Deeper Waters

I was talking to a friend last night who was talking about a friend of his who has apparently gone down the darker path with sexuality. He was one who used to be in church but is now a pretty much, sex addict. It is a tragic tale to hear and I write this mainly to the men to know that we all need to persevere.

One of the worst mistakes that you can make with temptation is to think that you are above it. I always wonder, for instance, when I apply for a job somewhere and they have a question asking “Have you ever been tempted to steal?” I always answer it honestly. I have. Who hasn’t been? I am a fallen human being and I know my own weaknesses. I think the person who denies they have ever been tempted is being totally dishonest.

Now when we turn this over to sexuality, I first think of what Peter Kreeft says. He doesn’t esteem the man who is never tempted with lust. He pities him. Why? Because all temptation is ultimately dealing with some concept of good. The murderer may think the world will be a better place in some way if his desires are carried out. That greater good may be only for the one person, but that is still the temptation. This will bring happiness in some way that is seen as good.

Which of us men is going to deny it? This is something good. Even those of us who have not had the experience of intercourse yet do not worry that this might be something we don’t like. We know that God created an experience that is good. That is the reason why we are tempted. We wouldn’t be tempted with a negative experience. I don’t walk through a hospital and see patients suffering from various conditions and think “Wow. I’d like to have that happen to me.”

Now I know women are tempted also and if they have a high sex drive, then this would apply to them as well. However, I am writing to the men as men and as the ones who are the leaders of society. It is we who will set the examples ultimately and be the ones that raise up the next generation.

I also write this because of the case of this one that my friend was talking about. It is quite easy for a sin such as this to take us away from God. Friends of mine know that I can be thinking of someone very particular, and I will be nice this time and not mention their name, but they are a noted apostate who made the turn away from the faith that began with having an affair. It has now led to atheism. My constant stance on that is that a man will either accept the justification of God or try to justify himself apart from God and my own friends know my saying in this situation is “Lady Macbeth. That spot’s not coming out.”

This is the power of addiction, though not just of sex. If one is given the choice of either God or the addiction, it is a sad reality that too many will choose the addiction. This is why we men need to be careful. I’ve made enough mistakes in the past to know better. Now I’m still very much virgin, but I do know I have made mistakes. Chances are, I’m not alone of course. However, what I do is my own responsibility, a lesson we all need to learn from sin. Ultimately, there is none to blame but ourselves for our own decisions.

Men. It is time we hold ourselves accountable. This is not a private matter. This is a public matter. If I come home from a date or my roommate comes home from one, I believe we each have all right to ask each other questions about the experience to make sure that we were living pure, and I certainly hope I will be held accountable.

Be careful men, lest you fall. Our future needs men after all and not boys who are controlled by their hormones.

I decided today to set down some things that I do when it comes to arguing about sexual morality. I know a lot of reasons given for teenagers and others to practice abstinence today seems to come down to STDs, unplanned pregnancy, guilt, and future regret. A lot of reasons against them also come from statistics showing negative results that can follow these actions.

Now I’m not against these insofar as they are true at this point. I do think though that these arguments should be secondary arguments. Why? I do believe that we can imagine a Brave New World easily where we’ve eliminated the problems of the first set that I mentioned. We could have no disease or pregnancy unwanted and we could have soma to eradicate negative feelings.

As for the second one, in such a society, we could probably avoid the dangerous statistics then as well. Furthermore, just because something doesn’t seem to produce the results we desire, I do not see how that necessarily means it’s immoral. It could be a good clue, but are we not putting the cart before the horse?

What method do I prefer? I prefer to argue about what sexuality really is. What is it’s intended purpose? What does it mean when we say that people are sexual? Why do I keep insisting that people have sex and are sexual long before they have sexual intercourse? At that level, because the words matter. Words shape ideas and this is a battle of ideas that we are in.

