Tag: Sex

Homosexuality in Leviticus

What does the Bible say about this topic? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Now we get to this verse:

“Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.”

For some reason in our culture, this is always a hard topic. My personal suspicion on this is that we live in a culture that wants to move away as far as possible from the Christian understanding of sex and in actuality, just make sex more meaningless and more of a hobby that people do together. If we give any essential qualities to sex, then we also have to have proper rules and morality for sex. It’s why I am sure bestiality and pedophilia is just around the corner. Time will tell if I am right.

Let’s state something upright. There are several works out there that are tempting to make the Bible not condemn homosexual behavior. They really don’t work well at all. This has been the standard interpretation for thousands of years and there is no new data around the text to have it say something different.

Now we could debate if some people are born with homosexual tendencies or not, but that’s not my purpose here. Even if we did grant that, many of us men are born with the tendency to pursue women and we have to control that impulse just as much. If any desire we have is condemned by Scripture, no matter how much it seems innate to us, we have to curtail it.

Also, contrary to what some people think, there are a number of people who struggle with same-sex attraction and yet marry someone of the opposite sex and it still works. Does it require a lot of work to make a marriage like that succeed? I am sure, but at the same time, that is the case with every marriage. All of them take work and that includes in sexual practice even with two people who are heterosexual.

One of the reasons is that gender really matters in the Bible. It’s not a social construct. At the same time, the Bible never says what makes a man a man or a woman a woman. Going back to Sam Andreades who I referred to yesterday, he does state that gender is best found in relationship. Women are the best at bringing out masculinity in a man and vice-versa.

Our bodies are different for a reason and come together the way that they do for a reason. Who we are is not an accident. The way we come together and reproduce is not an accident either. If anyone should have a thorough understanding of sexuality, it should be a Christian. Sex is not something that is outside of a Christian worldview and must be somehow grafted in. It is the idea of our creator and His invention. We have the Song of Songs in our book after all.

FInally, none of this is hatred of people who have homosexual tendencies anymore than speaking against adultery is hatred of people with heterosexual tendencies. On this end, I recommend Preston Sprinkle’s People To Be Loved.

And yes, we definitely need to show love to the homosexual community. We don’t approve of all they do, but we should celebrate their personhood. They too bear the image of God.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Valentine’s Day For The Divorced

What’s it like on Valentine’s Day if you’re divorced? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

I was never a fan of dating. I always hated having to go through the process. Expose your heart to a girl and get it trampled on as she chased after some guy who was “hotter.” Not understanding how to read social cues is a big problem. Realizing you’re very different from other guys in that you don’t have the muscular appearance at all, don’t care about sports, have an odd diet being on the spectrum, etc.

When I was with my ex, I was relieved in many ways to know I didn’t have to go through that again. What a joy to have someone in your life who loves you for you. Valentine’s Day became a day I looked forward to as I got to show love to the woman in my life especially that day, though I always did that anyway.

Last year, I knew I was heading for divorce and was already living with my parents, but I didn’t tell you all that. I had no wish or desire to shame my ex until the news somehow came out and I still don’t have any such desire. This year is different.

Scripture tells us it’s not good for a man to be alone. Many of us men know that passage very well. We would love to have someone in our lives. I hate sleeping alone. I hate having no one to share my life with. I hate having no one special I can give extravagant gifts to. I miss a hug, a kiss, and the joy of lovemaking.

Recently though, my friend Sam Andreades sent me his latest book Dating With Discernment and I have already started it and find it a great read. One part I’ve read is all about guarding the gold. That includes steps such as avoiding sexual intimacy before marriage, but it’s also about how you see yourself.

It’s the need to see yourself as gold worth being loved by someone special and able to love someone and I try to hang on to that. I try to remember that people who saw me with my ex know that i doted love on her constantly. I wasn’t a perfect husband by far, but if any husband ever loved his wife, it was me.

I try to remember that as we age, that that is the kind of character a good woman is looking for. I would hope someday I could find someone, naturally a devout Christian, but also one with more of an interest in apologetics this time around perhaps. I do also want to still have someone I find attractive, but I hope they will see me the same way as well.

Part of the gold is that a guy like a girl wants to know he is desired by someone. Family can love you because they are family. Friends do so by choice, but that is still missing the intimate component of a marriage. A marriage involves a love that is a giving of heart, body, and soul.

