church than to have 1,200 that are just going through the motions in a church. Such a thirst for truth is to be commended.

Something that has been notable by its absence so far is the subject of my talk. I spoke on the apologetic of love, a topic chosen by my pastor based on my talk on 1 Corinthians 13 at the church. I had mine be simply a marriage seminar pointing out that the reason the homosexual community is going after marriage and that we have no-fault divorce is that the church cheapened marriage to begin with. We will raise our intellectual arms against the homosexual activists and state that marriage is a sacred covenant and they are not to misuse it for themselves, and then go home and treat our spouses like they don’t exist.

Being an aspie, it also meant that I could be transparent and make remarks that most people would not have the guts to make. That does not mean that I said anything explicit or inappropriate. The audience quite enjoyed the talk with much laughter throughout it at several pieces of humor that I would throw out. Not just intentional humor, but simply stating the truth, which Bill Cosby has shown is often funnier. (Try to think of a joke the comedian tells. He just tells the truth and the truth is funny.)

There were also several who came up and told me how much they appreciated what I had to say, and most notably to me, a lot of these were women. We had a lady in our college class at our church who told me she began writing a note to her boyfriend during the talk stating that she never took the time to appreciate all the good he did but simply criticized him on the bad. I quite look forward to finding the link to my talk when it becomes available and putting it up here for you all to listen to.

In fact, the area was so nice my Mrs. has already stated that she would love it if we could move up there sometime, and considering the way the town was we stayed at, we just might do that someday. It would also enable me to help that church up there more in their apologetic endeavors and form a good bridge between it and the church that I attend now.

For those who read this blog and wonder about supporting what is done here, please keep in mind that it is only through such support that we can speak at conferences like this. I had to take time off from work, which is days that I cannot get paid, as well as rely on the support of others. A kind lady from our church drove my wife and I there and back, some from the church helped buy us meals, and the church we spoke at covered our sleeping expenses.

I urge you then that if you think the lesson on Christian marriage and other topics in apologetics are worth speaking on, then please consider making a donation to Deeper Waters via the donate button on this blog. Also, our ministry partner is Tektonics.org and you can go to their donation page here and in your donation just state that it is for Deeper Waters. The advantage with going to Tektonics is that it is tax-deductible then.

Consider also subscribing to the blog and remember that we can be found on Facebook as well.

Finally, we definitely wish to thank the people of Christ Fellowship Church for allowing us to do this and our family at Community Fellowship Church who worked so hard to make this possible. We hope that our talk was something that will revitalize Christian marriages in the area and hopefully wherever else the message is spread and we get to speak.

We also thank you readers who do support us and read this blog regularly and we hope that many more of you will join in.

One Year Later: It’s Worth it

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. Tonight, I’m going to be wrapping up the series I’m on of looking at marriage one year later. I hope that it’s been illuminating to all readers despite their marital status. So, what final message will I end with?

Have fun.

Marriage is full of ups and downs. There are no perfect marriages. I do not believe Jesus was married, but if he had been, he would not have had a perfect marriage because he would have been married to an imperfect woman. If he could not have had a perfect one, don’t count on your having one either.

You have two people coming together with all their positives, yes, but also all their negatives. When you’re close to someone, it’s easy to get careless also and let some of those negatives show. In marriage, you get to see the person as they really are entirely. However, in seeing the other person, you can often see yourself as well. Can you control yourself enough to overcome your own faults and can you manage to not make the faults of the spouse everything?

However, you also get the fun and adventure, and that’s not just sex my male friends who might be thinking that since we tend to think about that the most. Marriage is an endless adventure as you’re connected to a person and every day you are constantly learning new things about that person.

These kinds of things are the things that could easily be taken for granted. That person has chosen to share their life with you and will always be a part of your life. Do not take them for granted. Do not act like their love is commonplace. I am constantly amazed when I hear the devotion that my wife has for me.

Do not lose sight of the simple pleasures. I find it amazing to realize I sleep in the same bed with a woman now and that I am at that phase of my life. It’s like being on a whole new plane. You really do change. To my male friends, I can assure you that marriage will change you and you will see the world through new eyes and you will find more and more your thinking changing, particularly with how you view the new woman in your life.

The relationship takes hard work. The more serious a relationship is, the harder it is. The greater also, however, the rewards are.