Of course, I am thankful for the statistics that so many other people find and I think that they are a part of a case, but not as the primary one. The danger is that if we did eliminate the secondary problems, could we say that sexual intercourse as anything  other than between a man and a woman is immoral? I’m not sure we could if our only grounds were in secondary issues.

This will also get us to asking the main issues. We believe that disease seems to spread when intercourse takes place outside of husband and wife. Why does the system work like that? We seem to have to have condoms in order for people to be protected during sexual intercourse? Why does the most loving act of all require protection from your lover? Pre-marital intercourse seems to lead to trouble in marriage later on. Why is that?

This will get us into questions of what sexuality really is. Why is it important? It will also lead us to questions about morality. Why do we treat sexual morality so uniquely? Why is it that we believe that this is reserved only for marriage? Why do I even have sexual desire if I’m supposed to wait.

Yes. I plan to keep posting on this topic, but I wanted to set down the parameters I work with. I am not a statistician nor am I an expert on disease. I’m simpler a philosopher and a theologian.

In the book “Smart Sex”, Jennifer Morse gives a endnote where she shares a story that a girl wrote in to advice columnist Carolyn Hax. I’d give the web page here, but it doesn’t seem to work. For those interested, the endnote can be found on page 253. It was so stunning I read it to my roommate and have frequently discussed it with him as it shows the problem of what is called “casual sex.”

She starts talking about how her ex-boyfriend of three years and she still maintain contact. Now at that point, I don’t have a problem. If you can be on good terms with an ex, great. Sometimes though, it just doesn’t happen. However, it is what happens later that gets things interesting.

The girl writes on to say that the last few times they have ended up sleeping together and says “I’m totally fine with it.”

Stop right there.

Now what I’m thinking is that if I was coming from a more worldly perspective, I’d be saying this guy is getting a good deal. Chances are, the guy already has another girlfriend and if he’s willing to sleep with his ex, he’s probably sleeping with her. Thus, he gets to have at least two partners and then, he doesn’t even have to date this girl and he still gets all of her. (Well, physically at least.)

I hope this girl wakes up soon.

Ladies. Once a guy leaves you, that’s it. You do not have any kind of a romantic relationship. You may talk to him of course, you may hang out with him, but don’t do anything with him that should be done only with the significant other in your life, especially not sleeping with him which should only be done with your husband. (Yes. Don’t sleep with a boyfriend. Sleep with a husband.)

That this girl is totally fine with it terrifies me.

So what is this girl writing about? She’s saying that during the last visits, they had a couple of drinks and then went to bed. She says that now he’s suggesting that they can even avoid that part. In her words, he wants to go “straight to the goods.” Gah! It makes me want to scream! Doesn’t this girl see it?!

First off, this guy is just planning this out. He doesn’t care about this girl in that way at all, but he’s wanting to sleep with her still. Granted, a guy can lose a girl and still have dreams where he is with her, but this guy is getting his reality! In fact, they’re even planning it out. She’s letting it happen and the guy knows that he can do it. Ladies. Here’s a sad truth about many men. If they know they can take advantage of you, they will. Sadly men, the same goes for several ladies. If someone is taking advantage of you though, drop them.

That this girl even raises a question is sad. Geez. Do I spend my money on this girl and then get to sleep with her, or would it be better if I could just save my wallet for the other girls in my life and sleep with her anyway? Why oh why did not this girl kick this guy in the sweet spot immediately? (Normally, I don’t get as explicit, but stories like this really anger me.)

Now she goes on to say that she’s not expecting a lot, but he could at least get Ramen. Yes. That’s what she said. Ramen. I know about them. You can get Ramen for less than a dollar. Wow. Doesn’t that just scream romantic. Now I’m not saying the romance in a gift is conveyed in the price, but I am saying that you shouldn’t be necessarily cheap with the special ones in your life.