I know many of my friends are still single. I honestly think it’s harder being divorced and single than being never married and single. When you’re divorced, you think about what you’re missing and know you have had. It is also living with a cloud of rejection hanging over your head.

None of this is to be down on Valentine’s Day. I want to celebrate my friends who have love, but it is hard. Still, I have refused to give up on love and my therapist and I talk about it every time we have a session together. I know that I want romantic love in my life again though and I don’t want to hold back on getting it.

To this end, I have also got other books on learning how to do this. Even simple things like learning how to make brief eye contact and smile are helpful and I do get amazed with how many women smile back at me when I smile at them. Assuming I get to move to New Orleans for seminary, I hope I will meet some great girl in that area or in the seminary itself that I can form a relationship with.

To my friends who are single and don’t want to be, I encourage the same. Don’t like being single? Work your hardest to do something about it. Get Sam Andreades’s book and go through it. Learn how to read body language better, which I’m still working on, and talk to other guys who have marriages you admire and get their input.

For me, a woman is still a prize worth pursuing. Instead of being down on myself today, I could just use today as an emphasis to go out there and make sure my next V-Day is so much better. Wouldn’t that be more productive anyway? Yes. There is a time for mourning, but that time is not now. I have had well over a year of mourning.

To those who talk to us, please remember especially to listen to us. Platitudes don’t really help. Consider if you would say the same to a Christian couple who were faithful and heartbroken because they were trying to conceive and having no luck. It’s the best analogy I can come up with.

To my married friends, enjoy your day today. Hopefully soon, I will have a Valentine to enjoy it with as well.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Get Your Own Girl

How should you treat your neighbor? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

So far in this list, we have seen a load of people mentioned who are somehow related to you. Now God goes even further and says to avoid your neighbor’s wife. This is something that is extremely relevant today as we normally do agree that you shouldn’t sleep with relatives, but somehow, we do have many people today who sleep with their neighbor’s spouse or at least pursue that.

This is especially the case in the age of social media. A friend told me sometime within the past year about going through divorce records in a court, though I don’t remember what for, and being surprised how many times the word “Facebook” showed up. The problem with this is that you can get easily attached to someone you haven’t met and since they’re a fantasy, they can be whatever you want them to be.

Ladies. Prince Charming will likely snore when you go to bed at night.

And guys, her hair will not stay beautiful and pristine when she wakes up in the morning.

Very few people will wake up one day and say “I think I’ll have an affair today.” It generally starts with something innocent. This is one reason why when I normally message a woman and I think it could be a long conversation, I will include her husband in it as well. I also have some rules set up for whenever I go on dates again.

The action of an affair with someone else’s spouse damages relationships across the board. In my DivorceCare group, we watch a video every week from DivorceCare and one lady does describe how her ex-husband was sleeping with her ex-best friend. I’m pretty sure this other lady was her best friend before this happened.

Even if someone is a skeptic of Christianity, I am sure they will agree with the passage in Proverbs that says that jealousy arouses a husband’s fury and he will not be bought off. He will not be pacified when he seeks revenge. He will refuse a bribe however great it is. There’s something about this activity that gets spouses engaged on a whole new level.

This should also tell us that sexual activity is not like anything else that we have. A husband might be upset if his wife plays tennis with another man or something of that sort, but once he finds out she has slept with someone else, at that point normally all bets are off. Who knows where this could go from here?

So what’s a simple solution? Easy. If you want to sleep with someone, make a lifelong commitment to them first and go through with it. Don’t hedge your bets and say that we’ll be together for now, but there’s no need to make a commitment. You or they can just run out at any time then actually. This is something especially women need to realize who really control the market. Have a guy give a lifetime commitment upfront.

For both sexes, once you are married, build up yourself and your own relationship. If the grass looks greener on the other side, water your own side and care for it more. Be very careful on social media as well. Marriage is a terrible thing to destroy even if it is necessary sometimes such as in abuse and adultery.

The alternative of destroying relationships is far worse.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Sex on the Period

Why did God forbid sex during a woman’s period? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

This is one rule that really doesn’t make sense to a lot of us in our modern culture. Why could you not have sex during a woman’s period? Part of the problem that we have with this is that we don’t see the world as the ancients did, not because of something scientific, but because we don’t think of purity that way. At least, we say that we don’t, though in many ways we do.

