Tag: Love

Divorce, Rejection, and Acceptance

What is the experience like? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

I was sitting here pondering what I would write on today and then it occurred to me to write again on divorce. i have not lost sight of the biblical look at marriage and divorce, but for now, I am writing a more personal look. I have been told that these writings have helped others, especially my fellow men, who are going through divorce. I hope that pattern continues.

If there’s any word that I think best describes divorce, it’s rejection. Humans have a need to belong. We want to be accepted. It doesn’t mean by everyone, but it does mean by someone, which is why I’m sure it’s particularly damaging if you grow up with parents who don’t accept you. That was not my growing up thankfully, but I know everyone can’t say that.

To get to divorce, it involves someone breaking a promise to you as if to say that you’re not worth it anymore. I won’t deny I do wonder sometimes about trusting people now. I tried to give my ex the benefit of the doubt in everything and it did not work out well at all.

Then you can easily be left wondering why you were rejected. You are rejected on every level which I cannot speak for a woman, but as a man, definitely stings. What you did was not good enough. It is your ex looking at you and saying that you failed to bring happiness and joy to their life.

It’s tempting to have the story end there for many of us. We can want to be happy again, but just be scared of the possibility. My DivorceCare leader said off the cuff one time talking to another member in a meeting once that everyone in this even contemplates suicide at some point. He’s not wrong.

Now I did resolve that I would not let my past determine me or else I would always be a victim. Our culture places a lot of premium today on being a victim. I did not want that. If you are a victim, then you are saying you are granting someone else power over you.

Sometimes it’s easier than others. Every day I have to go to my job is horrible. I get extremely bored and as odd as it might be for some people to contemplate, I am extremely lonely. It’s like just being a cog in a machine and it’s especially hard when I see other couples come in.

What has been beneficial to me has been the acceptance. When I shared the news finally that I was divorced, no one looked down on me. Now that is not why I didn’t share it immediately. I wanted to avoid as much as possible people thinking badly of my ex. In some ways, I still want that. I still pray for her and her well-being every night.

Not only were people kind to me when I shared the news, but many of them found their own encouragement in it. It’s always good to know that we’re not alone. That is often still needed for me today.

I don’t consider myself a people person, but it’s always good to have some people in your life. My former in-laws and I still can speak to each other easily. I do have many people who reached out to me to make sure I was okay. I have been playing games like Final Fantasy XIV with friends and got in a small group of people who help each other out on Pokemon Go.

I do still long for a connection with another woman again. Right now, there are no sure prospects, but I have put any on hold seeing as I plan to move to Louisiana soon. That is something else to be thankful for. The seminary could have easily rejected me on the grounds of divorce and they did not. Christian leadership has by and large been very kind to me.

However, when you do interact with a divorced person, keep in mind rejection is very real. For those who haven’t had it, I would say to picture the worst break-up you ever had and multiply it by about 1,000. You’re starting to get the idea then.

To those who have been there, I honestly thank you. I referred to Final Fantasy earlier and in most every game, the main character never battles alone. He has friends. In each of our lives, we are in some ways the main character, and I know I could not walk the journey without having good friends around me. Thank you for being there.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Selling Yourself Short

How much is a girl worth? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Yesterday, I watched a YouTube video talking about the problems girls are having on OnlyFans where no one is subscribing to them. There was a girl in England who was complaining that she couldn’t get someone to subscribe to her page for just two pounds. The girl was saying she was actually worth a million.

Yes. Yes, she is.

The medieval philosophers would have said she is worth more than the universe. Every human being is. Unfortunately, many of us today don’t see it and since OnlyFans is about women selling themselves, I will be addressing them. In relationships, women are usually the ones who control the market. Men for the most part do the chasing and the women decide if they are interested or not.

Unfortunately, when women decide that they have to go out all there to get male attention, they are really selling themselves short and if it doesn’t work out that way, then it is extremely dehumanizing. After all, if a guy doesn’t want to pay just a small amount to see you, what are you to think about yourself? However, while that is sad, isn’t it sad that a woman places herself that low to begin with?

We live in a day and age where if a man wants to see a nude woman, he doesn’t really have to pay for that. Any man right now could easily access such things on his computer. You could turn on streaming services that you have and probably find that soon as well.