The girl asks if she should make it clear that the guy gets dessert later or not. Oh if only I was there. I’d scream at this girl that she is being taken advantage of. Of course, she says though that she’s all for casual sex, but you have to treat the person right don’t you? There’s the problem.

There is nothing casual about it. If there was, this letter would not need to be written to an advice columnist.

The world needs to drop the myth of “It’s just sex.” It seems when date rape takes place, it is far more substantial than if a mugging takes place. A lady can easily report a mugger no matter who it is and get on with her life. A rape on a date will change her forever and she can be ashamed to report it? Why? Because it’s not just sex. It’s about her and who she is as a woman. A mugging gets at her pocketbook. A rape gets at her.

That’s why it’s so devastating. That’s why sex changes everything. This isn’t about purely biological function. This is about something that gets at the hearts and lives of who we are entirely. To treat it as casual is to treat ourselves as casual. It is not a commodity to be sold to the highest bidder. It is a treasure to give to the one who has that right.

The sad thing is, this girl is not alone. There are probably several girls out there that are making the same mistake she is making. (At least, I hope by now she’s stopped making it.) There are several men out there that are using women and there are several women that are using men.

Let us drop the idea though that this is casual. To the women out here, I urge you instead to realize that you are a treasure. To the men, I urge you to recognize that you should make it your desire to dive into the ocean of one lady than wade in the shallow end of many.

People are worth far too much to treat cheaply.

J.P. Holding of Tektonics ministries I count as a dear friend of mine. I received news this afternoon that his dog Toby had passed away.

His dog? You’re writing a blog about the death of a dog?

Yep. You got a problem with it? Tough.

Yeah. I know I’ve been blogging on marriage lately, and that will resume, but when something like this happens, you just have to say something. I can’t put my friends on hold like that. If you want to hear about marriage, it will continue. Tonight though, I’m going to honor Toby.

I’ll go on and say I’m not really the one that scores highest in empathy. However, I was deeply moved with sorrow when my roommate called me to tell me the news.  The thought was on my mind throughout the day. Walking through a parking lot, a dog in a car started barking and I wanted to be able to tell him he should be silent for one of the best has passed on.

When I was on vacation earlier this year, I got to hold Toby. It has been considered a rare honor. I even got to feed him and I have a picture of me with him. When I was there, there could be no doubt that JPH loved (No, loves) that dog. Even when he picked me up at the wedding I was at, Toby was there in the backseat. The dog went everywhere.

What is it about animals?

My first loss of a pet was our cat several years ago. I’d never known life without this cat. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I know other people who lose pets and it’s the same way. For some reason, when a pet dies, everyone else just flocks around and showers you with love and kindness. Nearly everyone can relate to this.

Why do they get into our hearts? It could be that they’re pictures of grace. They come and give us unconditional love at times. That is the only thing they usually give us. Yeah, some people have dogs to protect them and some have cats to get rid of mice, but even those would most likely agree the best aspect is the relational one.

Animals come and give us someone we can be with just for the sake of being with and they treat us the same way. Picture the joy in a dog when he hears his master calling and runs forward. Picture the cat who is happily purring and sleeping with his owner. Pets somehow become part of the family.

When our family gets together for Christmas, we even exchange Christmas gifts for the pets and we have them getting “gifts” for each other. Everyone knows the names of everyone else’s pets. People who know me know about the cat that my folks own back where they live. People who know JPH know about Toby.

Now a question arises as to whether pets go to Heaven. Now I don’t think the Bible speaks explicitly on this issue, but seeing the joy animals have brought in this world and how I believe in a cosmos being resurrected, I can’t rule out the concept. C.S. Lewis has argued that an animal receives eternal life by being connected to someone else who has received it. He could be right. No complaints here if he is.

So in conclusion, I’d like to say that I send my condolences out to my friend in his loss. It’s a terrible happening and I’m here any time. As for Toby, the world seems a lesser place without the presence of that happy pup in it. To anyone who has lost a pet now, take the time to cherish that memory. If you have a pet now, go and shower some affection on it now. You never know when that time will come.