There was a night we had one time that I have not forgotten the main part of. We were getting set to turn out the lights and I was reaching down from the bed to get something and moving in a way I shouldn’t have and started to fall. My wife gets quite concerned since I have a steel rod on my spine. Before anything could happen, she had immediately wrapped her arms around me and said “I won’t let you fall.”

That’s the way it is. You don’t let one another fall. You fight alongside each other on all the battles. Through good times and bad, you are a unit together. You are a new family. It is a privilege that is to be enjoyed. Thus, make the most of it and have fun together. You have the rest of your lives.

One Year Later: Why Wait?

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. I’ve been writing lately on marriage and what has been learned after one year. The last time I wrote, I wrote about sex. I affirmed it as a very good gift of God to which I can picture someone asking “In our modern age, if it’s so good, why wait? What’s the big deal?”

This is a very real question and one that we need to be thinking more about. The temptations are there always even for those of us who are Christians. Being a Christian does not mean that you will never be tempted and if you think that, you are already prone to fall for temptation. When that temptation comes, you will need more than a few verses of Paul. You will in fact need the theology of Paul.

To begin with, sex is not just an action. It entails an action and the action is necessary of course, but it is much much more. In the sexual union, there is a connection with one’s spouse that cannot be expressed in any other way. It is using the deepest action possible to express the deepest commitment we can have between two people.

In fact, we in the Christian church should be pushing this more and more. It is amazing that those outside the church think of sex as “no big deal.” It’s something highly enjoyable, but it’s just something that you do. For us, it is not to be just something we do. It is supposed to be the highest love between humans expressed.

If you walk down the street and see someone you know, and they wave at you, you will take that action to mean something and smile or wave back. If, on the other hand, they extend to you the middle finger, you will be hurt and wonder what it is that you did to offend them. The bodily actions mean something.

So does the action of sex. If this action means something, it is important to find out what it does mean. Note that the marriage is portrayed as a parallel to God and Israel and to Christ and the church. In both cases, God is God and Christ is Christ and in both cases, God and Christ are in the male roles.

The men give their life to the women. They share their life with them and the woman is the one receiving. In the same way, the relationship between God and Israel and Christ and the church end in them implanting their own life into us. While that might seem crude to some readers, we must keep in mind as Christians that we believe that God designed sex. (Yes Christians. Keep that in mind if you have the desire to be prudish. God designed the system and he designed it to be enjoyed as well)

To not wait is to tell someone that you want them to give you all of them without having the protection of a covenant. Now some might say in response to this “Well would you drive a car without taking it for a test-drive?” Fair enough question. To the couple that wishes to ask this, I have but one question in reply.

“Which one of you is the driver and which one of you is the car?”

To do this action, is to put someone’s sexuality on a test and if they don’t measure up sexually, well they’re out. Who can really perform their best when they’re under that kind of pressure? Keep in mind also those of you who are unmarried, as there is an important truth to learn here about sex.

It gets better.

Your first time is not likely to be the best time ever, although no complaints really if it is, but as you and your lover grow used to one another more and more, things get better as you come to know the things that you like and the things that you don’t like. The two of you come to know one another better and how best to please one another.

If you judge the whole by the first time, it’s not really fair. You have yet to get started. (I highly recommend Kevin Leman’s book “Sheet Music” here) Take the time and if you wish, find some good material that will help you to improve your sex life. Keep in mind also that once you’re married, you can do what you want provided it does not shame or harm your spouse.

“Well if you do that, can’t you open you up to….a lot of stuff?”

“Yes.”

That’s one of the great blessings of it. No matter how it turns out, you both know that you will wake up next to each other not just the next morning, but every other morning afterwards. You are in a covenant and even if it’s not the best time every time, you can always laugh about it and enjoy it still. (And you will have some times that are better than others)

“Well the person I’m interested in has already agreed to marry me.”

Then you should be willing to wait since you know that you will have that person.

After all, you don’t really know what will happen. I knew someone once who the night before his wedding, he and his bride-to-be were hit by a drunk driver. She died and he was hospitalized. If he’s remarried or not now, I do not know, but I know that if he waited, which I believe he did, he would have no shame before his future wife and could say he saved himself for her.

There are several couples who think they will get married, have sex, and then break apart. It does change the dynamic of the relationship. Having a covenant however helps seal that. As soon as you have the covenant, you know that it will not change as you’re in this until death do you part.