When you treat beauty that is personal and intimate as if it is common, it only lowers it. This girl is selling herself for two pounds. She could consider saying she is worth a lifetime commitment from a good man who makes the deal and follows through upfront. This will also show the man who is truly interested in a relationship with her.

Ladies. Just because a man will pay to see nudes of you, it doesn’t mean that he’s interested in you. It means that he is a man with normal male urges. Some men will just constantly give in to those urges and just see every relationship as another fix. Some men will believe those urges need to be saved and controlled and will give them to someone in a committed marriage. Of course, there are various areas all in between, but to the woman, it’s up to you to decide how valuable you see yourself.

Many women will also give in to the advances of a man thinking that that will keep the relationship. I’m not saying it always happens, but too many times, the guy decides to leave shortly after that. It’s one more great reason to save yourself for making that full commitment upfront.

Ladies. Please do not sell yourself short to anyone whatsoever. Don’t put a price tag on a website for your beauty. You are worth so much more. Treat yourself like it.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

The Problem of Pleasure

Why is there so much good in the world? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

We have all seen the problem of evil trotted out. Why would there be evil in the world if God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good? This is a good question and I have addressed it many other times before, but let us consider something else.

If evil counts as evidence of the existing of God, shouldn’t it also go the other way? If all the evil counts as evidence against God, then could we not say “If the world is a random accident with no intentional cause whatsoever, why is there so much good in the world?” This isn’t a question original with me. It’s one that was asked by G.K. Chesterton.

Chesterton said that we all know that we have to eat in order to survive, but that doesn’t mean food had to be tasty. We have to drink to survive, but that doesn’t mean that water had to be refreshing. We have to reproduce in order to survive, but the intense pleasure that comes from sexual reproduction didn’t have to be there.

The world could also exist in black and white and odds are it would have worked just fine. However, there is a huge multiplicity of colors. As a gamer, I remember when the Super Nintendo was being advertised that it was said to have 32,000 colors. It was impressive for many of us when we got a Crayola box of crayons that had 64 colors. This is 500 times that.

What we have to ask is if the world is mostly evil with some bits of good popping up every now and then, or is it mostly good, with evil being the interruption to it. There is suffering in every life and I know this firsthand with a lot that I have gone through, major surgery, intense depression, and divorce, but overall, I am convinced the world is mostly good. This is my Father’s world.

Ah, but I live in America and I have food and shelter and technology and so many other blessings. What about the rest of the world? However, what is said about the rest of the world often is those people often take their faith far more seriously and have a lot more joy than we do. There’s a reason there’s such a joke about first-world problems.

There are Christians in Iran who are getting baptized and doing so knowing that that can lead to their execution. When I read Craig Keener’s Impossible Love, I remember reading about the attitude of Keener’s father-in-law and thinking that I wish I had the courage that he had. He was definitely facing realities that I had never faced, such as being on medication and having to escape from a civil war and being forced to eat rats when there was nothing else.

So again, what’s the point in all of this? If evil counts as evidence against God, shouldn’t the opposite be true? Shouldn’t good count as evidence for God? After all, if you are looking at data, you have to look at all data. If the universe has no intent behind it and no purpose, why should I think good would just happen? Why should food taste good or sex be incredible?

As a Christian also, I should give thanks for the good in the world more often and not take it for granted. I should enjoy time with good family and friends and appreciate the little things as well. Actually, that would be good advice for all of us, and if Lewis is correct, the more we enjoy true pleasure for the sake of that pleasure alone, we are more prone to come to God anyway. Perhaps if you focus on evil, you will be further drawn away.

So if you’re an atheist now, here’s something to think about. How do you address the problem of pleasure? Is there more good or evil in the world?

I leave that to you.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

The World Of Divorce

What’s it like going through it? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

This season of DivorceCare just ended. I suspect it will be my last time here. I am in the process of applying to be a student at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary and I will then be moving to New Orleans when accepted. Even if I don’t start a semester immediately, I want to be able to get situated, get good employment, and start meeting people.

It really left me tonight thinking about the world of divorce. It’s still a struggle for all of us. I am helping someone out now who is on the journey just as I was helped, but all of us on the path are still hurting.