Suppose I come over to your house to visit you with a can of unopened soda in my hand. While I sit on your couch talking to you, I open the can and then start pouring it profusely on your couch and carpet. I would not be surprised if you say a various number of words to me and throw me out.

This isn’t because the damage I have done is anything physically harmful necessarily. It’s more because I have damaged an idea of purity you have about your house. You don’t want a stain to be right there on the carpet even if there was nothing harmful about it. (Even if there is, I suspect most people are worried about the stain instead.) We have a reason why we sell stain removers for our clothes before we go on a date or another social outing.

This is the same kind of thing behind this command. It’s why the verse refers to her uncleanliness. This is also something that is done intentionally. It’s not an accident that this happens. In some ways, you could call this the sin of the high hand where one openly tries to defile God.

So what does that mean for us today?

Well, we don’t live in a society that focuses on ritual purity that way. However, there are some guidelines we can consider. This is for every married couple to decide for themselves.

First, assuming one wants to abstain during this time, you are talking about a few days really. If you are someone who cannot go a few days without having sex, you probably have bigger concerns. For those who think I can talk that but don’t walk it, I am divorced now and I am having to go without sex. That is no cause of joy whatsoever for me, but I can contend that is doable.

Second, if your wife is in intense pain from her period and is not feeling sexy, you should probably be considerate and not have sex with her then. Personally, any time she doesn’t want to have sex at all you should avoid it. This is just personal consideration.

Third, the whole point for them was avoiding blood and this might be something you want to take into consideration as well. Again, this is something debatable and especially in an age where we can use the pill to avoid the flow of blood that can happen. Of course, even the morality of the pill can be debated.

Those are just my general recommendations, but if there’s one rule in this list that is exceptional, it would be this one.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Sex Rules

Why this long list? Lets plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Leviticus 18 seems really repetitive. The writer, speaking for God, goes through and lists a number of people one-by-one for the most part, tells who they are, and then says to not try to have sex with them. Many a reader could get confused by all of this. Wouldn’t it just make sense to say “Only have sex with your spouse.”?

One of the reasons I think this is done this way is because to say sex is the great obsession of our society is an understatement. However, our society is not the exception in this. I remember hearing before that we have even found cave drawings of women with exaggerated proportions. An early form of pornography perhaps?

There’s no reason to think Hebrew society was any different and especially if you have 70 people go to Egypt and then a few hundred years later even with high child mortality rates there’s a great number of them, we can easily guess how they spent their free time. Not only that, but after the wilderness wanderings and when they get settled in the land, promiscuous behavior is a problem. Heck. While they’re in the wilderness, promiscuous behavior is a problem.

This is a problem of human nature.

As a divorced man now, I realize that for the time being for me, sexual activity is off the table. Is that hard? Yep. Do I like it? Not a bit. Is it a temptation for me to want to break the rules? Yes. That can include anything with a woman in person or just watching pornography at home. I still abstain from all of those and sometimes, there can be strong temptations. I have already set up hard rules when I start dating again for how I will behave in certain scenarios.

This is a hard path to follow. I have no doubt that some people are non-Christians today because they do not want to follow Christianity’s sexual ethic. I am not saying at all that’s right. I will say it makes sense. We all to some extent love sin. That’s why we do it so often.

Notice something. It’s easy to look at this list and see all the negatives. No list is needed for the positives. God nowhere has to tell the listener “Go and have sex with the wife of your youth.” That doesn’t need to be said at all. There are no restrictions put on the married couple together.

He’s not opposed to that. He created the system. He designed all the parts. He made all of it to work together. Christians have a status of being seen as anti-sex when we should be seen as the most pro-sex people of all. Unfortunately, we have developed a reputation of being seen as prudes.

Sex is not evil. The body is not evil. Both of these are good things and God designed them to work the way they do and in a marital unit, to be able to enjoy the gift of sexual intimacy. We should mind the negative rules, but let’s not forget the positives that don’t have to be said here.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

 

Discharges in Leviticus 15

Why are discharges treated so seriously? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

It might seem odd in looking at marriage to go to Leviticus 15, but these are issues with regard to sexuality. Normally, the Bible is not that explicit concerning sexual terminology, though Song of Songs is exceptional in some ways. Many times, it uses euphemisms to speak of sexual activity or of sexual body parts.