In Morse’s book, she has a chapter on why Reproductive Freedom is an illusion. Now I plan to sum up some fine points that I saw all throughout that chapter. I say this very cautiously because I do know people that participate in this. My sister is on birth control and my friend who recently married has a wife on birth control I believe.

I have often heard it is hardest to give the gospel to those closest to you. It is the same with most any truth. I can’t say I’m in full agreement with the practice of birth control yet. I am open to argumentation, but the more I hear, the more I just disagree and I think Morse hit on the idea of why.

It is simply that we are not in control.

She points to women that want to wait and get married at the right time (Because that guy will automatically be there I’m sure) and then want to wait til their career is in a good position and they are making sufficient income before they will start that family. (Because that baby will arrive at the right time)

It’s not always so, and sometimes, it’s too late.

The idea of birth control only works one way. We think we are in entire control of our reproductive cycles, and the truth is that we are not. I cannot approach my wife on our honeymoon assuming she isn’t on some form of birth control and say “Here comes conception.” Yeah. She might conceive. She might not though. It’s not up to me ultimately.

Now we can change the odds today through various methods. Morse doesn’t deny that. However, we are still rolling dice. There is always a chance of conception with birth control. There is always a chance that there won’t be a conception even with fertility enhancements. It is not certain.

What we can be certain of though is the process. What does it take to make a baby? It takes sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. We have to have a way to bring the sperm and the ovum together. Now we have found ways to bypass that some, but the two parts are still essential.

I have seen several commercials lately for birth control pills and it always surprises me that they have all these happy families on them. It’s like saying “Try our pill so you can not have one of these for the time being!” We have come so far from “Children are a gift from the Lord” to “Children are getting in the way of my career and goals in life.”

Children can be an inconvenience. Yes. Even parents will tell you I’m sure that their children get on their nerves at times. Do you think though that a good parent would give that child up for anything? Not at all. We must remember that things don’t usually go according to our plans. If things went according to my plans, my life would be entirely different now.

Is someone going to tell me that if they have children, they’re not going to go out there and work as hard as they can to bring in the money necessary to raise that child? I doubt it. In fact, Morse indicates that married fathers make more money than single men do. It’s not because of ability so much as it is incentive. The married father has more of a reason to work than the single man does.

Of course, this can also get us to abortion. I’m going to come right out and say my opinion on this matter.

Abortion is murder.

I will also state a more important position for a Christian.

Abortion is not unforgivable.

No. You can’t undo what happened, but you can be washed of that sin. You can be forgiven. I know of women who are Christians who did have abortions in the past. They will stand up today and decry it. They will say that it is murder. They will also say that what they did was wrong. Then they will say they have been forgiven.

Yet why is it pushed so much today? Morse believes she has the answer and I think she makes a compelling case. She states that people are wanting sexual intercourse without consequence. One consequence they want to avoid is a baby. They don’t want a third party to possibly intrude on their fun.

In short, they want to be autonomous.

Dare I say it, if many could have the full pleasure of sexual intercourse and somehow do so without the other person, I’m sure many would.

My advice: Leave it in the hands of God. If you have children, great. Raise them to be a blessing in the world. If you don’t, then you can adopt or live a life with just you and your spouse and let that be a blessing to the world as well.

Alright. I’m going to stay this for all of my readers who have already found their special someone. I’m speaking as someone on the outside who looks at what you all have and does wonder why I don’t see some of these things. If you’re practicing them already, great! I’m not saying that no one does. I’m saying that I would like to see more of this really and it does make many of us singles wonder.

After all, how you treat your marriage will affect how we approach marriage. Marriage is made to seen less and less likely today in a society where divorce is on the rise and sadly, divorce is just as common among Christians today as it is among Non-Christians. I plan on writing more on this later, but that should be enough to make us pause.

So what can be done to prevent that?