Other couples can be difficult to see. I am reading through an apocalyptic novel, a chapter a night right now, involving a simple country guy who somehow survives a plague that outright kills most of humanity and recently, he has come across a girl he went to school with who also survived. Tuesday night, they professed their love for each other and well, we know what comes next. No. The book didn’t describe the scene at all, but you did know what was happening. (Do you need to seek a minister to marry you if the world has come to an end like that? Questions theologians ask.)

Did I go to bed depressed some? Yep. I thought about this tonight as we described seeing other couples sometimes. When I was married, it was we were getting together with friends. Now, I am getting together with a friend. When you’re married, your friends seem to be other couples. When you’re single, not as much.

I really do miss that interaction. I wonder if I will ever experience the love of a woman again and getting to give her my love as well. Add in that I’m on the spectrum and that makes it even harder. I understand many guys have a hard time knowing if a woman is flirting with them. For me, it’s far harder.

Not only that, but how do you properly express yourself? How do I know I’m not being a stalker type? How do I show someone how much I adore them without appearing too obsessed over a person?

How do you even make the first move? I remember reading a book on flirting and it told to go through a week at a time. The first week was learning to make eye contact. Hard, but doable. I start looking everyone in the eye as I am told to not just look the opposite sex but the same sex so you can just get better used to eye contact. Okay. Good.

Then the next week was when wisdom shows it’s a good idea, give a gentle smile to someone you deem attractive. I started doing that and I was really surprised how many smiles I got back. I don’t know what that means exactly. I couldn’t help but wonder if they thought I was cute possibly.

So far so good. Let’s go to step three!

Small talk.

I don’t think I came back for months and still I struggle with this one as I despise small talk.

It’s a hope of mine to get to seminary and find guys who will be my wingmen and give me tips on if a girl is interested in me or not. I would totally miss it if they were. I do love the academic life and the intellectual arena, but I am not the best when it comes to the social arena.

Some people might think I focus on that too much. First off, as a guy, I think about physical interaction a lot and miss it everyday so yeah, this is something I focus on. Second, it’s easy for people who are still married to talk about learning to focus on God. Divorce really rips out something from you and it’s as if you’ve lost a limb or even a few of them.

Add in also now that when I am at work, I am essentially bored silly. My work doesn’t challenge me and I realize I did not go to college for this. When I am spoken to by my managers, it is essentially to tell me about things I have done wrong or they think are wrong. I see other people interacting fine and wonder what I’m missing. Really, one of the times I feel the loneliest of all in my life is when I’m at work. I am truly an outsider.

I look at the world around me and see so much chaos going on and I want to be out there doing something and making a difference, but here I am doing what any high schooler could do. I spend 40 hours a week doing it. At least on the way to and fro I can listen to an audible book and while I’m at work I can on breaks read my other books. I won’t deny that work at least pays the bills, but I want meaning in what I do.

When I fill out a survey online and I get asked my marital status, it is still always painful to select divorced. It was a word I never wanted to use to describe myself. I really think I tried to do most everything I could do to be a good and loving husband. In the end, it was rejection.

Rejection is painful. It’s one reason I hate going to work as I feel like an outsider there. I have been there for about ten months and thus far no one has even asked for my Facebook information or anything like that. The only exception is one person who got fired and came through my line and wanted my number and I gave it to him.

I am thankful my parents have provided me a place to live. I am also thankful that I get to spend my time with my cat here. I don’t want to say life is completely terrible. It’s not. I still enjoy my reading and doing my apologetics and I love my gaming time with my friends. I have more money for that now and I also am now playing Final Fantasy XIV online with friends of mine. (If you play, let me know. I am Phoenix Skywing.)

I also try to live by the maxim that the best revenge is a life well lived. I have no wish to harm my ex-wife. I don’t even know where she is right now or what she’s doing. I have a general idea, but I don’t look her up or anything like that. She’s made her decision. I still pray for her every night, but I don’t watch her or keep tabs or anything like that.

For going to New Orleans, I am looking for a church now that is autism friendly. I am also going to talk about getting a job with the New Orleans Baptist Association if I don’t get one at a local church. I have also given some thought to doing Christian comedy from an autistic Christian perspective. One benefit of my work now is I have so many interactions that really show the way people think that I can make plenty of jokes about how people act in a retail environment.

The biggest concern about this is sadly, the church can treat divorce like it’s the unpardonable sin. This is one area we definitely need to improve on. I am thankful I have a good church family. I can’t imagine going through this and having a church family that would kick me while I’m down as if I was an awful sinner because of what happened. Sadly, there are too many people who cannot say the same thing about having a good church.