Obviously, a discharge refers to something other than just going to the bathroom or else every man who is unclean after an emission would be pretty much constantly unclean, including the high priest. It more refers to emissions of a sexual nature that are likely outside of regular sexual activity. Sex isn’t dirty, but there are times to abstain to focus on holy aspects, as Paul advised temporarily for married couples in 1 Cor. 7 and sometimes would happen in the Old Testament in the wilderness wanderings when God was about to do something grand.

The same applied to a woman during the time of her period. For her, this is especially evident since she has a flow of blood and the loss of blood in this way was considered unclean. It’s worth noting this does not mean evil. It was no sin to have a period.

So now we have to ask a question that might seem obvious, but it is one worth thinking about. Why does God have all these regulations concerning the human body? Many of them also concern matters that were not sinful but would just happen over the course of time.

For one thing, the body matters. Many of us can treat the body as a negative. We refer to it as a prison. The body is something good and it is something that God will raise us up in again. Too many of us sing songs that are practically Gnostic where we compare the body to a prison. That doesn’t come from Jesus, but it comes from Plato instead.

Second, sex is something sacred as it is the connecting of two sacred bodies in the most intimate way possible. As a divorced man now, I am having to make the pledge that until I remarry again, I will be abstaining from sex. It is not because I delight in abstaining. It is not because I can celebrate and say “Whew! At least I don’t have to do that anymore!” It’s quite the opposite for me and for many other men who are divorced if not all of us.

So why do it? It’s the right thing to do. It honors God, our future spouses, and ourselves. Granted I have a future spouse, she will know that I was faithfully pure both inside of marriage and outside of it. Today, we often treat sex as a casual activity that you just do for recreation.

Christians are to hold to something different, but we are not to give the view that we are anti-sex. We should be the most pro-sex people out there. After all, God created this whole system and meant for us to enjoy it as well. He just wants to enjoy it in the way it was meant to be enjoyed and ultimately, the way that will provide us with the best joy.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

To The Broken Up Girl

What do I have to say? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Hello.

You might remember me. I was working behind the counter and you came in for your return. I had to ask you why you were returning the items per our requirements and you told me they were for your boyfriend and after three years he had broken up with you and you didn’t want them.

Then you mentioned about going home and crying. The lady next to you, we’ll call her L so there’s no confusion between you and her, told you he’s not worth it. It’s his loss. Now L could be entirely right in that. However, I told L you have still experienced a loss and you need to cry. Then i said to cry, but if you have thoughts about self-harm or worse that are lingering, get help.

From there, I told you about my own divorce. I lost someone special after ten years with them and they had made a promise. I assured you a divorce is worse than a break-up. I didn’t get to tell you that break-ups hurt, but divorce is worse. Divorce is when someone has made a promise before God and man and has broken that promise.

You told me about how your boyfriend went to a strip club for a bachelor party of one of his friends and shortly after told you he wanted to move on. That must have hurt. I am sure you felt like you were being compared to some girl dancing on a stage that he didn’t even know.

Can I say this? I really hate to say it, but a lot of my gender consists of jerks sadly. Most of them are just looking to women to see what they can get out of them. This is why I was sure you were living together and wanted to encourage you to not do that. I told you to not give a man what he wants until he fulfills his covenant promise to you.

You see, in essence, what you are saying with the living together is “I might want to get married, but I want to keep my options open in case someone better or comes along or unless I just want out.” The other person says the same thing. In marriage, you say “There are no better options and I don’t want out.”

At least you’re supposed to.

Remember also the urge I told you that if you think about hurting yourself seriously, do something about it. That can happen. My DivorceCare leader once said in a meeting unprompted by anything I had said that everyone who goes through this, normally on the side of being divorced, thinks about suicide at least some. I know I did. Sometimes I saw some benadryl or something I could take for allergies and to help me sleep and thought, “You know you could and no one would notice until morning.” Never did, of course, but I understand the thinking.