Now waiting is not easy. I recommend that if you’re in a home setting, never have it be just the two of you in the home. Let it be that anyone could come and find you. My parents and in-laws did this for us but were also very respective so we could get some good romantic time that did not involve having sex before we got married.

As much as I recommend husbands and wives pray together, I don’t recommend that for engaged or dating couples if they are physically together. Prayer can be an extremely connecting time and that emotional connection can be followed by a strong desire for the full connection. Don’t risk it at this point. You’ll have plenty of time together.

If you are watching pornographic material right now, stop immediately. This will not help your self-control and in fact will leave ghosts behind that can affect your future marriage. Never mind that Scripture has just a few things to say about lust. Save your desires for your spouse and remember to focus on them. They don’t need to think they are competing against a fake person on a screen.

Do be reading good books on the topic, even before marriage. If you have to, talk to someone you know who you can trust. I found myself talking to men and women both about anything I could in seeking help before my marriage. When it comes to the specifics of sex however, I recommend men talk to men and women to women.

Look forward to what you have coming and be ready to enjoy it and I pray you and your spouse will be able to be in the same position my wife and I are in. We both waited until that night, and we have no regrets about waiting.

One Year Later: What Is Sex?

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. We’re going to be continuing our look at marriage one year later tonight talking about sex. After all, most disagreements in marriage center around parents, money, and sex. So what has been learned about sex after one year of marriage?

To begin with, this will not be a blog about physical techniques and moves and things of that sort. I have no problem with Christians studying that however as anything that can improve your sex life in marriage should be considered provided it is not immoral. This will also not be a peak into our bedroom. I will not state anything explicitly that my wife and I do together. I want this to be something that all married couples can learn from and all who are wanting to get married can think about.

If you go into marriage thinking sex will be like it is in the movies and on TV, you will find that it is not. It’s something quite different, but it is something really good still. An attitude that Christians need to get past is the one that thinks it is improper for Christians to enjoy sex. If anything, we should have the world coming to us wanting to know how to have better sex, rather than us going to the world.

The main joy of sex is the intimacy that you share with one person. It has been said that intimacy is better than sex, and I do agree. However, the best intimacy will lead to sex. The desire to be one with the person that you love is a strong one and building up that love will only make the sex better.

In sexuality, there is a complete openness between the husband and wife. For Adam and Eve, they were both naked and they felt no shame. Such is the case in a good marriage. Neither person needs to feel any shame in the bedroom. Unfortunately, due to some events in our lives, it can be easy to feel shame, but do not live with that shame in front of your spouse. Give them total openness.

My wife does love the way I look physically, but I know she would also agree that I am not a muscle man. In fact, I am underweight. However, I take great delight in knowing that she loves my body. Of course, she loves more than that, but that she loves that gives me great freedom when I am with her. Can I change my body to be even more attractive to her? Yes. However, my acceptance is not based on that change and I am working on that change as we speak.

Sex is an ultimate way of letting go. For the time being, there is no one else in the world. It is just you and your spouse and you are focusing the most on what can bring your spouse joy. Now in a sense, you do think about your own pleasures, but that is so your spouse can know what it is that you like and don’t like. When you get to sex however, let the rest of the world go away. For the time being, it is you and your spouse together sharing your love.

Make it a priority too. Many women can sadly make the mistake of thinking that they’ll give their husband sex when he starts doing some things around the house. The reality is that the husband is thinking “Well when she starts giving me sex, I will start doing things around the house.” If you are a woman reading this, I can practically guarantee to you that if you make this part a priority for your husband and make it a goal to seduce him, that he will start doing what you want as well. A happy man is a helpful man.

Will there be times you just can’t do sex for some reason? Of course. If so, then make sure you set aside a time definitely where you will and don’t back down on it. If you say to your husband “I can’t right now, but I am sure looking forward to it when you get home tonight,” you will not only affirm him, but you will give him something great to think about the whole day. (And keep this in mind women. He will be thinking about YOU the whole day)

And to my fellow men, make sure that your wife knows you value her for more than just sex. I personally think you should start helping around the house even if she isn’t giving sex. It is quite likely as well that once the wife sees that great devotion to her, she’ll be more eager to repay that devotion. As a female friend told me once, “Sex begins at breakfast.” Men cannot expect to not do anything all day, come home, watch TV, and then think that a little wink at night will immediately get their wives in the mood.