Until then, I will be sharing my Patreon also so that if I do lose my job, which wouldn’t surprise me frankly, I can at least have some more income coming in in the meanwhile and hopefully, I can get to a point of working entirely from home doing apologetics. I also ask people who want to encourage to mainly listen if you have not gone through divorce. Help from people who have not been there is often remembered as being more painful than it is helpful.

If you have been through it, I welcome you walking beside me, especially if you’re a guy and can share in the struggles that guys have. I remember as an example talking to a guy friend here who has gone through it about the struggle I had at the start of it when I felt guilty finding myself attracted to other women. I remember also thinking about going through a store and saying to myself, “She would like this. Oh yeah. Right. She did that.” I was so used to buying her gifts and now so much I have to unthink. Having a guy who has walked the walk has been essential to me.

Divorce is painful. Even writing this blog has been painful. There are times I can be minding my own business and just get hit with sudden sorrow for a moment or so. One reason I think I game a lot now is so that I can have my mind off of the matter for a short time. I have a goal I can accomplish and I work on doing that.

Many of you have been there and I appreciate that. Also, not all of you are Christians even, but I appreciate your help as well. I am thankful that as much as I love debate, posts like this don’t become debate posts. I am also thankful some people I know have been inspired to speak out and share their stories on divorce. I would love to see the stigma against it broken. This is also why I have a Facebook group for Christian men and divorce. Feel free to find it and join in, but you have to answer all the questions to get in.

And if you have read this long, I appreciate your reading. I do really look forward to what’s coming up in my life, though I won’t deny it is somewhat frightening too. I have never lived as far away as in Louisiana, but I want to do something to make a difference down there as well.

Please be praying for me and consider becoming a contributor to my Patreon as well. All the support I can get will be great and I am a spender who tries to be conscientious with money. I am always looking for a bargain.

Again, thank you for reading.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Divorce About A Year Later

How is life today? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Some of you know I have been applying to NOBTS. If you don’t know that, then obviously you need to subscribe to my newsletter. Recently while filling out the application, I had to explain the circumstances of my divorce. That involved getting out the paperwork and looking at it again. I don’t remember the exact date, but it was this month.

So how is it a year later?

Well, everyday in some ways, it still hurts.  Little things can happen that remind me of something from her. Sometimes, it can even be good things. I can pet my cat and be thinking about missing getting to touch her as well. I can hear someone say something and remember that she used to say that as well. Any time I feel rejection in some way, rightly or wrongly, it brings it back and I think about how I have been rejected.

That’s something that makes divorce so much different than something like death. Divorce is an intentional rejection by someone that is treating you like a problem that has to be eliminated. It doesn’t happen by accident. Sometimes it is justified, but in my case, it wasn’t, and the irony is I had plenty of people, even priests and pastors and others telling me I could get a divorce at any time and it would be biblically based. One priest said a divorce was a godly option or I could remain a martyr in my marriage.

Loneliness is a big problem for me. That’s one more reason I want to move to the campus. I have friends, but very few of them are local, though it is nice for something like Final Fantasy XIV to have some people I can play it with. (If you play too, find me on there. My name is Phoenix Skywing.) It would be nice to have fellow men around who share my theological passions.

Of course, there’s also women to consider. A seminary could be a great place to find a devoted Christian woman who’s looking for her MRS degree. I had hoped that I would never be involved in this search again as it’s extremely difficult being on the spectrum and having to approach someone, but it looks like I am. Add in also that I am completely inept at knowing if someone is flirting with me or not.

It’s really odd to think I’m talking with my therapist about women I am interested in and getting advice. Normally, this seems to come up in most every weekly session. I still hate to this day going to bed at night and realizing that I am sleeping alone. I love having Shiro here with me, but it’s hard to think he’s stuck in one room at my parents’ house since they already have a cat and he only has me. He seems to tolerate my Mom some, and is slowly maybe starting to accept my Dad, but there’s no one he ultimately trusts but me.

There are some people who after a divorce seem to take a view that sex before marriage will be no big deal. I still hold the view that I don’t want it to happen, but having been married before and enjoyed that fruit, I also know what a great temptation it is for me. Fortunately, I have been able to avoid pornography still. That’s not about how awesome I am. There’s a great need to rely on the grace of God and His strength when I am weak.