I would say first off is that it seems too often, people stop dating in marriage. When men are dating, they will do anything they can to show their love for their ladies. Then, it seems they get married and they go into a coast mode. “I’ve already got her, so now I can take it easy.”

Men. Please keep pursuing your ladies. Please realize there are many times when you still need to let her know that you’d choose her again in a heartbeat and you don’t do that simply with words, you do it with actions. Take her out to dinner. Go see a movie. Go for a weekend getaway.

Weekend getaways gets us into sexuality. Now this is something I wonder about. Why do I hear so often about guys saying they want more and women always saying they have a headache. Granted, there are times things are reverse. There are some men that aren’t romantic, though they can still want intercourse. They just seem to want the pleasure more than the person.

Friends. What happened on the honeymoon? It wasn’t just the experience I’m sure, but the person the experience was with. What happened to the time when you couldn’t wait to get home at the end of the day? Did you just allow that aspect of your marriage to become the norm? If this is such a great experience that builds up unity in the marriage, then surely it should happen more often.

Granted, when children enter the picture, that could be harder to do, but it should still happen. There should still be some regular time for intercourse between a husband and a wife. Both of them need to be reminded of the people that they married and become children with one another.

I also think this is hinted at in Proverbs 5:18-19. Go read the verses and if you haven’t ever read them before, you could come back and think “THAT’S IN THE BIBLE?!” Yeah. It is. It tells you to rejoice in the wife of your youth. Remember the joy that she has brought you and it does so by pointing to her physical beauty.

In fact, if you want some pizzazz, you could even try reading Song of Songs together. It is a very romantic book and it celebrates greatly the joy of sexual love.  There are too many attempts in the church to allegorize it. Now it could be allegorical on some level, but let us not deny the literal level. It is literally about the joy of sexuality.

Men. Also do some little things for your wives. I mentioned yesterday my tendency to sometimes stop and get a flower for my mother. Do you know how much it would mean to your wife to get a little gift every now and then? She’s not looking for something rich. She’s looking for just a little thought that you care.

If you want more action in the bedroom, it really should start early on after all. A lady once told me “Sex begins at breakfast.” What did she mean? She meant that you are to be romantic at the start of the day and not just for a little bit when you get home so you can get what you want. If you are romantic with your wife throughout the day, she is more prone to be romantic in the evening.

And women, if you want your husbands to do something, please avoid nagging him. Sons, husbands, etc. We all agree. Nagging doesn’t work. We might do what you say eventually, but we will have some thorns against you from it. Instead, there is a better way to get him to do what you want.

Seduce him.

Seriously. If you think about it, your husband does want to please you. Nagging him treats him as if you don’t think he does. Instead, seduce him and give him what he wants and watch and see how long it takes for him to give you what you want. Do so even if you don’t feel loving or romantic.

When in public, be sure that your husband is always seen as a man. If he is made to feel less than a man by you in public, don’t expect him to treat you happily. A man needs to look good in the public eye. Honor that. Men. Do the same for your women. Make sure in public that people know that you see your wife as beautiful and a treasure.

Also, please don’t base your marriage on feelings. Feelings will come and go. A honeymoon feeling will not last forever, but a honeymoon lifestyle can. Like most any important decision, you are to act when you do not have feelings anyway. If you act accordingly, you can be sure the feelings will eventually follow.

Remember married friends, we are watching you. We need your encouragement. Please show us how a marriage is to be and give us something to shoot for.

Yesterday, I wrote to the single women out there on what they should expect from a guy in the area of treatment and how they should respond properly. I wrote about their beauty and how they need to be sure that they meet a guy who does honor that beauty. Tonight, I will be writing to the men.

Men. Do we really treasure women? Do we look at them with the desire that we should honor them? Do we look at them and realize how much God has blessed us in that we get to realize how intense a beauty we have before us? Or is it usually more just looking and thinking “I wonder how good she is in bed.”?