Sometimes people might look down on you if you seek therapy. They shouldn’t. We all have problems. We all have issues that we need to work on. Asking for help when you need it is not shameful. It’s not asking for help that’s shameful.

You have been rejected and that sucks. You have been rejected as a person. Break-ups are understandable at times. Sometimes some people don’t work well together. However, when you invest years in someone and if you are married or live together, you have done more than that. I don’t approve of living together before marriage, but I do understand it is a step women take when they are hoping to marry often.

I also wanted to make sure you knew something and you shook my hand as you left I think largely because of this. I doubt you will ever read this, but if you do, maybe you’ll remember this. I hope you do.

I told you most importantly, I made it through. What I went through is worse, and I lived through it. There were times I was doubtful, but I made it. I tried to make a vow that I would not be a victim. I only have one chance to play this game and I want to win. I determined that if I wanted to get a revenge, the best revenge is a life well-lived.

You see, I don’t live in a place of hatred for my ex. It doesn’t consume me. I think what she did was awful to me and it is the worst pain I have ever experienced, but I still pray for her well-being and holiness. I pray for mercy on her. I pray for justice and mercy for everyone involved, and that’s a scary prayer since it includes me.

Right now, I am making plans to attend a seminary in Louisiana on-campus. I want to succeed in my life. I want to get a Master’s and then get a PhD. I would love to remarry. I would think it wonderful if there was a woman in New Orleans waiting for me. Of course, she probably doesn’t know she’s waiting for me, but I would love to find a woman who would want someone who wants to bring joy to someone. My own therapist and I talk about this. He does think this is a step I need to take.

But for you for now, I want to tell you what a divorced friend also told me. Today will suck, but tomorrow will suck a little bit less. Another friend added what would suck today is if nothing sucked today. You’re allowed to hurt. It’s okay.

A little over 25 years ago I had back surgery. I had a steel rod placed on my spine. You think that hurts? It definitely does. I took a year to recover. Now, I can go all day without even realizing I have a steel rod back there. I learned how to deal with the pain. Emotional scars are harder, but they do heal.

I urge you to get a woman who has gone through this pain before and meet with her also. One of the greatest blessings I had was men who had been divorced who came alongside of me. My non-divorced friends were helpful, but they cannot help me in the way my divorced friends can. That includes my own therapist and when I told him, he agreed. They mean well, but there are aspects they do not understand, and that’s fine.

I hope no other guy has to go through this, but that’s a pipe dream, but when they do, I want to be there for them as others were for me. Right now, it seems like your world has ended, and in some ways, you’re right. You had plans of the future and hopes and dreams and all of those have been destroyed by that one action. My ex used to talk about how much it hurts to be rejected and told you weren’t good enough. I know how much it hurts, because that’s what I have been told by the action.

But she doesn’t define me. God doesn’t love me either because I’m good enough, whatever that means. He loves me because of who He is. That’s enough for me to rejoice in. Of course, there’s no wrong in seeking other loves, like family, friendship, and yes, remarriage, but if it weren’t for my foundation in God, I don’t think I would have made it.

I don’t think from our interaction that you’re a Christian. If I’m right, I hope you will find Jesus Christ. He’s the ultimate help for you in your suffering. My trust in God sustained me through it all. I had to realize God had some way to still use me for the Kingdom and ultimately, I think if He takes away something, it will often be to eventually give us something better.

For now though, go home and cry. Talk to a friend. Do something that can be just for you. Have some fun. Read a book. Watch a TV show. Go to the movies. Do something to keep you moving. You don’t have to be a victim. That’s ultimately a choice. I am not saying you chose to have someone reject you, but you are responsible for the choice of if their actions define you. A woman is not responsible if her husband beats her, but she is responsible for what she tells herself about the beatings. It can be hard to tell yourself the truth, but it is doable.

Remember you are not alone. Other people have gone through this and they can help you. I am thankful when I went to theological conventions like ETS and DTF, no one looked down on me. I got no indication that I was a pariah because I wear the “Divorced” label. Some even prayed with me there over the situation.

Too many people do look at divorced as a bad label. I had someone share how even decades after when applying for a ministry position they had to explain their divorce and does that stigma ever go away? In many churches, it’s like the unforgivable sin and it’s usually thought you must really be a problematic person if you got divorced.