Your wife needs to be affirmed as a woman and not just sexually. She should not be seen as just the person you go to to get your kicks. What you two share together is not just to be a moment of awesome pleasure. It is also to be a moment that will solidify the bond of husband and wife.

In marriage then, sex is not just something you do because it’s fun, and by golly it is and should be! It is a powerful action. It conveys in it a passion that is far too powerful to be contained in mere words. I am not downplaying words, but I am not saying that the sexual act should be showing the passion that is so strong that words are just inadequate to express it.

Christians. Keep in mind that sex is God’s idea. He created it. He designed the system that drives it. He made it the pleasurable experience that it is. He also used it as a picture of the covenant He has with us. How often in the Bible is marriage used as an illustration of the love of God for His people? Do you really think then that sex is just something incidental to that?

If you do not think you have a strong desire for sex, pray for one and seek one out. There are numerous books that can help you with your sex life and would be fun for couples to go through together. I recommend “A Celebration of Sex” and “Intended for Pleasure.”

Keep in mind that this is God’s gift to you and your spouse. Enjoy it! Thank him for it! In fact, I followed the advice I’d seen before from someone and on our wedding night, I made sure to pray to ask God to bless our sex life together. Some of you are thinking “Well that seems odd.” Why? You pray before your meals and ask God to bless them? Why not ask Him to bless a most integral part of your marriage?

As I’ve said, this is a picture of God and His people, so really think about your sex life and what you can learn about God from it. (One can picture one spouse telling another that they want to study theology that night) In the midst of learning though, do not cease to enjoy. Let yourself go. There’s only one person you can do that with. Give yourself to them entirely body and soul. Let yourself be you around them and let them be them around you. It is in your total exposure to one another that you have the best intimacy and then, the best sex.

And let’s do this right people. It is a shame that we think the world has something we’re missing out on. If we believe Scripture, we should know that in married sex, the church has something that the world is missing out on.

Marriage One Year Later: In-laws

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. I’m back from my trip and here to talk about Christian Marriage. Seeing as I just got back from visiting my in-laws, I figured that tonight would be a good time to write about in-laws.

There is a great danger in marriages that parents can become authorities that are controlling in a marriage. Both spouses can be tempted to call their parents at times and have their parents be the authority. It must be remembered in a marriage that the parents are not the final authority, especially since both sets could disagree.

When a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and the two become one flesh, it does not mean abandoning all ties with parents. After all, in the biblical culture, it would have been common for the man and woman to still live in the same house as the parents. It does mean that a new family unit has been established however with its own authority.

This doesn’t mean that parents are useless. Parents can still provide good direction. They can still help out with issues seeing as many of them have been there before. However, they are not to be the ones that make the decision. That is to be to the husband and wife.

Husbands. Be sure also to be willing to stand up for your wife as well. Before we got married, my future mother-in-law told my future wife that she was sure that there would be a day come when I would stand up to my own mother in defense of my future bride. Indeed, that day did come.

Not only that, there have been times when I thought my own in-laws were in the wrong in a situation with my wife since marriage and I have stood up to them and let them know that. Sometimes, they have concerns that I do agree with. However, when I do not, I have made sure to stand up to them. Overall however, I am blessed to have very good in-laws who do delight in their son-in-law.

This is something important. If you’re a husband, your wife needs to know that you will stand up to anyone for her if you think you have to. While we could imagine a dashing knight standing up to a foul villain for the woman he loves, we sometimes forget that the hardest people to stand up to are not your enemies but your loved ones.

Ideally however, you should seek to have a good relationship with your new set of parents. I realize sometimes this can’t happen sadly. When it can however, do seek to please them provided they are not the first on your list to please. Your own parents have someone new that they can call their child now also. They too will have to get used to this new person as they do not know them as well as you do. (For my own self, my own in-laws would say I know their daughter better)

Overall, let your new in-laws be a blessing to you and make sure your own parents also know that your new spouse is the family priority in your life. They can still ask things of you, but they cannot ask you to put anything ahead of your marriage covenant. The spouse has to be #1.

We shall continue next time.

One Year Later: Different Interests

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. I’ve been busy the last two days and I will be out of town the next two so there will be no blogs. However, before heading out tomorrow, I plan to write tonight about appreciating one another’s interests.