Now, I don’t think it’s wrong to think sexually to a degree when looking at a woman. Desire is not a bad thing. There is that want to see that beauty and want as much of that beauty as possible. The problem comes when you separate the beauty from the person. If you want that beauty and you don’t want that person, you have a problem.

Men. When dating the female, always be sure to be respective. I would definitely recommend being as courteous as possible around her family. These could be your future in-laws. A lot of “Mr. and Mrs. X” can go a long way. Be on time for your date and when it comes to the check, be willing to pay. You’re escorting out a princess. (Especially since you should be dating Christians, children of the king.)

Be respectful of the boundaries she’s set also and especially that her parents have set. Now I’m not a believer in the first kiss at the altar movement. I understand its intentions, but I think it’s too much of a denial of the physical and I believe it’s too much to move straight from a kiss to intercourse.

However, I do believe that first kiss should wait until she is ready. That will depend on the girl. However, it is indeed her body still. Her body doesn’t become yours until she says “I do.” Remember to respect it. Always value her beauty and be thankful for it, but respect it as well.

Small things can go a long way in the gift department if your lady likes those. Married men I think can learn from this as well. When I lived with my folks, I would stop sometimes on the way home from work at a gas station. It wouldn’t cost much, but I’d buy one flower there for my mother. Maybe $3 or so. She would treasure it. Why? It was a simple little thing to let her know I appreciate her and am thinking of her. (Hence, her fear with me is that my wife will be spoiled rotten.)

Of course, one piece of advice that needs to be followed (And remember, I need to follow my own advice also) is to be yourself. There’s a desire all we peacocks have to show our plumage. Most ladies don’t want that. They don’t want a show. They just want you to be you. (And I’ve had enough friends mention that to me.)

Naturally though, be careful sexually. Don’t think you’re above temptation. I know someone in the counseling profession who says to not pray with your lady. Why? Because that intense spiritual unity can quickly turn into physical unity. I think that’s excellent advice and ought to be followed.

If you can find a guy that you can be accountable to, do so. I have the rule that a girl will not be allowed in here while I am here alone. I don’t see why anyone else should do differently. If you think, “Oh I wouldn’t give in!”, then you are in reality one step closer to giving in.

However, in all this, be sure to have fun. The company of a lady is to be enjoyed, just as God is to be enjoyed.

I woke up this morning and had this kind of thought on my mind with the blog. The book I’m reading is great and the questions coming from it are excellent. It just gets me thinking more on the topic as well as my own personal desires. If there is an area that does sadden me in this, it’s how women treat themselves.

I haven’t been shy in this thread in saying I do love the beauty of the ladies. There would be a lot of problems if I didn’t. However, I also do realize that the ladies love their own beauty as well. Every female desires to be beautiful. She desires to shine. She wants people to see her and be in awe.

The problem is, I see a lot of beautiful women who don’t know they’re beautiful.

I ponder that a lot of it is from the media today. The media has presented the image of a supermodel as what a girl is to aspire to. Now there are some beautiful women in the public eye, no doubt. That is not because they are in the public eye though, but that is because they are women. They would be beautiful even if they weren’t on TV or doing concerts or in the movies.

Yet too many a young lady believes that she has to look just like X in order to be beautiful. If guys aren’t falling over her everyday, then she’s not beautiful. If she doesn’t have just the right proportions or the right weight or the right figure or the right clothes or the right accessories, then she’s not beautiful.

Of course, I’m not against a girl taking care of her appearance. A girl should do what she can to look lovely before the world. I’m against two things in particular. I’m against a girl thinking that that’s all that she is. I’m also against girls being beautiful and either explicitly or implicitly denying it.

The first one I see in the girls that buy these girly magazines that are far more adult in nature than they should be. If you don’t know which ones I’m talking about, then go to the local department and/or grocery store and look in the check-out section and it won’t take long for you to find out.