First off, we’re all problematic people. Second, the church does need to handle this better as we need to have more sympathy for those divorced, especially the wrongfully divorced ones, and I contend I’m one of them. I think many churches would have a murderer take the pulpit before a divorced person. That’s a shame.

Grace covers all sins, including marital and sexual ones.

Young lady. You are precious in the eyes of God, but if you become a Christian, assuming you are not, your ex is also precious too. Pray for his redemption. That can help stop the seed of hate growing in your heart that will do you no good. If my ex has any hatred of me, it doesn’t hurt me a bit. It only hurts her. If I have it, it doesn’t hurt her. It only hurts me. You be the better person. Show love even to those who hurt you as I strive to do.

I have spoken a long time. I doubt you will ever read this, but even if you don’t, someone will who needs to hear this I am sure. I hope they hear it too. Already, your suffering is being used for redemption. If anything, it has helped me to focus again on what I need to focus on.

You will get through this.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Are Sex Rules Pro-Women?

Do all the stipulations in the Bible on sex benefit women? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

On yesterday’s blog, some commenters on Facebook thought that I had given the impression that in this society, women were only valued for sex. They were pretty much objects. One did rightly see I was trying to point out the sacredness of sex, but that didn’t come across that way.

So today, I want to clear things up as to why the Bible has these rules and if they are good for women or not.

Let’s start with something. I do think our society is led by men. That’s not necessarily a bad thing for women. When men are being men, they will look out for the women around them. I suspect there weren’t many feminists on the Titanic who were objecting when it was said “Women and children first!”

A man who abuses and/or uses a woman is not being a man really. He’s being less of a man. If you view yourself as a leader in society, your goal is to build up those around you and not to tear them down. Any man if he wants to can take a woman’s body. Not any man can take her heart. That requires that he be a real man and one she is willing to entrust her heart to.

So let’s look at some other realities. Are some men more tempted to just look at women as sex objects? Yes. Pornography is a great example of this. If anything has taught men to treat women as objects, it’s pornography.

In the ancient world, this would also be the natural temptation of men. After all, men by nature of the chemicals and hormones in their bodies tend to have very high sex drives. Not all do and in some marriages, the woman actually has the higher drive. We’re speaking of averages here.

A man and a woman would often get together immediately in an arranged marriage and then you could be introducing yourselves to one another and then sleeping together immediately as husband and wife. Why this way? Because sex is meant to be a bonding act. It releases scores of hormones and chemicals that bind the two people to one another.

This is one reason Christians safeguard this so much. Not because sex is anything dirty. After all, the joke is that many Christians are taught two things about sex growing up. #1. It’s dirty. #2. I should save it for someone I love.

Sex is in a sense like nuclear energy. If you use it the way it was meant to be used, wonderful things can happen. If you use it in a way it’s not meant to be used, Chernobyl can happen. Do we see this? Yes. Look at most any talk show on where they talk about who is the father of who and see it. Look at single mothers who have been kicked to the curb by a guy because he thought someone hotter came along or he didn’t want to get married. Sadly, look at our divorce culture where too many people don’t take their vows seriously and many times, one person is rejected and abandoned over it.

In sharing my own story of divorce, I have had men share stories with me that leave me thankful I didn’t go through that and I have heard stories in DivorceCare that are indeed horrendous. Even harder is the fact that so many men and women jump into relationships immediately before they are ready because of the intense loneliness. Some have said that being divorced is worse than the other person dying and I am inclined to agree. Death is normally not intentional. Divorce is.

The rules of the Old Testament also started with people where they were. Let’s face it again. Guys are very much driven by sex and our natural tendency will be the path of least resistance to get what we want. We were originally designed to use our drive for the good of the other. Now we often place the good of ourselves first and foremost. Women become just means to us. Even outside of sex, this is naturally how we tend to view other people. What can they do for me?

Women meanwhile live in a world where half of the people around them could overpower them if they wanted to for the most part. Yes. I realize that there are men who are not physically intimidating, including myself, and there are women who know how to fight well, but I am again speaking of averages. I will not claim to know what it’s like to walk as a woman in a parking lot at night, though I do walk out women who work at night where I work so they don’t have to go alone.