My wife and I do have really different interests. I am a bookworm and she is not. I prefer the intellectual and she prefers the emotional. However, we also have several similar interests. I married a girl who would much rather go see a James Bond film than a chick flick. When we visited my parents last, my Dad and her and I all went to see Green Lantern together.

Also, we enjoy many of the same games. We can talk together about Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts. We have a Wii and one day, I decided to go through the original Super Mario Brothers on it and she wanted to do so with me. (Unfortunately, even though I chose the challenging route of no warp zones, she still never got a turn. Oh well.)

But the different interests are the ones that take work. Some of these you will find that you enjoy. My wife likes the Samurai Warriors games and now I have found that I like them as well. She also likes a lot of Anime. Now there have been series we’ve watched together that I haven’t cared for, but there have been some I’ve really enjoyed. I even used Death Note when I spoke at ISCA this year.

On her end, she has gone through the entire series of Smallville with me. (There are still some unbelievers out there who think that the series ended in May. It can’t end! It has to be a trick! It’s too good to end!) Anyway, when the finale played in May, we were watching it together along with another friend of mine. I’ve also introduced her to other games that she’d never really seen. (We have a ten year age difference so I get to show her much she didn’t know about)

She prefers art, and honestly, I haven’t understood it. So one night I just ask her “Honey. What do you see there because honestly, I’m not seeing it.” Some people might think such a question rude, but she knew I was asking sincerely wanting to know, so I took the time to listen to what my wife was seeing and soon came to realize I was missing much in the world of art.

This is what we have to do. I have no doubt that my wife will never have the same interest in my field that I do and I won’t have the interest in hers that she does, but we can support one another. I may not be an artist, but I want to support her learning to be a good artist. She, meanwhile, is not an apologist, but she seeks to support me in my apologetic ministry.

Take the time to understand what your spouse loves. That’s showing interest in them. If you really don’t have the same passion, admit it, but don’t discourage it. I may never want to pick up a pencil and draw like she does, but I sure want to encourage her in it. She may never want to argue like I do, but she knows when the chance shows up to deal with the atheist, to step back because I will enjoy myself and it is something that energizes me.

As long as it does not detract from holiness, should you not support your spouse in what encourages them? Their world is part of yours too. If you don’t enjoy it, at least respect it and help them in it.

We shall continue next time.

Marriage One Year Later: Grace and Hatchets

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. Tonight, I’m going to be continuing my look at marriage one year later by seeing how grace works in the marriage relationship.

We’ve all been told about burying the hatchet. In theory, everyone agrees it’s a good idea. In practice, we seem to have a hard time doing such. C.S. Lewis wrote about how in marriage it would seem many of us will be granted grace for all the times we could have said a “zinger” and refused to do so. Often the point of the zingers is not the betterment of our spouses, but our proving our own selves. There are some things better left unsaid.

There will be disagreements in the marriage. That’s a fact of life. The point to keep in mind here is what is going to be done when those disagreements are done? We can say that we will bury the hatchet, but most of us usually have a good idea where that hatchet is buried and wish to recall past disagreements so that we can use them in future battles.

To the Christian reader, a question. What would it be like if God did that to you?

Do you think you could handle if he kept pulling your past sins to account to you again and again, knowing that He was entirely right?

But that’s what you want to do to your spouse anyway?

The concept of forgiveness includes letting the past stay in the past. Natural consequences will play themselves out, but it should not be an offense totally held over someone’s head. Now you might have to avoid some things true, but you should not do so as an indictment of bad character but realizing your spouse has difficulty in an area and at that time you need to help them in that area in their growth of personal holiness.

There have been times when I’ve been driving with my wife out somewhere and then she’ll confess something she’s done that I won’t like. Usually, I don’t. I’ll ask her about it some and then get some clarification without getting angry or raising my voice. Then, when we get there, I just let her know firmly that I did not approve, and I love her and know she’s better. That usually follows with something like a hug.

What we need to remember is to love our spouses the way God loves us. When we go to the cross, all our sins are right there and God says that we are forgiven by trusting in Him. He will not bring the past to account against us anymore. Such a great love and grace is extended to us and why ought we not to show that same love and grace to the person we say is the most important person in our lives? Why not show such love to the one who we claim to love the most?

Bury the hatchet, and KEEP IT THERE!