However, as a guy, this is definitely a great want in my life. I find women to be absolutely beautiful and I don’t want to go through life alone. I also still wouldn’t mind being a Dad someday. Therefore, I do strive to be careful with women and have already set up some boundaries for when I am dating to help make temptation less likely to master me.

I have also become somewhat of an advocate for men going through divorce. One man was inspired to tell his story after I shared mine. I have also set up a Facebook group for Christian men going through divorce or who have gone through it or who are about to go through it.

It’s really sad divorce comes with such a stigma to it. We can think that if many churches today heard that Paul was coming back, they wouldn’t question him about coming behind the pulpit despite having been a murderer, but if news came out that Paul was a divorcee, then there would be serious questions as that had to be explained. I am not saying we should not take divorce seriously. We should. I am saying it is not the unpardonable sin.

Something that also stings in my case is knowing I was accused of being abusive by her. There are plenty of people who knew both of us who would tell you that this is not the case. As I said earlier, I have been told that I had grounds and I have tended to choose to not go into that due to my desire to not shame her. The news came out in September because we thought she had gone missing. A few people knew about it before I went public, but I had kept it secret for a reason.

I would be crazy to deny there was also some shame involved in that. I hate having to tell people I’m divorced. Divorce can be a scarlet letter that you wear.

At the same time, I try to not let it dominate my life. Many people can think about getting revenge on their exes. This is actually how Sue Grafton’s alphabet murder series came about. She kept thinking of how she could kill her ex and then thought, “Why not turn it into a book series?” For me, I don’t really want that. There is a part of me that wants justice, but I want mercy also for her. I have decided personally that the best revenge is a life well-lived.

Even last night, I had a dream that we found out she had to go to the hospital again. This is just a dream, of course, so don’t take this as a fact, but I woke up from it and going back to sleep, I began praying for her again and her well-being. Can I say she has hurt me more than anyone else ever has? Yep. 100%. Still, I try to think of how I have treated my God and then I remember I too have rejected too many times one who loves me so much and I pray for mercy.

Going to work five days a week is a pain as well mainly because my job requires nothing that gives me any challenge intellectually, but is instead a lot of socializing. It’s one reason I am working on making Deeper Waters self-sustaining so that I can just do apologetics work full-time. Again, please consider becoming a donor to help make this so. The more free time I have, the more I can do the important things, like hopefully starting up the podcast again one day.

This is a season in my life. It’s a sad season, but it is still a season. It will pass. The thing is that when people say that, it doesn’t really help that much. You don’t want to have to wait for the season to end. You want it to end then.

Fortunately, the overwhelming majority of people have been in my corner. I haven’t really lost relationships. If anything, my pain has been something that has helped some other men, and for that, I am grateful. I have one really good friend who has gone down this road and has interacted with me regularly. He had someone do the same for him. I am helping someone else down this road now and hope to help others down it too.

Still, I can’t deny the pain is real. You have to choose to keep going. There were times early on when it was sometimes tempting to just quit. That was never the answer though, although everyone I understand thinks about it at some point. I have chosen to face my pain consistently, but never doubt that it is very much there.

Sometimes people will reach out and say things that I also know are meant to be supportive, but they have the exact opposite effect. Some of it can even be true, such as the importance of being thankful for what you have. I am and should be, but I also do acknowledge there is a real loss on my end and a real desire for other gifts, like a remarriage some day.

Honestly, if you haven’t been through a divorce, one of the best things you can do is just listen. I might just need to vent a bit at times and then I can come to my own conclusions. Naturally, pray as well.

Thanks to so many people who have been there for me. I hope many of you never have to go through the pain of divorce, justified or unjustified. For those wanting to know about seminary, just follow my Facebook or subscribe to my newsletter for updates.

Thank you again for everything.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

 

 

Why Not Watch Porn?

What’s the harm? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

In a recent post on waiting for marriage again, I wrote about a recent conversation with two co-workers. That conversation about why one should wait until marriage also included talk about pornography. The guy in the conversation was definitely stunned that I don’t watch porn, though a lot of women have been stunned about that too.