Ladies. If you think true beauty will come in what you add to yourself, you’re mistaken. Accessories and clothing do not give you beauty. They can enhance the beauty you already possess. If a guy doesn’t think you’re worth it until he can sleep with you also, well rest assured, that’s not a guy you need to be talking to.

So now we get to the second one and this one saddens me the most. I meet several women who are beautiful and they don’t see it. Instead, they are complaining about their appearance and I and several other guys I know are wondering “Have you looked in a mirror and seen yourself lately?”

There’s a secret most guys are aware of that most ladies don’t seem to be. The girls that consider themselves “plain” are usually the most beautiful ones of all. The ones that consider themselves the most beautiful, are usually the most unattractive ones of all. It has more to do with the inner beauty.

And believe it or not ladies, many a guy can see that.

A good guy is one that already thinks you look great as you are. If you show up for a date and your hair isn’t perfect, he won’t pitch a fit. He’ll just be thrilled he gets to be with you anyway. He’ll also be one that will respect the boundaries that he ought to respect concerning you physically.

Of course, a guy is always thinking that way, but he can do so respectfully. The guy already desires you or else he wouldn’t be going out with you. However, the good guy will control his desires instead of letting his desires control him. Having desire is not our problem today. It never has been. The problem has been our desires having us.

Naturally, he will be tempted. That means that he will have to be strong of course, but so will you. Anyone in a relationship who thinks they won’t be tempted is already on the path of falling entirely. One of my rules for dating is that I don’t allow myself to be alone with a girl at either my place or hers. That is opening the door wide. I have no intentions of letting a girl in here even if my roommate is with me. The only exception would be if we had a group event such as a Sunday School party or something of that sort. Other than that, there’s no need for unnecessary temptation.

One thing would delight me ultimately. I would love for beautiful women to realize they’re beautiful. I would love to see them wake up and realize how special they really are and discover what kind of guy they need to find then. They need a guy who also knows they’re beautiful and respects that and doesn’t want to use it.

Ladies. Keep this in mind. You are in the image of God. He made you to be beautiful. Trust that he did so rightly.

I was also asked yesterday why is it that we specifically wait for marriage. What is the biblical basis. There isn’t one verse in there that says “Intercourse is for marriage only”, but I believe it is implied. We see men taking women as their wives and then they lay with them, we know the culture celebrated weddings, and we know the marriage bed is to be kept pure according to Hebrews 13.

Let me go on and state my character some.

I am a very single man who has a great love for the ladies. When my roommate have been out having lunch and he notices my eyes drift, he’ll look behind him knowing that I’ve caught sight of some lady, maybe out in the parking lot even. If I approach a beautiful young lady in any way, I am normally smiling and trying to get eye contact. In other words, I am a huge flirt.

I assure you, I do not do the idea of waiting for marriage because I’m really excited by it. I, like many other guys, want to have this experience as soon as possible. However, I believe that it is morally proper for me to do so and I believe that it will in fact bring me more pleasure in the long run.

Why?

For one thing, we believe that intercourse today is purely for pleasure. I don’t. I think pleasure is a nice aspect of it, but I also believe it is to be connected with procreation and with unity. Let’s look at the last one for now though as the first one will be discussed more in future blogs.

Ladies. Let me ask you this bluntly. What do you think of the charming Romeo who says “Baby. I want you to get completely naked for me and expose yourself entirely and let me enter into you and get my kicks and pleasure, but can we talk about marriage some other time? I’m not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life with you yet.”

Not very romantic is it?

Okay men. Now it’s our turn! Imagine the young lady wanting the same with you but saying “By not committing, I am opening up the possibility that I could just walk away and leave you at any future date and meanwhile be carrying your kid and sue you in a huge paternity case that’ll be costing you for the next 20 years.”

Not too appealing is it?