The Old Testament doesn’t expect perfection right away. Consider many of the rules as baby steps towards a better ideal. We have slavery at the start in the wilderness, but as time moves along and people become more and more capable economically, that starts to dissipate. Jesus Himself implies this when He says that Moses granted divorce because of hardness of heart, but this is not the way it was meant to be.

So God looks at sinful men and says that if they follow their natural instincts, they will pay a price. They will either have to be with the woman for life or at the least, pay a hefty fine. That’s to curtail the man’s strong desire. So if he wants to be with the woman then, what does he have to do? He has to work up and be a man and really impress the father enough that he says “Okay. I can trust you with her.” Many of us know that if we start acting a certain way towards someone, our feelings towards that someone can change. Lewis once said to not ask if you love your neighbor. Live like you do, and loving feelings will follow. Even if they don’t, you are still doing the right thing.

Within the past few years, I was at Celebrate Recovery and for the group sharing after, it was just me and one other man. He told me about how he doesn’t feel respected by his wife and XYZ and all this other stuff. I listened and then said, “You know, I’m hearing all of this stuff and I’m going to say something and it’s going to sound insensitive, but I think I need to say it.”

“Who cares?”

BAM! The guy said even the next week it was the slap in the face he needed.

After all, as I explained. You have a duty. You have a responsibility. You made a promise as a husband. You are to do that regardless of how you feel. Do your duty and let her work out her own issues.

The Christian call to a man is not to deny his sex drive. God made it for us and He made the woman’s body desirable to us for a reason. He built the engine. It’s instead to channel that into greater love for the woman. Saving sex for marriage is meant to say that you only get to love the woman this way after you make a lifetime commitment. There is no try before you buy.

This is also to make the woman feel safe. She can freely give herself to the man because she knows he has her best interests at heart. He has made the promise and he will keep it. Ideally, a woman will meet the needs of her husband sexually, and he will meet her needs as well, not just emotional, but every other need. Also ladies, if you have a good man, he delights in meeting your needs and wants to meet your needs.

I can safely tell you that when I was married, I loved doing things that I thought put a smile on her face. When our anniversary came, I tried to go all out every single year. I wanted to go above and beyond to please her. Some I remember well, such as taking her to the hotel we stayed in our first night for our first anniversary to recreate things. For the fifth, I took her to an Equestrian theater. For the seventh, a friend had given me $200 and told me to spend it on something fun explicitly. I spent all of it and even more on our anniversary which included eating out for every meal, getting her a PSP, and a singing telegram singing songs from our wedding and other songs.

For me, I just wanted to make her happy and have her feel loved.

Ladies. Please remember you are worth a lifetime commitment. Don’t give yourself to a man for anything less than that. Let him demonstrate his commitment by making the promise first.

God realizes our natural tendencies in Scripture and puts these stipulations in because He wants us to get the most out of what He has made. It is wrong to say God only cares about our happiness, but it is just as wrong to say our happiness matters nothing to Him. God created love and sex and marriage for us to enjoy it as well and we should. Marriage done right will have us living more holy lives and in those lives finding more joy in one another and in God.

As we go through Scripture looking at marriage and divorce, keep this in mind. We are talking about the sacred. Marriage and sex are sacred because they come from a God who is sacred and they involve two people who are meant to be sacred together and bring up holiness in the next generation.

I hope this clears up matters for readers and my apologies for any bad phrasing on my part yesterday.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Can You Try Before You Buy?

Could you take her for a test run? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

We live in a world that tends to worship at the altar of sexuality. We often think we know so much in this area, when really we know so little. It’s one reason there’s so much confusion such that people are having perfectly fine body parts removed from them because they feel like they’re the opposite gender. (As if to say there’s any set way a man or a woman is meant to feel.)

Sex is certainly not sacred to most people anymore and is pretty much a recreational activity. You are attracted to someone, you date, you sleep together, you move in, you could get married. Normally, it’s the woman who wants to get married to have that security, but the man isn’t as motivated. Why would he be? He’s getting what he wants already.

In the ancient world, a woman was to be protected while she was in the house of her parents, and that included her sexuality. In this case, if a man seduces her, assuming she is not pledged to someone else, then he doesn’t get to try before he buys. He has to marry her at that point.