The sad reality of today is it’s considered axiomatic. If a girl starts dating a guy, she will usually assume that he is caught up in watching pornography on some level. Even sadder, too many times, she’s right.

Now I being a formerly married man have got to rightly see a woman’s full body before, so what’s the harm? Why not go back to that? I mean, sure, these are women I don’t know, but why should this suddenly be forbidden grounds once again?

First off, let’s consider that rule about women thinking that their men watch porn. This is unfair to the woman as the woman will often then start watching if anything, just because she thinks she has to compete against what is on the screen. Newsflash: She can’t. What is on the screen is fantasy and acted out entirely. What is going on in reality is not acted out. It’s real flesh and blood and there are no retakes of a scene or anything like that. There are no airbrushed bodies either in reality.

No woman should think in anyway that she has to compete with a woman on a screen. Even if you’re not watching porn, I urge you married men definitely to not talk about an actress on TV or the movies that you think is attractive. That can make a woman think in a social media world that she has to compete.

Second, we don’t know the story of these women always, but many times they are caught up in sex trafficking, which still goes on here in America. Watching pornography can further aid that. Would you want to take part in anything that could enable the sex slavery of women?

Third, when I listen to the radio many times, I often hear ads about products that deal with ED. I strongly suspect the reason this has risen so much is pornography. Some men have been turned on so much by porn that they need something stronger and stronger in order to be able to respond to a beautiful woman. There are men in their 20’s and possibly younger that are struggling with this already and some that I have known like this have been struggling with pornography. Pornography has it that you need more and more to get the same sort of reaction and it has to be harder and harder. It’s the law of diminishing returns and you are damaging your brain further and further.

Fourth, this really makes you less of a man. There’s no need to go out there and really impress a real woman. Nope. Just go and watch a woman who doesn’t even know you take off all her clothes in front of you on a screen. That doesn’t make you a man. You might feel like one, but if anything, you are less of a man. You are really telling yourself you are incapable of getting that in reality, so you might as well go to porn.

Personally, I see a woman as a privilege and I want it to be that assuming I remarry, which I definitely hope for, that a lady will know I waited for her and when she shares her body with me, there is no competition. She doesn’t have to compete against a computer screen. She is the one and only.

And ladies, if your man is watching porn, declare war on it. Don’t accept it. It’s either you or porn. I’m not saying he will necessarily quit cold turkey. It’s a struggle. Still, he has to be willing to get help. It’s a form of adultery in the marriage and it should not be tolerated.

And always, please do work on your marriages. I can tell anyone easily that divorce hurts. In some ways, it hurts every single day to this day.  Please work on your marriage so none of you has to go through with this.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Waiting For Marriage….Again

Should divorced people wait again? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

The whole thought seemed incredulous to them. Seriously? You’re not going to have sex again until you marry again?

I was talking to some co-workers yesterday, one a guy and one a girl, though not in any romantic relationship with each other. They both seemed stunned at first that I would be waiting until I got married again for sex.

I was stressing that this was part of being consistent with my views on sex and marriage. I’m not doing this because I like the idea. I really don’t. I do it because it’s the right thing to do. I also say this because some of my friends have never married and when I was married, I could say “Save sex for marriage” very easily because I had someone I could be with. Now, I have to say the same thing again when I have no one. The rules of reality don’t change based on my personal circumstances.

I also stressed why I was doing this and without even citing a single verse of Scripture. It was just a simple way of stating that a person is worth a lifetime commitment. I personally focused this on the girl the most since women really control the market and it seemed to be effective. Why? Because I think every girl wants to know that she’s worth a lifetime commitment. Too many women sell themselves short. Because they sell themselves for less, should they be treated as less? No.

I showed my phone as an example and said I could sell this for a penny. That would be stupid, but I could do it. That would not mean it is worth a penny. A woman can give herself to a man for less than a lifetime commitment. That does not mean she’s worth less than a lifetime commitment.

This also means no pornography. For some men, that’s really hard. For me, for the most part, it has not been a challenge. I never engaged in it before and although there have been some times of temptation, by the grace of God those have been few and far between and I have relied on Him and overcome them every time.

However, I do plan on remarrying and when I do, I want whoever I am with to know that I was faithful even when I was unmarried and did not do anything that I should have saved for marriage. This person will know that she is also worth a lifetime commitment. After all, talk is cheap. I want a girl who will say “You don’t get to be with me until you actually go through the promise and make a lifetime commitment to me publicly before God and men.”