What’s the problem in each of these? There’s a lack of trust in each case. Without the foundation of marriage, none of the partners is entirely trusting the other. None of them is entirely giving themselves to the other. Intercourse is supposed to be the ultimate act of trust, but how can it be in that case? In fact, I find it sickening that we have to talk about safe sex. You can approach the most intimate act of all and have to worry about being safe. It’s sickening entirely!

Well, you don’t buy a car unless you test drive it first!

To which, Morse in the book “Smart Sex” gives the answer of “Who’s the driver and who’s the car?”

Honestly, think about it. Baby. I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life with you or not. Let me see how good you are in the sack first.  Nice to know the young Romeo has his priorities in the right place.

Can either one fully trust the other if they’re just going on a test spin of the other? Who would want to be the car? Does each really want to know whether they’ll marry or not depends on the sexual performance they give to the other? In other words, “If I don’t find you pleasing enough, you’re out.” Very romantic isn’t it?

We know the truth. We all do. While we may use others at times sadly, and we all do it, none of us likes to be used. Yet isn’t that what is happening if we take someone for a test drive. We even compare them to an impersonal object! Sorry, but the car won’t have its feelings hurt if you reject it and it won’t bear scars from it. A person will.

What’s the solution? Try the biblical route. Wait till marriage when you are in a total relationship of trust.

As for me, that is what I pray I do, and I know the temptation is real. I have to remember it every time I see a beautiful young lady, and I do thank God that they are beautiful. This is what is commanded though, and I believe he knows best. When my day comes, I don’t want there to be regrets. The wait will be worth it I am sure.

I had a friend IM me tonight since I’m speaking on marriage. This is a really good friend who has a great passion and I hope that he keeps it up regardless of any feelings that he has on the matter. However, he wanted to talk to me since I’m blogging on marriage and ask what biblical sexuality is.

I love this kind of question.

I mean it, I really love this question.

It seems that so many of us want to spend time making sure that we might have a “biblical sexuality” even if we don’t use that terminology. However, while many of us may think often about what it means to be sexually pure and what the act of sexual intercourse really means, how many of us ever stop to think about what sexuality is?

When I asked, the first reply I got was in reference to an action. This is one reason I always say it’s best to define our terms. I astounded this friend of mine by pointing out I am a single man and that I had sex last night and the night before and I will have it tonight. (Readers. I ask that you keep reading. I will clarify this.)

Now there was shock and I could see why. The difference though is how we define our terms. I do not see sex as an action. It is why I use the term “intercourse” frequently. Why did I have sex? Because I cannot stop it! No matter what I am doing, I am doing as a man and not as a woman. If I took a vow of celibacy and entered a monastery, I would still be a man.

That gets me to my blogs on masculinity which I reference the reader to.

Recovering Masculinity

Consider this for instance. I am a small guy in my physical structure. I am quite underweight really. Does that mean that men with more muscles are more masculine than I am? Only if masculinity is best expressed physically. Now I believe it is to a degree, but a guy is not more masculine the moment he gets more muscles. I believe it’s how he uses those muscles.

My point is that simply masculinity may express itself in the physical, but it is part of our soul. It is who we are. I cannot cease to be a male. Sex is not what I do. It is who I am. I am able to function sexually as a man because I am a man to begin with and that includes proper sexual responses to women.

I also believe that this is found in the nature of God first. We are male and female in his image. We reflect qualities of him that are masculine and feminine. Women reflect his beauty best for instance. (Let’s face it guys, we’re really not much to look at, but those ladies on the other hand! This is also true of the female. They like their beauty more than they like looking at us.)

Thus, biblical sexuality begins with what you are. It is your very nature and you are to conform to that nature. You are to treat women a certain way and men a certain way depending on which sex you are. However, that doesn’t get us into the living out that sexuality. Why do we hold the attitude to marriage that we hold as Christians? Why do we tell people to wait for marriage?

But that, is for another day. We have discussed what it is. Next, we shall discuss living it.