Suppose the father absolutely refuses? The man is still in the loser’s position. He has to pay the bride-price for her. He has damaged the family. In the world of ancient Israel, men wanted to marry women who were virgins. This woman would be less likely to marry as a result of what this man had done.

Now we can be sure if a woman seduced a man, which could happen as we saw earlier with the wife of Potiphar who attempted this, that the law would be understood to apply in an opposite sense, though a man certainly doesn’t have a bride-price. However, most of us realize it makes sense to address the man because usually, the men are the pursuers in sexual relationships.

Overall, this was to be a deterrent to the man. Do you want to sleep with this woman? Really consider how much it’s going to cost you. Can you afford a bride-price? Later on in the Torah, we will get to the case of a man who seduces a woman who is pledged to be married and the stakes are different.

This is one reason also in our society, abortion is not an ally to women, but it is much more an ally to the man. After all, most men don’t really like the thought of paying child support, but if he can get a woman pregnant and she can make the problem go away, then the man gets off free and can do what he wants at that point. Abortion has really been helping women to be used by men as long as it has been around.

Perhaps our society should also learn to not take sex so casually. Maybe we’re really missing out on the joy that we’re meant to have in this area of life. While Christians are not under the Law, we are foolish if we don’t think we can learn something from it.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

You Shall Not Commit Adultery

What is adultery? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Centuries ago, there was a Bible published that was called the Wicked Bible. In this one, there was a misprint in the seventh commandment so it read, “You shall commit adultery.” The publishers were greatly fined for this.

We should all know adultery is wicked, but what is adultery?

Adultery is sexual behavior reserved for the covenant of marriage that is done outside of that covenant. This can be of a physical nature, sexual activity, or it can be of an emotional nature, an emotional commitment to another person where you share things with someone else that should really only be shared with your spouse. Both of these are incredibly harmful to a marriage.

Why is this so? Because marriage is a relationship built on exclusive trust. When you go outside of that, then you are violating that trust. Sexual activity is giving someone total trust with your body and it only makes sense if this takes place in the covenant of a promise that is followed through.

This is why I always tell women to not have sex with a man until he marries you. Why would I not say the same to a man? Technically, I would, but more often than not, the men are the pursuers in the market. If it wasn’t for sex, men would never marry. Men seek to be with women because we have strong drives and those drives drive us to love the woman also.

When a woman gives herself to a man without that, she is ultimately saying she will give him her very body for whatever he has done already. It’s hard to think of something greater one human can trust another with than their body. So a woman needs to decide what her body is worth. A promise to marry in engagement? Six months of dating? A month? A week? Dinner and a movie?

By the way, normally, once a man is given what he wants, odds are that he could have a good chance of plateauing at that level. Many a woman will think living together is a prelude to marriage. It isn’t. He’s got a great deal already. He gets the sex he wants, he can leave any time that he wants, and in the end, he doesn’t have to pay alimony if something happens because there was no commitment.

Now while I said it’s hard to think of something greater one human can give to another than their body, there is one thing indeed. Their heart. Emotional affairs hurt. I speak from experience. In the age of Facebook, they can much more easily happen. Most physical affairs also start off as emotional ones.

A man goes out from his office on lunch and there’s a woman that goes out at the same time. Why not just go together? We’re friends. We’re both married to other people, but why not? Then they begin talking over lunch and they enjoy each other’s company and not too much later, they’re meeting in a hotel room and having sex.

Yes. This happens.

Very few people get up one morning and say “I think I’ll have an affair to screw up my marriage.” It happens gradually. Often, the other side of the fence can look greener to which the reply is “Tend your own lawn first.” This will lead to hopping from relationship to relationship, especially when the spark dies down.

This is why vigilance is required to guard a marriage. In my own personal life, I have said when I get my own place again, I don’t want to be alone with a woman who is not family, even one I am dating. I know my temptations. I know as a man I greatly desire sex and having been there before, I don’t want to put myself in a position where it’s hard to put the brakes on.

Sex is reserved for the covenant of marriage. Taking it outside is lying with your bodies. It is a beautiful gift to be given to a man and a woman who have made a lifelong covenant with one another. Their bodies in sex show what they have done with their hearts to one another.

God stands against adultery not because He is anti-sex, but because He is pro-sex. He created everything about it after all. If we are to enjoy it to the best, then we need to follow His counsel on the matter.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)