Why say all this? First off, the standard doesn’t change for divorced people. It’s not “Well, you’ve been married and had sex before so no big deal. Do what you want?” I plan to take further precautions when dating this time around to make sure I don’t fall into temptation. The first way to highly increase the chance if not make it certain is to think that you are above it.

Second, I want my single friends who have never been married to know I am following the hard path as well. It’s not because I like it again. It’s because I’m convinced it’s the right thing to do.

And also, to my friends who are divorced, I share the burden with you. Someone did ask “Well what if you never marry again?” yesterday. Then that means I don’t again. I don’t like that, but that’s what it means. Sex is a great gift, but my happiness and well-being does not depend on it. I can’t make it my god or else it becomes a demon.

Yet I will continue to hope that love like that can be a reality again and I can have a special lady to share my life with. if I find that, I want her to know I was faithful in singleness. That also gives all the more reason to trust me in marriage.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Book Plunge: Dating With Discernment

What do I think of Sam Andreades’s book published by Cruciform Press? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

How many pastor/scholars do you know that write books on dating that are practical and have deep theology? Odds are, that number is zero. Change that number to one now. Sam Andreades has written such a book that is practical and yet founded on great theology.

So how does one date wisely? You might be surprised, but the first chapter is on how to break up with someone. What? That’s like writing a book on how to be good at a sport and then a chapter on how to lose or how to win at video games with discussing all the ways to lose a life. Does it really make sense to have a book on dating start with a chapter on how to break up?

Andreades asks this question at the beginning and yes, yes it does. He says you need to be willing to go for the best in this area and that can mean ending relationships that are not good. You do not need to be in a relationship to be in a relationship. If you can learn to say no to a bad one, you are upholding your view on how much you are worth.

This section already got me considering about the rest of the book. Yes. I am worth a good woman in my life who does want to be loved and treasured. Yes. Whoever she is, she is worthy of a man who will love and treasure her. This gets into the other way this book works.

Andreades regularly writes to both persons in the relationship. He tells women how they can best please a man and tells men how they can best please a woman. He points out our differences based on gender, his main specialty area, and shows how these are the design of God.

This also includes saving sex for marriage. Andreades refers to this as guarding the gold. By saying no to sex until marriage, you are saying you are worth a lifetime commitment. Words and a ring are really good, but without the covenant, they are just, well, words and a ring. It is when you make a promise before God and man and any other spiritual beings watching, that you are in the covenant and then, have at it.

To this end, Andreades says that men will often show interest in a girl thinking “I’d like to have sex with her.” Refreshingly, Andreades does not condemn this thinking as he knows that sex is God’s idea, but he also tells men that sex is about more than sex. What happens physically is meant to mirror deep spiritual and emotional connections. If you view sex as purely physical, you are missing out. This is also one great reason why it is contained in marriage. Andreades does not condemn the drive in us men, but instead encourages us to use that drive to go further.

All of this is also rooted in good Trinitarian theology. Andreades regularly points to the interactions in the Trinity and then tells us that this is how we are to relate to one another. Why would you discuss the Trinity in a book on dating? Because dating is all about establishing relationships and the Trinity is all about how God is relational and all relationships are founded on that relationality.

Andreades encourages men to be leaders and sacrificers. The man should be the one to ask someone out and be willing to put his heart on the line. The man should be willing to protect his wife and help her feel secure from all the threats, be that external or internal.

A good wife is one who is willing to submit to her husband’s leadership even when she disagrees, excepting that he does not call her to do anything wrong. If he makes the wrong decision, it’s still his decision and the wife can still esteem him without constant “I told you so’s.” A man deeply wants to be respected by the woman in his life.

Also, meet the family as soon as possible. No, it doesn’t mean you’re walking down the aisle. It just means the family knows you. I know in my marriage, this happened quickly as seeing as she lived in Atlanta and I in Charlotte then, I had to drive over and meet her parents before I could take her out. (And her parents and I are on good terms to this day.)

This book is written for people dating or hoping to date, but I think it would be good for married couples. They could look at this and ask “Are we doing this for each other?” This is also a book that uses good theology and all of us could use that. I contend many of the personal struggles we can have in life are rooted in having poor theology in some area, and all of us do.

If you are dating, get this book and read it. If you are wanting to date, get this book and read it. If you know a couple who are dating, get each of them this book and have them read it.

Pretty much, just get this book and read it.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

 

Bestiality

Why does the Bible condemn bestiality? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

23 “‘Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion.

As we continue through this section, we see this verse and it led me to thinking more about why some actions are condemned in our society today and why some aren’t. Our culture is becoming more of an anything goes culture and I don’t doubt that within a few years, bestiality will be being protected by some of the elite in our society. Time will tell if I’m right.

When I was married, my wife did tell me about a girl who made videos where she actually talked about sex with her dog. I think her name was Whitney, but while trying to find out, my search engine blocked out the results. Thus, I cannot guarantee this, but such a person did exist.

Now I did ponder this some yesterday about why our culture condemns this, but the verse before, we don’t have a problem with homosexuality. If sex with someone of the same sex is one of those barriers that we think needs to be taken down, why not go further and say the species doesn’t even matter. We’re already moving into pedophilia after all.

Now some could say that an animal cannot give its consent, as consent seems to be one of the main points today in sexuality. Whatever goes is okay provided you have consent, but why should this stop with animals? We who love our animals still treat them in ways that they definitely do not consent to. I can assure anyone that when I put Shiro in his kitty carrier to go to the vet, he does not give me his consent.

To go even further, every pet owner dreads the time when they have to go to the vet to say good-bye and have their animal put to sleep. As Shiro is getting older, I am dreading this time more and more when I think about it. If we can let our pets die without their consent, then why not go the step of bestiality?

From a Christian perspective, bestiality is the crossing of the species and going against the design of our bodies and nature. Humanity was made to be with humanity. We are lowering ourselves from rational animals in bestiality to just animals. Again though, I am sure before too long there will be defenses of bestiality being more present and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some out there right now.

A question now asked is how many of these laws apply to us today. That is an important hermeneutic question as when these verses are brought up, before too long someone brings up mixed fabrics or dietary laws. I plan on addressing this when we continue in this series. We’ll see you then.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Homosexuality in Leviticus

What does the Bible say about this topic? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Now we get to this verse:

“Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.”

For some reason in our culture, this is always a hard topic. My personal suspicion on this is that we live in a culture that wants to move away as far as possible from the Christian understanding of sex and in actuality, just make sex more meaningless and more of a hobby that people do together. If we give any essential qualities to sex, then we also have to have proper rules and morality for sex. It’s why I am sure bestiality and pedophilia is just around the corner. Time will tell if I am right.

Let’s state something upright. There are several works out there that are tempting to make the Bible not condemn homosexual behavior. They really don’t work well at all. This has been the standard interpretation for thousands of years and there is no new data around the text to have it say something different.

Now we could debate if some people are born with homosexual tendencies or not, but that’s not my purpose here. Even if we did grant that, many of us men are born with the tendency to pursue women and we have to control that impulse just as much. If any desire we have is condemned by Scripture, no matter how much it seems innate to us, we have to curtail it.

Also, contrary to what some people think, there are a number of people who struggle with same-sex attraction and yet marry someone of the opposite sex and it still works. Does it require a lot of work to make a marriage like that succeed? I am sure, but at the same time, that is the case with every marriage. All of them take work and that includes in sexual practice even with two people who are heterosexual.

One of the reasons is that gender really matters in the Bible. It’s not a social construct. At the same time, the Bible never says what makes a man a man or a woman a woman. Going back to Sam Andreades who I referred to yesterday, he does state that gender is best found in relationship. Women are the best at bringing out masculinity in a man and vice-versa.

Our bodies are different for a reason and come together the way that they do for a reason. Who we are is not an accident. The way we come together and reproduce is not an accident either. If anyone should have a thorough understanding of sexuality, it should be a Christian. Sex is not something that is outside of a Christian worldview and must be somehow grafted in. It is the idea of our creator and His invention. We have the Song of Songs in our book after all.

FInally, none of this is hatred of people who have homosexual tendencies anymore than speaking against adultery is hatred of people with heterosexual tendencies. On this end, I recommend Preston Sprinkle’s People To Be Loved.

And yes, we definitely need to show love to the homosexual community. We don’t approve of all they do, but we should celebrate their personhood. They too bear the image of God.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)